Thursday, February 12, 2009
This Can't Be Art
On Being Difficult
Teach That Girl to Act
"Teach That Girl to Act"
Darren
Sugar shorts
Baby
Baby
Oh, baby
You had better--
Hahaha--
You had better
Listen to me now
Don't just snort
And walk away
I'm trying to help you
Don't you know that?
I just sat through two hours of bullshit
Supplied and paid for
By you, baby boy
The least you can do
Is listen to my opinion
Unless you'd rather wait
And read it in tomorrow's paper
Why don't you get a glass of champagne?
I think we might need some champagne
For this
Or have you stopped drinking?
Me?
Oh, on the contrary
I just started
That little performance
Your girlfriend gave
Has made me realize
Why people become alcoholics
In the first place
Hmm?
Your girlfriend
That girl
The one onstage tonight
She is your girlfriend, isn't she?
Or are you just screwing her
Once or twice
Every night after the show?
Did it begin in tech?
The read-through?
Half-way through the invited dress?
Hmm?
Sugar
I can spot your mark on an actress
Like I can spot shit on a pig
And that girl is just dripping
With you
She is dripping
And not just with you either
But with a lot of you
That much I can tell
She reeked tonight, Darren
Reeked
Oooohhh
You need to talk to that girl
You need to teach that girl to act
Before you put her onstage again
And don't go trying to make her another
Liza Lee Gunner either
Because if you do
I'll tear her apart so bad
She won't have legs to stand on
When she tries walking on that stage
Liza Lee went off to New York
Because you filled her head with so much glory
She thought she could float her way to the top
And didn't those critics in New York
Have fun making her their punching bag?
I had to put up with Liza Lee for years
I was an actor then
I was under your thumb then
But I'm not under your thumb anymore, Sugar
I most certainly am not
And it's a lot harder listening to bad acting
When you're sitting in front of it
Then when you're backstage
And you can pretend
You're not in the same play
As the one the donkey braying onstage is in
I don't have that luxury anymore
But I do have the luxury of being your critic
And I'm no optimistic chicken either
Like that Phillip Von Whatever-His-Name is
He'll give you the benefit of the doubt
I'll just give you my backside
When I walk out of this theater
The next time that girl is up there
Wailing and shouting
And trying to tell me that's acting
That isn't acting, Darren
I know what acting is
And that isn't it
So you better teach
You better teach that girl to act
What was up there tonight
Was disgraceful
Completely disgraceful
You should be ashamed of yourself
For letting her carry on like that
Like a chicken with its wings stapled to its body
That's what she looked like
It was atrocious
You better tame that girl, Darren
Or she's going to keep going like that
She'll be shrieking her way through Shakespeare
She'll be caterwauling through Chekhov
She'll be eating Ibsen alive
And you'll just be sitting up there
In your little director's chair
Thinking of how good her skin's going to smell
Once she's got a little sweat on it
After you get her home
Well I don't get the pleasure of her sweat
I merely get her performance
And pretty soon
I'm not just going to want a refund
I'm going to want blood
And so are your subscribers
You can walk away if you want to
You can say--
'Oh, I don't read the reviews'
But sugar, you do
I know you do
Everybody does
I did
And that girl does
And she's going to read mine tomorrow
And I wouldn't be surprised
If you find her on a ledge two hours later
And I don't feel bad about that
Because you told her she could act
And she was dumb enough to believe you
You could tell me I was a surgeon
Doesn't mean I'd believe you
I sure as hell wouldn't waltz into an operating room
And try my hand at an appendectomy
That's what we all saw tonight
Maybe you didn't see it
But me and the rest of that audience did
We saw a botched operation
Led by an incompetent doctor
Hung out on a limb by you, sugar
Who let his dick direct for him
And who does the blocking?
Your cirrhotic liver
Or your bad temper?
Because it offends me
It offends me as an actor
To know that I got booted
Out of this shithole
Just because I couldn't figure out
Which of your ass cheeks I had to kiss
To get a role worth playing
And that bawling gazelle
Is allowed to gallop all over this stage
This stage that my father built
Or have you forgotten that?
My Daddy put every brick in these walls
Every plank, every floorboard
Every picture hook
Every seat cushion
And every wrinkle on your fucking face
Sugar
My Daddy built this shithole
And two seconds after the coffin's shut
You kick me out of it
Well, that's fine by me
I have no interest in doing what you're doing
Once upon a time
I had a notion
That I was going to bring you down
But just look at you
Doing it for me
Taking away my life's mission
And don't tell me
You're an artist
Don't tell me what I just saw was art
Sugar, I've seen the Mona Lisa
I've seen the Sistine Chapel
And I've seen you
Back when you still had a head on your shoulders
And not in your pants
All that was art
What I saw tonight
Was not art
But you don't care what I think
You don't do it for me, right?
