"The thing is--"
"The thing is--"
"We love women."
"Love them."
"Our wives are women."
"Our mothers were women."
"There was a good chance we could have been women."
"Fifty fifty."
"Wellllll seventy thirty."
"What we're saying is, that we feel, as men--"
"We feel we have the right to have an opinion regarding women and their bodies."
"Specifically their reproductive systems."
"After all, men come from those systems."
"We're born out of those...places."
"And so there's no reason we can't have an intelligent discussion about, you know, down there."
"And all we want to say is that...down there...is a sacred place."
"It's holy. Like a football stadium."
"Or a Home Depot."
"And we think we should be teaching young girls that you have to treat...down there...with the utmost respect."
"And you don't do that by letting boys...put their...down there...near your...down there."
"Unless you're married to that boy."
"And unless you plan on having a child. Preferably a boy."
"Well, not preferably, but--"
"Not necessarily, but--"
"If it happens to be a boy, there's always a few extra cigars to pass around, so why not, right?"
"My wife gave me six beautiful boys, and I only had to disown one of them for being gay. I call that a successful family unit."
"My wife and I have decided not to have children until we figure out whether our Colombian maid's two-year-old is really mine or not. Odds are it's not."
"It does look a little like--"
"Steve, please."
"Sorry."
"The point is, we love women."
"Love them."
"And respect them."
"So much respect."
"Why else would we allow them to stay home and lounge all day while we're out doing actual work? You'd only do that for someone you love."
"Why else would we carry the burden of holding all the intellect in a marriage in the palm of our hands like a tiny baby bird?"
"Why else would we reserve our most violent lovemaking urges for our mistresses and high-priced call girls?"
"That's love."
"And the way we love and respect women, women need to love and respect themselves."
"And you respect something by not using it frivolously. Down there is not a place for fun. The same way church isn't a place for fun. You don't go letting just anybody into church, do you?"
"Well, you--never mind."
"You only let priests into church. The same way you only let boys down there who you want to have babies with. So basically, you want to have babies with priests."
"Actually, that's not at all what we're saying and please disregard what my friend here just said."
"You'll have to excuse me. I'm on a lot of drugs, but they're expensive drugs, so it's totally fine and you're not allowed to judge me for using them. Hahaha."
"Hahaha."
"Hahaha."
"Ha. Ha. Ha."
"The point is--we adore women."
"We worship them."
"And so long as they don't act like harloting jezebels, we plan on doing everything we can for them."
"But sometimes you have to help people who are weaker than you from giving into temptation."
"And women are the weaker sex. It says so in the Constitution."
"And the Bill of Rights."
"And the Magna Carta."
"So we make laws to help the women help themselves."
"Just simple little guidelines to stop women from turning into filthy prostitutes like Susan B. Anthony and Joan Didion."
"For example, we believe if a woman tries to have an abortion, she should absolutely be allowed to."
"Provided she undergoes some procedures first to ensure she feels she's making the right decision."
"All she'd have to do is fill out some paperwork, speak to a therapist, take a lie detector test, show us photos of every man she's ever slept with, pull a cart full of stones up a hill, stay underwater for seven minutes, hold at least seventeen babies, watch Baby Boom starring Diane Keaton, kill an animal with her bare hands, and then recite the King James Bible from cover-to-cover."
"Once she does all that, if she still wants to have the abortion, then we say, go right ahead."
"Go right ahead."
"Go right ahead, you minion of the devil."
"We respect your choice."
"And if your boss wants to fire you because he disagrees with what you've done, that's his choice."
"And if your health insurance carrier wants to drop you because they think you're a bad person, that's their choice."
"And if your husband wants to take you to the town square and stone you, well hey, that's what they do in the Middle East, and those people have oil, and oil is good, and good sounds like God, and God I'd love a burger and a shotgun right now. Am I alone in this?"
"We need these laws, folks. It's the only thing that separates us from the animals."
"I hear that if a female rabbit cheats on her rabbit husband, the rabbit husband throws her into the mouth of a wolf."
"Well, that sounds totally fabricated, but I see where you're going with it, and you know what? I'm going to say I like your point, and shake your hand."
"Why, thank you. And by the way, we'd both like to extend a happy anniversary to our respective partners who stand by us in protecting families and living a pious, moral life."
"So thank you to my fourth wife of two months. And also, happy nineteenth birthday."
"And thank you to my eighth wife of four months. I'm so glad you decided to get your breasts, lips, and eyes done. And in six months when the swelling goes down, I'm finally going to love you just the way you are."
"And in a few decades, with these laws, we'll have a world full of lovely, pristine, virginal ladies."
"And hopefully one or two women will resist and stay whores so we have someone to lust after."
"We'll pray on that."
"We'll pray hard."
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