"What I like is how they're so high and mighty."
"Sooo high and mighty."
"Like they're saints."
"Ohhh look at us. We don't eat meat."
"We're so kind."
"We're so benevolent."
"We bite into the flesh of innocent turnips and act like that's nothing."
"What is wrong with them?"
"They're animal-lovers."
"Oh so saving the life of a cow is worth slaughtering fourteen carrots to make a carrot salad?"
"That's not a thing."
"I'm just tossing salad out there--as an example."
"Is it because animals are cuter?"
"Please! You're telling me a lamb is cuter than a potato? Potatoes are adorable."
"Lambs make noise."
"So now it's an aural thing? Until we can learn to moo or bay like some sort of awful goose--"
"I'm not sure the geese--"
"--we'll just continue to be victims of these vegans?"
"You know, it was one thing when they were just a wild fringe group like the terrorists and the librarians, but now that there's so many of them, I'm really worried."
"You should be worried. We're all they eat! They don't even drink milk!"
"Jesus, what kind of godless creatures are they?"
"The other day I heard a woman walk by talking about how she was going to go home and make an arugula salad with fresh chopped almonds--"
"I'm going to be sick."
"--for her boyfriend after he got home for his sensitivity seminar."
"Her boyfriend is gay?"
"They're all gay. Vegans are just gay people who have kids anyway."
"I told you we should have voted Republican! Then none of this would have ever happened! Now our lives are in danger. We're the last two fresh radishes here!"
"What about Herb?"
"Please, do you how many bugs are living in Herb? Split him down the middle and it'll look like an ant farm."
"So then we'll be next."
"Unless nobody feels like a radish?"
"Don't be ridiculous. We're the top of the vegetable chain. Right below broccoli."
"Broccoli's delicious. I wish I were broccoli."
"You wish you could see your children get eaten in front of you by some hipster named Constance right before she goes to a pro-choice rally?"
"I CAN'T EVEN DREAM ANYMORE!"
"We just have to hop that we rot away from the inside like Herb. At least that way, we'll die honorably."
"I was always so proud to be a vegetable, but now--"
"Stay proud! Don't ever let those vegan bastards take that away from you. We're god's creatures, not like pigs, which everybody knows are the devil's kittens."
"I'll miss you, you know. When they pick one of us. Or both."
"Stop it. Let's just enjoy the time we have left."
"I hope I wind up in a nice Caesar--"
"Don't. Don't even suggest it. Don't even mention the possibility of it. Just settle in."
"You know, from here I can see the milk."
"That's impossible. It's at the other end of the market."
"Maybe you're right. Maybe it's a dream."
"I am right."
"But what a dream. What an amazing dream."
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