The Rules

You can touch it

You can touch it
But you can't look at it
And if, by some chance
You happen to look at it
You have to immediately look away
And not linger at all--on it

Okay?

Got that?

My boyfriend and I
Have set up these rules
So that we can have a healthy
Open relationship
Based on trust

So you can touch it
As long as he's not home
And you don't try
Putting your mouth on it

Or on any other part of me

Mouths aren't allowed
Like, at all

We can't kiss
Because kissing is intimate
And it's something
I reserve for my boyfriend
But if you want me to go down on you
That's totally fine

I mean, you can't go down on me
But I can go down on you
It's like, a whole, negotiation thing
That I worked out with my boyfriend
Because he wanted to let guys kiss his ears
Which I wasn't really cool with
Because ears are, like, our thing
But I was, like, okay fine
But I get to put my mouth on things
And he was like, okay fine
So now I can put my mouth on pretty much any part of you
Except for feet
Because that's gross

Like, if I even see your feet
I'll probably throw up on them
And that's not even a rule
That's just, like, a thing
I have with myself

Also, we can't eat together
Or talk, really
Aside from like--'Hey'
And--'Take your pants off'

Also, a tv can't be on
I can't get into a car with you at any point
And if you're tender with me in any way
I have to immediately send you home
Shower, burn the sheets
And then delete your number in my phone

These are the rules
They're the only thing
That prevent a perfectly good,
If slightly unconventional, relationship
From falling into complete chaos

So--

Ready to have a good time?