Time for Plan B

Boys!  Boys!

Wake up!

We have a situation in your baby brother's room

C'mon, get in here

If we were being invaded
I'd already be speaking Japanese by now!

Okay, now I'm not going to mince words with you
Because you're four and six
And that means it's time you knew
That life isn't always sunshine and cigarettes
Your brother has defecated in his shit sack

Now, I don't want you teasing him for it
Because he's only four months old
And this happens once in awhile

If he does it again next month
Then we can talk about shaming him
But right now, we have to focus on the immediate problem
Which is that this room is already smelling like a monkey's asshole

Now, normally I would hand this whole mess over to your mother
Because she's the one who encourages you boys to eat after 3pm
Which makes you shit your shorts when you should be sleeping
But unfortunately, she's in Maine visiting your grandma
Who picked this convenient moment to come down with pneumonia
So that means we have to deal with it

And that means it's time for Plan B

Patton, I'm going to need you to hold your brother

Now, I realize he's a foul-smelling little bastard at the moment
But sometimes in life, we have to take one for the team

If you pass out, just remember to clutch him tightly to your chest
Before you go down
So your mother doesn't come back and find any bumps on him
Otherwise I'll have to go into hiding
And you boys'll grow up without a dad
Which'll probably turn you queer
I'd hold him, but I have sensitive nostrils
And you don't want to mess around with your sniffer boys

Pat Henry, I'm going to need you to pull the diaper off him
And immediately take it into the neighbor's yard
And bury it

Make sure you go at least eight feet deep
Otherwise that little pissing rat they call a dog
Will just dig it up and eat it
But he wouldn't die
So what's the point?

Now, once we get the diaper off
I'm going to hose him down
Over the sink
Using the hose

When he's clean
I want you to wrap him up in something

I can't find where your mother keeps the diapers
So we're just going to use garbage bags until she gets back

Now if you boys pull this off
Without any slip-ups
Then I'll know you've finally become men

And that means I can buy you those guns
You keep pretending you don't want

If we don't make it out of this
I want you to know
That I'm sure one day
You both would have done something
I could have been proud of

And that's the closest I get to love, boys

Okay

Let's do this