You don't do it for the critics
You don't do it for the audience
You don't do it for the art
Hell, you don't even do it for yourself
You do it because you have to
Because you recall
That at one point
You actually enjoyed yourself
And look at you now
Groping around in the dark
Trying to find the light
Thinking it's going out of some girl
Who thinks Coriolanus is something
You rub on your chest
When you got influenza
My father would have been so disappointed in you
He would have been more disappointed in me
But he liked you more than me
So it should sting you a little bit more
Let me tell you something
You don't have to do anything for me
But if you're going to be one of those snobs
Who says they don't do it for the audience
Then you deserve every word
I'm going to pelt at you and your little cake slice
Bright and early tomorrow morning
If you're not interested
In what the people in these seats
Have to say
People who paid good money
Who scrimped maybe
Who gave you a night of their time
Who spent twenty dollars on a babysitter
And another fifteen on parking
Just to come here
And hear what you had to say
If you don't care about those people
Then stay in your livingroom
And do your theater
With your actress
And let somebody who gives a damn
Do something worth seeing
I'm not looking to cut you down, Darren
But I'm going to speak my mind
Because I'm in one of these seats now
And that entitles me to talk
And it entitles you to listen
Believe it or not
And if that girl wants to keep talking
On the stage my father built
Then you tell her to make her voice
Loud enough
So that people can hear it
And believe it
And want to hear more
You better teach that girl to act, Sugar
You better teach her
And teach her soon
Otherwise I'm going to do it for you
With headlines and puns
And nasty little wordplay
Until she changes my opinion
She's going to earn her place
On that stage
Just like you and I did
And if it's by water or fire
Well, that's up to you
You better teach that girl to act
Because so help me, Darren
If you don't
I'll take her on myself
And I'm one tough teacher
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Let the Children Play
"Let the Children Play"
I. Prentiss
The youngest boy decided
He was going to name himself
Prentiss
They had all had a turn at the diary
The one stashed under the floorboard
In the large upstairs bedroom
And they had read the names aloud
With great flourish
Prentiss was the only one
That couldn't be read that way
And that was the reason
The youngest boy chose it
They had arrived at the house
After walking for a few hours
When it came upon them
Slowly rising
From the ground's line
They weren't entirely sure
That it was real
So they stopped
And stared for a minute
Before continuing to approach
It had been that long
Without food
Without water
Without any hint
That things would be all right
They had slept in abandoned cars
Run-down shacks
Stores with more cobwebs
Than canned goods
Probably already rummaged through
Long before the children got there
This was the first time
They had let themselves
Stay inside a house
To the point where they could sleep
And not shake from fear
As their eyes would close
The youngest boy
The one who would be Prentiss
Wanted to keep going
But the others were tired
And the mansion was too appealing
In its grandeur
They convinced themselves it was safe
Because of the large windows
That seemed like they would prevent
Anyone from hiding
And it didn't occur to them
That the windows would also prevent them
From being hidden
So they pushed open
The wrought-iron gate
And pushed at the old oak door
Until it fell down in front of them
'This must be home,' the eldest girl said
And nobody agreed
And nobody disagreed
And that was that
It took them four days
To explore the house
And get it clean
Clean enough to live in anyway
Each claimed a room
The eldest girl wanted the big bedroom
The eldest boy wanted the attic
The second eldest girl wanted the kitchen
The youngest girl wanted the library
And the youngest boy wanted the parlor
It was the eldest girl who found the diary
She stepped right through
The rotted out floorboard
And went down
Until she was up to her waist
She screamed until the others came running
But once they had made their way
Up to the third floor
The eldest girl had already pulled herself up
And was sitting on the floor
Reading the diary
That she had landed on
It began at the beginning of summer
When a family named the Lessers
Who had apparently lived in the mansion
A very long time ago
Were waiting for a man to arrive
A man named Mr. Marsh
The person writing the diary
Didn't seem to think Mr. Marsh was coming
Because everyone had been waiting
For a very long time
And after flipping ahead a bit
It was clear that Mr. Marsh
Was not going to be making an appearance
In the diary
Or in the story of the Lessers
The eldest girl treated the diary
Just like that
Like it was a story
One that could be acted out
After all
Weren't they in the same house?
Weren't there five of them?
And five characters in the story?
Perhaps they could wait
For Mr. Marsh as well
'I'm Nadia' the eldest girl declared
And then they were off
Calling out who they wanted to be
And finally settling on a vote
But ending up as whomever
Nadia wanted them to be
The eldest boy wound up being Blake
And Nadia immediately took
To bossing him around
Sending him down to the train station
To look for Mr. Marsh
Even though none of them
Had any idea
Where the train station was
Or how to get there
Nadia christened the second eldest girl
Naming her after Ginger
Which didn't sit entirely well with Ginger
Since she wanted to be a part of the family
And not just the old maid
The youngest girl was left with Mariella
Which was just fine with her
Because Mariella was surely
The best character in the story
Very kind and intelligent
And the only reason that Nadia hadn't taken her
Was because she didn't sound pretty enough
The youngest boy had decided on Prentiss
And voiced this decision
But nobody listened
Still, that was what he wound up with
And everyone assumed he'd be upset
Because Prentiss was dull
And spent the beginning of the story
Waiting around at the train station
Doing absolutely nothing
And then snapping at Mariella
When she tried to get him to come home
Mariella stopped talking to Prentiss
As soon as she got to that part
Preferring to spend her time
Sitting in the library
Reading up on pottery techniques
And ancient cave drawings
'You have to talk to him,' Nadia informed her
'Why,' asked Mariella
She was seated in an over-sized chair
The back of which towered over her head
And her small hands rested on the giant armrests
Her legs were dangling inches from the floor
'Mariella is kind,' continued Nadia
'She wouldn't stop speaking to Prentiss
She loves him.
That's why she went to talk to him
In the first place.'
Mariella barely looked up from her book
She merely uttered--
'I suppose I disagree.'
This did not please Nadia
But Mariella was her own character
And she would have final say
Now that names had been picked
And besides
Prentiss didn't seem to notice anyway
He was always sitting in the parlor
On the elongated sofa
Not saying a word
Then one day
There was a noise
Followed by Nadia screaming
And once again
Everyone came running
Only to find they were too late
Prentiss was lying in the front hall
Nadia had been walking down the stairs
When she looked behind her
And saw Prentiss leap
Over the third floor railing
Ginger noticed he had something
Clutched in his hands
She looked at it
And instantly saw what it was
The diary
Blake did the job of dealing
With the body
As he was the only other boy
And he had the most experience
With that sort of thing
Being from one of the first parts
Of the country
That had been affected
When the first blizzard came
He simply picked up Prentiss
His frail, limp body
Instructed Nadia to open the door
And set him down on the front step
Then he walked back into the house
Looked at Nadia
She closed the door
Locked it
And it was over
Mariella started to say something
But Nadia cut her off--
'It's your fault.
