Day Old Chinese Food

I know I had a good night
Because I'm eating day old Chinese food

I know I had a good night
Because I now have an earring
And I'm eating day old Chinese food

I know I had a good night
Because there's a guy on my couch using a guitar for a pillow
I have an earring that goes down to my shoulder
And I'm eating day old Chinese food

I know I had a good night
Because my Facebook status is now 'Married to Mickey Rooney'
There's a guy on my couch with a guitar for a pillow who just muttered the word 'Insurrection'
I googled this earring and I think it belongs to Elizabeth Taylor
And I'm eating day old Chinese food

I know I had a good night
Because there are over eighty-three Nestle Crunch bars in my bed
Mickey Rooney just sent me a Facebook message asking when we're going to consummate this puppy
I checked the wallet of the guy on the couch and it turns out he's a woman named Crescendo
This earring was reported stolen last night by, you guessed it, Elizabeth Taylor
And I'm eating day old Chinese food

I know I had a good night
Because I have a ticket in my pocket for an upcoming Meatloaf concert
The Nestle Crunch bars, for some reason, won't melt--even when I put them in the microwave, which I didn't have last night
Mickey Rooney just posted a photo of the two of us together at some place called 'Leather Land'
Crescendo just woke up and told me she's pregnant and Elizabeth Taylor is the father
The earring won't come out of my ear, which may or may not be the result of the superglue I found on the bathroom counter
And I'm eating day old Chinese food

I know I had a good night
Because I created a blog called 'I Had a Really Good Night'
I somehow know all the words to 'Bat Out of Hell'
The Nestle Crunch bars can cut glass
Mickey just texted me
Crescendo's pregnant belly may or may not be a throw pillow
The earring is now picking up radio frequencies
And I'm eating day old Chinese food

I know I had a good night
Because my entire body has been shaved and tanned except for my left arm
I posted forty-two entries on the blog in the span of an hour--most of them photos of me doing shadow puppets
My dashboard lights are broken
The Nestle Crunch bars cannot be destroyed by any of the power tools I just found in my closet that were definitely not there yesterday
Mickey just broke up with me on Facebook and it says he's now dating Elizabeth Taylor
Crescendo says her water just broke, but when she thought I wasn't looking I was because I have a new mirror in my hallway that wasn't there yesterday, and I saw her pick up a glass of water and pour it on the guitar she was using a pillow
I'm pretty sure Russian mobsters are now giving me instructions about who they want eliminated
And I'm eating day old Chinese food

I know I had a good night
Because I found a document that says last night I legally changed my name to Elizabeth Taylor
My left arm has some sort of code on it that you can only see after you wrap the arm in transparent duct tape
My blog just appeared on Fox News under the heading "Blogs That Shame America"
I have discovered that I will do anything for love, but I won't do that, and yet, I have no idea what 'that' is
The Nestle crunch bars are now glowing
I can't figure out if Mickey is still dating me or the actual Elizabeth Taylor since now we both have the same name
Crescendo just gave birth to a pillowcase with a baby in it
The Russians can't decide if they want to kill me or use me to kill others
And I'm eating day old Chinese food

I know I had a good night
Because I just realized this isn't my house
I think I might actually be Elizabeth Taylor
The code on my arm isn't a code but the entire script to National Velvet
Fox News just reported that Elizabeth Taylor is a traitor to America
I just figured out what 'that' is...and it's pretty disgusting
The Nestle Crunch bars are starting to smell like plutonium
I just felt a kick in my stomach, and only Mickey Rooney kicks like that
Crescendo just named her baby White Diamonds
And the Russians have made their decision

They want to come over and have day old Chinese food