The Man Who Takes the Tests

I take the tests

And I know

About what each--

Because I charge them more

If they want a perfect score--

And I can get a perfect score

--But if they want a perfect score

That costs more

And I don’t recommend it

But it makes people suspicious

If you get too high a score

And your grades don’t match it

If you’re a C-student getting a perfect score

On your SAT’s or your PSAT’s

I mean, it’s not impossible

You could be one of those people

Who just isn’t living up to your potential

But lately it does set people to investigating, you know?

That’s why I tell the parents--

‘Make sure your kids are B-students’

They don’t like hearing that

Even with me helping them out

Because they’re paying me

They think I shouldn’t give input

And they hate that I bring their kids into it

Because they think the whole point

Is keeping the kids out of it

Even if it is all about the kids

But I put it out there

I say--

‘See if they can get good grades’

Then I come in

And I take the tests

And, uh, depending on how well

They want the kids to do

They pay a certain amount

They don’t all want

Great scores

Not all their kids need great scores

Some of the kids just need scores

That’ll be good enough

Combined with grades

And whatever donations

Their parents make to the schools

To get them in where they want to go

One, uh, actor

Actor and singer

Paid me to get his son

A score that, uh--

It wasn’t a great score

They weren’t looking for a great score

They just wanted something average

So that’s what I got

I got just enough questions, uh, wrong

To get the score they were looking for

And, uh, I thought I did

I thought I got the score I got

But I got better

I got better

Than what I thought
I had got

And so I just told them ‘Don’t worry about it’

Like it was a bonus

And they got so mad

I couldn’t figure it out

But they were like--

‘That wasn’t the score we wanted’

They had really wanted

This specific score

Because they felt like

That’s what their daughter

Would have gotten

If she had taken the test

That’s what they thought

Was honest

And, uh, believe it or not

I got that

Dishonest people

Really want to be seen

As being honest

Where they can

Afford to be

You do anything that shakes that

That shakes that sense

Of them feeling like

They’re good people?

You better watch out

Don’t ever let them think

They’re doing wrong thing

Just ask how perfect

They want you to be

And don’t be any more

Or any less

Makes you think about

What it must be like

Being their kids, doesn’t it?

I don’t think about that much

But I used to

I used to think about it

A lot