Because you wouldn't speak to him
That's why he did it.'
Nadia stormed back upstairs
And there was the sound
Of a door slamming
Mariella went back to the library
And another door slammed
Then crying
Ginger walked over to the diary
And picked it up
She read the page it was open to
Then held it out to Blake
He took it from her
Ripped out the page
The last page
That talked about Prentiss
Before they found him in the garden
After he'd 'fallen' from the roof
Never acknowledging that he had no reason
To be up there in the first place
Blake took the page
And shoved it in his pocket
Then he grabbed Ginger by her shoulders
Not harshly
But seriously
He said--'From this point on, nobody leaves.'
Ginger nodded
Blake went to check on Mariella
But Ginger stayed where she was
And tried to stop herself
From shaking
II. Nadia
Nadia couldn't sleep alone anymore
She'd go from bed to bed
Mostly staying in Blake's
Because that was where she felt safe
Soon she was developing patterns
Every third night
She'd crawl into bed with Ginger
Even though Ginger pretended
That she wasn't there
She was still mad at Nadia
For making her be the old maid
Which meant she had to cook all the meals
And spend most of her time
In the darker parts of the house
Every fourth night
Nadia would sleep next to Mariella
Now that the two had made up
And spent all day
Chatting together in Nadia's bedroom
Talking about how much they missed Prentiss
And hushing when Blake walked by
Because he didn't like that kind of talk
As they would drift off to sleep
Nadia would ask Mariella
What she thought the page said
That was ripped out of the diary
Mariella had already figured it out
But Nadia wasn't as sharp
And she didn't notice
Prentiss' absence from the next few chapters
In the Lesser family history
It was easy to forget about Prentiss
Because the writer of the diary seemed to
And carried on as if the youngest son
Had never existed in the first place
Nadia would lay awake
Looking at Mariella
Who would look up at the ceiling
And notice the cracks in it
They would ask each other questions
Ask about sisters
Ask about mothers
Ask about games they used to play
And boys they used to have crushes on
A long time ago
Every fifth night
Nadia would sleep on the sofa in the parlor
And pretend Prentiss was still there next to her
She would claw at the cushions
And try to dig up a scent of him
Try to find something fresh
Lingering somewhere in what was antique
The morning after those nights
She'd find Ginger standing over her
Washing her face with a warm cloth
Taking away the marks of tears
And other worries
All other nights
She'd spend with Blake
Letting him kiss her neck
Letting him touch her
Letting him lull her to sleep
With his curiosity
When Ginger found her one morning
She had fallen off the sofa
And was laying on the rug
That encompassed the entire parlor
Her eyes wide open
There was a bottle next to her
That Ginger recognized from the pantry
It was clearly labeled
And Ginger had put it on a high shelf
But didn't realize why
It just seemed like you something you do
With that sort of bottle
She wasn't sure how Nadia had gotten to it
Until she went in the pantry
And found the little table
From the parlor
Pushed up against the counter
Most likely giving Nadia just enough height
To grab what she was looking for
Blake was summoned
And once he again
He took care of the body
This time not saying anything
Mariella locked herself in the library
Refusing to come out
Even when it was dinnertime
Even when Ginger made her favorite
Even when Blake pounded on the door
And demanded that she come out
It wasn't until a few nights later
When Ginger was laying in bed
That she felt another body slide next to her
And for a second she thought it was Nadia
Until she remember the sound
Of the front door slamming shut
She smelled Mariella's perfume
And rolled over so she could see her
Mariella's eyes were open so wide
Ginger almost laughed at her
'Don't let Blake know I'm here.'
'I won't.'
'I'm scared of him.'
'I know.'
'Are you?'
'Not yet.'
'Why not?'
Ginger rolled back over
And leaned down
To reach under the bed
Where she kept the diary
She brought it up
Opened to the page
About Nadia
Found in her bed
With a bottle of pills
Half empty
On her nightstand
The other half
Scattered over her body
Like some sort of painting
'Oh God, Ginger.'
'That's why I'm scared.'
'What? Why?'
'Because...'
'The next part's about Blake'
III. Blake
He found the key underneath the cabinet
And when he opened it
Blake knew he was seeing something
That he wasn't supposed to see
So when he started opening bottles
And taking sips from each of them
He felt guilty
But then wondered
If guilt wasn't an extinct idea
Since there was nobody left
To hold him accountable
For anything
Soon he found that sips
Could help him forget things
Or at least make them easier
To remember
Once that was established
Sips became gulps
Long, smooth glasses
Carried around his medicine
And that was what he called it
Because that was what Blake called it
In the diary
Ginger never let him see it anymore
Unless he asked nicely
And he didn't force it from her
Because otherwise the food would be sour
And he'd know he was the cause
Prentiss and Nadia
Didn't seem to take up
Any more room in his head
Then all the other people
He'd lost
His mother went in the first blizzard
His father in the second
And everything after that
Felt like it happened
In seconds
But that was when
He'd open the cabinet
Pull down a bottle
And disappear into the cold
Soon the day arrived
When the cabinet was filled
With nothing but empty bottles
And Blake panicked
He ran to the kitchen
And fell to the floor
In front of Ginger
Begging her for something cool
Something that could chill him
For just a bit longer
When she told him
That she had nothing to offer
He slapper her across the face
And started rooting through the pantry
Throwing food everywhere
Not caring what he damaged
Knowing somewhere
There had to be relief
Ginger screamed at him
Now she was the one begging
Telling him they were short on food
He couldn't destroy what little they had
But he didn't hear her
If he couldn't settle into the coolness
He'd settle into madness
She came at him again
This time throwing herself on him
But he tossed her off
And she hit her head on the counter
Knocking her unconscious
And he kept going
The first bullet hit grazed his ear
The second went past his arm
But the third hit him square in the chest
And that was the one that killed him
When Ginger woke up
Mariella was cleaning up the kitchen
Blake had already been dumped outside
And the gun was on the stove
Looking so innocent
Ginger looked at up at Mariella
Who had a determined stare on her face
She wanted to ask her
What she had done
But she knew
Because she had read it
She had read about Blake
Going into Ginger's room one night
The smell of alcohol on him so strong
Mariella smelled it wafting down the hall
And followed him
She waited until he had climbed on Ginger
She waited until the first scream
And then she had let him have it
And more than once
Because after all
She wasn't a very good shot
'Mariella, what...I...'
