I'll Just Stick to the Truth

I'm telling you, Harry
I'm just going to stick to the truth

There's no point in embellishing
It's simply meant to be plain-spoken
So that's what I'm going to do

She has no tits, Harry

Your wife, she has no tits

And because she has no tits
I refused to have sex with her

No, she did not ask me to have sex with her
But I felt the urge to let her know
That were she ever interested
I couldn't do it

Not because she doesn't have any tits
But because you're my friend, Harry

I wouldn't have sex with any woman you dated
Because you're my friend

But I might be interested, you see
Whereas where she's concerned
I'm not even interested
Because of that cutting board
She calls a chest

Well, when I told her this
She was quite taken aback
Which I assume means
That she was upset we'll never have sex
And that's why you might want to consider leaving her, Harry

I know you enjoy her
Although for the life of me
I can't figure out why
But clearly, the woman was percolating
About having sex with me

Now how can you trust her after hearing that?

She got very upset with me
After my comment about not wanting to have sex with her
Because I don't often find myself attracted to flat-chested women
And she pretended as if it were the first part of the comment that offended her
When really I believe it was the first half of the second part
About not being attracted to her

That's why she hit me with that ridiculously heavy pan

Honestly, why do they have to make pans that heavy, Harry?
And why on earth would you buy one?

I'm assuming that's your flat-chested lady's suggestion
If I had to wager

Then she started yowling about me wanting to sleep with her
When she knew that wasn't what I meant
Unless she thought I was trying to use reverse psychology
Which I never would with her
Because let's face it
At that point I knew that regular psychology would work just fine, thank you

She was just trying to cause a fuss
And she succeeded

Which means not only is she straight an arrow in the bosom department
But a dramatics professional as well

Now ask yourself, Harry
Do you really need that in your life?

I hate to do this, Harry
But I promised to stick to the truth
And by God, I'm going to

The truth is, I cannot and will not continue to be friends
With anyone who willingly associates with that awful woman

It's either her or me

Me, your loving and trustworthy friend
Who doesn't sleep with the hideous trolls you choose to couple with

Or her, the Queen of the Hideous Trolls

I'll give you a moment to decide

But just remember, Harry

There aren't many people in this world
Who would tell you the truth