Mariella was finished cleaning
She practically stepped over Ginger
As she said--
'This house has a lot to hide.'
IV. Ginger
She found herself missing Trevor
Ginger didn't know why
But the idea of a brother
A kind and authoritative figure
Was comforting to her
Even if she had never met him
Mariella had locked herself in the library
But this time there was no coming out
Ginger would leave plates of food
In front of the library door
And the next day it would be gone
Only crumbs on it
To show the meal had been eaten
It was like living with a ghost
Ginger would hear Mariella
Going about the house at night
Sometimes cleaning things
Sometimes dirtying them
Drawing portraits of Prentiss
And Ginger
And Blake
On walls and floors
In whatever room she happened to be in
Ginger felt that she was acting like a child
And they weren't children anymore
At least Ginger didn't feel like a child
She was harder
Stronger than when they had arrived
At the mansion the diary called Overhill
And she had no tolerance
For Mariella being foolish
When she found the first bruise
She didn't believe it
They had been inside the house for so long
Ginger assumed that any threat
Had long since passed
The second bruise appeared
Then the third
And by that time
She had read enough of the diary
To know what had to happen
She stayed up until dawn
Knowing that by that time
Mariella would have gone back to the library
And would be waiting for her breakfast
To appear an hour later
Ginger had stayed up all night
Packing away as much as she could
Or as much as she could carry
Knowing she might not make it far
So what was the point after all?
She had meant to bring the diary
But somehow that didn't seem fair
It belonged to the house
It belonged to Overhill
And whomever might stay with it
So quietly she exited
Going out the back
Not wanting to see
The bodies flung on the front steps
As she took her first step out of Overhill
In what seemed like a lifetime
She heard a door open somewhere in the house
And the sound of Mariella
Calling her name
V. Mariella
The man had been walking for weeks
His skin was nothing
But a series of bruises
And he was quickly starving to death
The mansion came upon him
But he sensed it before he saw it
Like a small animal might sense a larger one
Right before the strike
He walked up the front stairs
And the smell assaulted him
When he saw the bodies
The man jumped over them
And ran into the house
There wasn't any sunlight to be found
Every inch of the place
Was covered in dust
And every floorboard made a sound
The second he stepped on them
He felt vulnerable immediately
Although being so close to death
The man didn't see the point
In fearing anything
There was a noise upstairs
He felt compelled to see what it was
And felt himself climbing the stairs
All the way up to the third floor
At the end of the hallway
He could see a door
Leading into what appeared to be
The master bedroom
The man had reached the doorway
When he saw a young girl
Sitting at a vanity
Looking at him
By gazing into the mirror
Where his reflection was lingering
Waiting to come in
The young girl spoke to him--
'This isn't my room.'
The man didn't know what to say.
'This was my sister-in-law's room.
My brother's wife.
She's gone.
He's gone.
Everyone's gone.'
This girl had been married?
There were other people here?
Or had there been?
The man was trembling
Either from hunger or discomfort
He couldn't tell which
'She was the one keeping the diary.
That's how I know who you are.'
He felt himself moving away from her
But only succeeded in going to the side
Nearly bumping into a dresser
With picture frames adorning the surface
'Prentiss was really mine.
That's what she didn't put in there.
That he was my son.
I gave him up.
My mother ordered me to.
Because my husband had died.
And the boy would have had no father.
But then my brother died.
So what was the point after all?
Can you tell me that?'
The man was unsettled by this girl
She was like a little old woman
Dressed in a shabby nightgown
Make-up smeared crudely
Across her face
'We went crazy waiting for you, you know.
That's why they're all gone.
I should be cross with you.
But I'm just so relieved you're here.'
She got up and approached him
He felt the bruises burning
As if his entire body
Was revolting against being near her
'Who--' he asked 'Who...is it you think I am?'
The young girl looked frightened
Like a surprise party was just spoiled for her
Or a present wasn't something she expected
But then she smiled and laughed
As if he was making a rather silly joke
'Why,' she said, 'What are you talking about?'
He could see she was even younger than he thought
As soon as she was within inches of him
She was just a child
Just a little girl
'We were waiting for your arrival
Don't you know that?
You had us waiting for so long.
And then everyone got sad.
Then they were gone.
But I'm still here.
And I'm so happy you came back.
Now things can be like they used to.
We can argue all night.
Just like Matthew and I used to.
Won't that be lovely?'
She smiled at him
All her teeth were missing
And her eyes looked like an animal's
He sank back against the dresser
And nearly passed out
The girl just smiled
In a kind sort of way
'Welcome back, Mr. Marsh'
Monday, February 9, 2009
Spectacular Failure
"Spectacular Failure"
Blow me a kiss, sweetie
I'll try to catch it
Between my teeth
Like a rose in a tango
Done in a country
Where we don't speak the language
And don't know the traps
Chase me to Madrid
Into the old hotel
Past the fountain in the lobby
Where we bob for pennies
Like they're really wishes
And try to scrounge up enough
To buy a burger
At the airport
Before we head home
This trip was a failure
A complete failure
Complete with lost luggage
Broken souvenirs
A stomach virus
Pickpockets
And your haircut
They called today
To tell me they found the luggage
And they've having it sent back
It'll be in Boston
By the time we get home
Waiting sheepishly for us
At our front door
Personally
I like the clothes we found
More than the ones we had
I like you in floral button-downs
And pants with oranges on them
That cut off right at the ankles
I never knew your ankles
Were so cute
I liked my wraparound dress
Even if it does cinch too much
In places I don't belong cinching
I believe the man who gave it to me
Told me it was his daughter's
Or his wife's
Either way he found it trashy
So he gave it to me
Wasn't that nice?
I like the flower that crazy lady
Gave me to put in my hair
Was she homeless
Or just insane
Or both?
The flower smells so nice
You'd think she would have wanted
To keep it
You'd think
Wouldn't you?
And the stilettos that prostitute
Let me borrow for the night
I should send her a thank-you card
But I'm not sure where I'd send it
I went to return the shoes to her
But she waved me away
And said now that a white woman
Had worn them dancing
She didn't want them back
These people are so strange
No sooner do they do something nice
Then they invalidate it
By insulting you
It's like an entire country
Full of my mother
Speaking of my mother
Do you think she'll mind the clay pots?
She kept mentioning them
How much she wanted genuine clay pots
Right from a little village in Spain
One of every color we could find
And we found forty-two
Who knew there were even forty-two colors
Of anything?
Let alone clay pots
Made in Spain
I don't blame you for breaking them
I participated, didn't I?
You just threw the first one
But I could have
I could have been the first
When those damn birds started squawking
I did what I always do
I tried ignoring it
And then I heard you get up
And I thought you were just going to close the window
I dreaded you doing that
Because it was so hot in that room
And the fan had stopped turning
Presumably because it was the last thing in the hotel
That wasn't broken
And it was sick of being different
From its sister appliances
Then I heard the first pot break
And a little part of me squeaked
To think that you could destroy something
Something that we had paid for
That we were bringing to my mother
It made me want to kiss you
Like I've never kissed you
In no way polite or simple
But in a messy
Dirty sort of kissing way
I heard another pot break
And the birds kept squawking
I felt myself rising out of bed
Not getting up
But physically levitating
Off the bed
And over to the table
Where we had set up the pots
Right near the window
Almost as if we had anticipated this moment
Then I was throwing pots too
And you were aiming for the birds
Even though as soon as you'd throw a pot
They'd disappear from one rooftop
Only to appear with a friend
On the very next one over
When we had finished throwing the pots
The birds squawked louder than ever
It was amazing that others weren't awake
Maybe they were used to these noises
But as the squawking reached a crescendo
You grabbed me and made love to me
Right there on the balcony
In full view of the birds
And it was devastating
To think we couldn't do that every night
For the rest of our lives
The next day you were a demon
You were possessed
By a stomach virus
Unlike any
That has ever been recorded
In any medical textbook
Doctors were sent from neighboring villages
All of them pronounced you dead
And left me alone with you
Even though you were eating parts of the mattress
And calling out to somebody named Luna
Or perhaps just the moon itself
Even though it was broad daylight
I saw you eat glass
I saw you sew mittens
I saw you tap dance
I saw you write in Aramaic
I saw you pee in the last clay pot
And then toss it off the balcony
Into a holy parade
It took two days for your fever to break
And then you sat up in bed
And asked for English muffins
And you didn't seem to be concerned at all
That you were strapped to the bed
And there were Bible verses written on your skin
You thought you were sweating
But I had actually begun bathing you in holy water
And praying for you to just die
So I could go home
And be done with this nightmare
But when I saw you open your eyes
And smile at me
And say 'Good morning'
I was glad you were alive
And surprised at how glad I was
And we had our English muffins
And made a house of cards
On your breakfast tray
The first time you left the room
After the stomach virus subsided
A pickpocket grabbed my purse
And ran straight into a moving vehicle
He was a chubby little pickpocket
I couldn't understand how he was ever good at thieving
I imagined him to be the one
All the other pickpockets talk about
About his incompetence
And clumsiness
Probably been arrested a few times already
And he only looked to be about fourteen
We took him to a nearby hospital
But all the doctors ran away when they saw you
Because at that point
You'd gotten quite the reputation
For being ridden with evil
Finally someone saw us
And our little pickpocket
Who they thought we were adopting
Because why else would we take him in
Rather than just leave in the road
With all the other fallen vandals?
When they told us he just had a broken leg
I was so relieved
Because I thought he would die
And there had already been
The threat of death on the vacation
And how could we possibly keep avoiding it
It wasn't until we had spoken with the doctor
That we went back to the room
And found the little guy missing
And my purse with all money
Gone as well
I looked out the window
And swore I saw him hobbling away
Down into some alley
Where a group of small kids was waiting for him
Perhaps that's his method
He steals
Throws himself into traffic
Breaks a leg
And then takes off
Bearing the pain the whole way
It sounds insane
But people have been talked into worse
Haven't they?
On our final day
After no sightseeing
After no clay pots
After no money
We decided to dance
I took the wraparound dress
You took the floral shirt
We dove into the fountain in the lobby
And got ourselves enough money
To buy a few drinks
And that burger
We knew we'd want later
We found a little club
And danced for ourselves
For our new marriage
And its spectacular beginning
We had failed at a honeymoon
And yet we felt amazing
Like we had an entire lifetime's worth of trouble
Packed into one awful week
During Spain's worst heatwave
When we had finished dancing
We walked by an all-night barbershop
And we simply had to get you a haircut
Just for the novelty of it
The barber seemed upset
Even though we were giving him business
At an hour when no normal person
Would want or need a haircut
Still he seemed angry
And that probably explains
Why he threw a bowl
That might not even have been empty
Right over your head
And shaved around it
Making you look like the Lost Beatle
Everyone on the plane is looking at us
Because we smell like sweat and Spanish hookers
And because we're dressed like vagabonds
And because you look like Sir Paul
And because I keep smiling and laughing to myself
As I write you this little confession
I plan on giving this to you
On our fiftieth anniversary
And if either of us dies before then
Then I'll leave the letter
Lying on a supermarket shelf
Next to a can of peaches
My confession is that I didn't love you
When we got engaged
Or when we got married
Or when the plane was landing
On the little airstrip
Right outside our honeymoon village
But right now
Closing the chapter
On this spectacular failure
Looking at you
In that ridiculous get-up
With that horrid haircut
I love you so much
I can't think of anyone
I'd rather fail with more
So go ahead, baby
Blow me a kiss
Paradise, Ohio
For a few short months
I lived in
This was when months were days
Of haze, rejection letters were wallpaper
Kittens were demons sent from Hell
To steal away my inspiration
This was when the drink and I battled
The forces of good and evil
Otherwise known as cigarettes and heroin
I remember that it was the summer man walked on the moon
I remember that it was the summer River Phoenix died
I remember that it was the summer AIDS killed everyone I knew
I remember Billy Joel
I remember Ronald Regan
I remember Doris Day
Aspirin
Red Paint
I Love Lucy reruns, first-rans, live episodes
This was when I couldn’t play for shit
Because my hands shook so bad
People thought I was mentally damaged
And
They were right
I took pills like a clichéd starlet
I drank like a playwright
I ate like a pig
I fucked like a porn star and was proud of myself for it
But I did it for money with people I don’t remember
And then wrote laments about it set to bad Dylan knock-off melodies
I was
Pitiable
I looked for a drummer
I looked for drugs
And I looked for a way out
This was
How poetic
And the drink
The drink was a one-night stand every night
The drink was a friend you do stupid shit with
Like cow-tip and drag race
The drink was a card dealer
Sometimes you get the good cards
No, fucker, you never get the good cards
Not with the drink
The drink was
Robert Frost
Tony Curtis
Michael Corleone
The drink was
An adjective—comforting
An adverb—swiftly
A verb--drinking, surprised?
A noun, literal—glass
A noun, figurative—expectation
A past lover—Carla
A member of the family—Uncle Ron
A kitchen utensil—Steak knife
A headline—Musician dies in
I lived in several places in and out of my own head
In and out of my car
In and out of a three-bedroom with a woman who told me she poisoned her husband for the insurance money
I didn’t believe her
I lived with two waiters at a Chinese restaurant who were not Chinese
I lived with an actor who wasn’t very good and an actor who was, and I always got the two of them mixed up
I lived with my dealer
I lived with my dealer’s dealer
I lived with a girl who overdosed as a result of my dealer and his dealer
I lived alone
I always lived alone
I lived with rats
Cockroaches
Empty beer bottles
An inflatable mattress
My guitar
My copy of “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” that I keep for ironic purposes
Needles
DVD’s of Battlestar Galactica
Although I’m not sure if they had even started airing that again yet
Quarters in paper bags
Two hundred and fifty dollars worth of quarters
Which, if you don’t feel like doing math
Is a lot of fucking quarters
I lived with self-loathing
And other people-loathing
I lived with the smell of urine
Pot, degradation, rubbing alcohol
Fried eggs, dead insects, and feet
The feet smell really bothered me
The other stuff…I could live with
When you live in
You go three places
You go to the supermarket.
You buy mac and cheese
You go to the liquor store
You buy liquor
You go to the club
You get a girl
You bring her home
You get high
You fuck
You send her home
You go to the supermarket
You look at the condoms and realize you should have bought some when you were there earlier and used them when you fucked the strung out junkie that you sent home earlier
You buy mac and cheese
You go to the liquor store
You buy liquor
You go home
You pass out
Rinse, repeat
Rinse, repeat
Rinse, repeat
You write songs about unhappiness and people ask you
Are you unhappy?
No
I am not unhappy
I’m imaginative
You write songs about happiness
People lose interest
You don’t care
You close your eyes when you sing songs about happiness
But when you sing about the crestfallen guitar hero
You keep your eyes wide fucking open
To make sure every fucking person in that goddammed fucking room
Is looking right at you
But the nice songs about clouds and Thanksgiving
Who cares if they listen?
Those are for you anyway
While in
I buy Christmas presents in July
I buy a Halloween costume in February
I buy candied hearts in November
I buy an American flag
Sixty American flags
And make them into a blanket
Which I proceed to give away
To a buddy of mine
Who is unpatriotic and an atheist
And he loves that blanket
With a ferocity I will never understand
I purchase knick knacks
Snow globes
A turtle named Gloria
Rare coins
Obnoxious amounts of ham
Sweaters
An autographed copy of “A Farewell to Arms” where the signature is clearly forged
A coffee table shaped like an almond
A car bed
Two chairs that don’t match
A bookcase with no shelves
A poster with Eric Clapton on it
A box of seashells
A voodoo doll kit
A page a day calendar
A coffeemaker
And hangers—wire and otherwise
This constitutes my furniture
My first landlord—a hypnotist
He could get me to do anything but pay rent on time
My first real relationship—Ended with infidelity, slashed tires, and ultimately complete mental breakdown
My first part-time job when I realized I wasn’t leaving any time soon? Taco
The first person I ever punched in the face? My manager at Taco Bell
The first person to buy me a drink after punching someone in the face? My manager at Taco Bell
My favorite color at the time was silver.
My favorite overall movie at the time was A Clockwork Orange.
My favorite temperature was fifty-four that felt like fifty-three.
My favorite Beatle was George, and still is George.
My favorite Mirimax movie was The Crying Game.
My favorite muppet was Scooter.
Samples of reviews of the work I did while in
“Sardonic, show-off with nothing under his bleak surface”
“Revelatory poet shows signs of hope at every corner”
“Bluesy, soulful”
“The reincarnation of James Taylor”
“James Taylor watch out!”
“James Taylor wannabe”
“Jackson Browne”
“The male Joni Mitchell”
“Loved it”
“Hated it”
“God has spoken through him”
“God I want to f**k this guy’s brains out”
“I would kill this man if given the chance”
“Killer song, man”
“No comment”
These were all from the same reviewer
Who was later fired for…well…take a guess
I’m sure it didn’t help
That I was the only musician in
And for a few months
I lived among the Adams and the Eves
I named all the animals
I strode naked through the heart of town
I listened to the serpents
I ate all the apples and most of the other fruit too
Just to be on the safe side
And when I was banished
I gave birth to something else
Two separate ways of looking at the world
And it hurt
It hurt like no other hurt
And I carry those two things around with me
Knowing one day one will kill the other
And I ask why I couldn’t stay in
When
To begin with
My Soul is a Concept
"My Soul is a Concept"
My soul is starved
My poor helpless faith
Stored in a cardboard box
In my ex's basement
Where the encasement causes it
To make music
For those who can't hear it
But fear it anyway
Knowing it may slip up onto the sidewalk
Play a guitar
Write a song or two
But remain in a box
Or don a sandwich board sign
That reads and asks:
'What do you believe?'
I believe in chicken chop suey
Gooey Chinese food
Day old, still good
Eaten with half-dirty forks
On a mattress
Watching a tv with rabbit ears
Never hearing the pounding on the landlord
Making love to his shady lady
Just one stop over
Pop a pill and he's gone
Mowing lawns in Moderna
The suburban town over
Between Grover and Trenton
To hold onto your soul
In a position like this
Is trickier than your Miss
Who might or might not be
Getting dirty with your buddy
Named Buddy
When you're off at work
Doing dishes at cafes
While waifs in t-shirts
Don't tip you
Until you slip up to the stage
And sing for your seduction
Witness their reduction to mainstream bits
Who tip their sex your way
And you send them away
To come home and find your mattress
Smelling like Buddy
His ruddy sneakers probably hidden
Somewhere in your closet
And your Miss smiling like at you
Like--
'What did I do?'
My soul is homeless at the moment
Its tan seems out of place
In this cold winter climate
Playing across the street from me
Wondering when I turned into
A man with a home
Alone because the Miss moved out
Without request from yours truly
Her unruly scarves removed
From the depths of my closet
And Buddy's ruddy shoes gone too
My soul explains things to me
From his side of the street
Like his existence
And how it factors into
My style of writing
Nights in diners
Over eggs over easy
And greasy ham slices
Enticing waitresses to come home with me
So I can have sex
So I can have sex to write about
And fight about my moving on
With Miss when she comes around
Which she doesn't
And she won't
That's what my soul tells me
And he says--
'Where are you supposed to be?'
I invite him in
And with a grin
He takes in my offer
But considers staying outside
Where at least the sun
Is allowed to reside
On cool pavement days
Rays seep down on my soul
But he packs it up anyway
And then off we go
'Where are you supposed to be?'
My soul left a note on my night table
Telling me watch the wires
The cable wires that linger over my head
Allowing me to watch the Food Network
For hours on end
With no friend in sight
To drag me out into the brave light of day
Where I can face my demons
As they appear to me
Brokers
Poker-faced parents
Sitting at outdoor tables
Hearing fables from their kids
About what they're studying
And not studying
And why they're not studying
What they're not studying
And plans for the future
Refuting claims that so-and-so's nephew
Is doing such-and-such
At an archipelago in Pago Pago
And isn't that impressive?
My waitress from a few nights ago
Meets me for English muffins
At a cafe near Sans Loco
And when I mention the parents
Says--
'It's annual--didn't you know that?'
She means parents week
And I attempt to peek over
At my soul enjoying a mimosa
At the next table over
Sitting with the soul of my ex
Looking sexy in a deep thrust
Sort of way
They're discussing concepts
Conceptual takes on break ups
And how they miss
Waking up next to each other
Miss's soul isn't as cold
As its owner
But its still detached
As is mine
I notice
As the waitress drones on
My soul finally moves out
It found a place in Grayton
Two-room, decent parking
Utilities not included
But a nice converted attic space
Where grace and gratitude
Can come over for dinner parties
And look out over the mini-malls
No hallways separating rooms
Everything out in the open
The way my soul likes it
I remind my soul
That I got it off the street
And off the drugs
And kept it clean
Funny stories
About the cable wires falling
From higher places
Than I thought I could hang them
He reminds me
That it was simply a favor
That had run its course
And of course I knew
That this would happen to us
He'd move on
And I'd be stuck
On my mattress
Waiting for Miss
Who skipped town
A long time ago
When Buddy's buddies took up issues
With the misuse of their money
My soul is a concept
It's discussed over brunch
The big plans it spread around town
Ground into condensed expectations
Taken on as soon as it returns
From Caribbean vacations
Elation turning to trepidation
As cobwebs creep up around rumors
That never turn into gold
My soul is a promise
My place is a shithole
My progess is intermittent
And my dinners are cold
My life is a joke
And the joke's getting old
Sunday, February 8, 2009
That Which Does Not Kill Us
Saturday, February 7, 2009
For the Sake of a Girl I'll Meet Someday
"For the Sake of a Girl I'll Meet Someday"
It's not because I hate you, Mom
It's not
It's really not
I don't hate you
I swear
I don't hate you
Not all the time
I just have to do this
Because even though I love you
I have to
But one day I'm going to meet a girl
And she's not going to love you, Mom
I know that
I know that for a fact
Mom, you're a great lady
But you're friggin' terrifying
And you know it
You've made waitresses quit their jobs
After they put a tomato on my plate
By accident
You used to drug test my baby-sitters
Even Auntie Elise
And I'm guessing she failed
Because I haven't seen her
Since I was twelve
The last time I brought a girl over here
You burnt dinner just to set off the smoke detector
So we wouldn't be able to stay in the house
Until the fire department showed up
And you're right
Maybe I'll never meet her
But if I do meet her
And I'm here
She's gonna run
I know it, Mom
She'll run
You know how I know?
Because I'd run
I'm not a psychic
But believe me
She'd run
And if she's a nice quiet girl
With a nice disposition
You'll probably give her
A nervous breakdown
And if she's tough
You'll end up battling her
With long sticks
On the roof
Until one of you falls off
And if she's not Catholic
You'll climb out on the ledge
And threaten to jump
Saying marrying a non-Catholic is a sin
Even though it's really not
But threatening to kill yourself probably is
I know you'll do these things, Mom
And I don't want to put you through that
Or me through that
Or her
Whoever she is
So I gotta move out
And I'm sorry you're hurt
But I'll visit all the time
I promise
Don't look so hurt
You're killing me with those eyes
Don't you want your son to be happy?
. . . . .
Well
Even if you don't
I do
So I gotta go
And even though
I know it'll be tempting
Try to refrain
From looking in my window every night
Or I'll look for another apartment
That isn't across the street
Aw, c'mere
Gimme a hug
And just think of the grandkids
You might have one day
Crossing the Line for the Last Time
"Crossing the Line for the Last Time"
You know
I didn't want to do this
I really didn't
But you know
You push, Bruce
You really push
And this is what happens
When you push
The truth is coming out
No, I'm sorry
I'm sorry everyone
I know none of you wanted to hear this
And I know I promised
But he needs to hear it
One more time
Before I punch his lights out
And walk out of here
For the last time
Bruce
You are
The worst clown
I have ever seen
You're awful
Your balloon animals?
They're disgusting
You did that stupid trick
Where you made the little ball
With the long balloon
And you told a kid
It was a gerbil with elephantiasis
You don't think that kid
Went home and asked his mother
What that meant?
Shame on you
And I don't care that you're Head Clown
And I don't care that the owner likes you
And I don't care because I'm quitting
And you can have the whole train car to yourself
Because I'm out
I'm done
Tonight was the last straw
And everybody knows it
Everybody knows you crossed the line
They're just too scared to say it
But I'm not scared, Bruce
You don't scare me
And don't think taking your nose off
Is going to intimidate me
You're going to listen to me
And tap your floppy toe until I'm done
Do you understand?
When I first started here
I put up with you
Because I thought you were just hazing me
Doing some good-natured ribbing
So I put up with the curdled milk
In the pies you hit me in the face with
I put up with your flatulence in the clown car
When I was sitting underneath you
I even put up with you training that little dog
To piss on my foot every time it sees me
Poor Little Coco
Just another pawn
In your heinous war
Against me
I had it a long time ago
But I listed to Chachi and Scooter
And Bobo and Tyrell
And I thought I could stick it out
I thought I had to
But tonight
Tonight I knew I couldn't do it
And I'm well-aware of what happened
The last time I got into a fight with you
I have the bottom of a beer bottle
Lodged in my thigh
To remind me
I remember you telling me
That I better not cross the line
That I better not come over
To your side of the train car
Ever again
But guess what
I'm crossing it
I'm coming over there
And we're going to finish
What you started tonight
One way or the other
You get your squirting flower
And I'll get mine
And we'll see
Who comes out of this alive
Because tonight
When you had that elephant
Relieve himself into my clown pants
After you had fed him
What I can only imagine
Must have been raw sewage
I knew this had to end
So I'm kicking your ass
Then I'm quitting
And I don't want anybody
To try and stop me
. . . . .
So yeah
Nobody even try
I'm serious
I'm crossing that line
And that's it!
. . . . .
I mean
If anyone wanted to cross it with me
I certainly wouldn't stand in the way
Of someone else getting the justice
They deserve as much as I do
That wouldn't be right
. . . . .
You know what?
I'm dirty
I'm really dirty
I should shower
Elephant poop
It just, uh
It shouldn't be left on too long
So I'm going to shower
Then I'm going to come back here
And, uh, yeah
We'll settle this, Bruce
You bet your ass
We'll settle it
So get that line ready
Because I'm going to cross it
. . . . .
If not tonight
Then definitely tomorrow night
For sure
Jack, Diane, and Me
"Jack, Diane, and Me"
Hello Indianapolis!
My name is Derek Nealon
I am seventeen years old
And I am madly in love
With the girl sitting at table four
She plays on my father's girls' basketball team
And there's a very good chance
That's she in love
With the assistant coach
Otherwise known as my brother, Tad
As in 'Tadpole'
So named after a character on 'All My Children'
And believe me he lives up to both the name
And its legacy
Before I go any further with all that
Let me just tell you
How much I enjoy your city
It appears
Much like the Emerald City
After driving through
What can only be described
As barren wasteland
And corn
And then once you get past the ghettos
With chickens in cages
Outside on sidewalks
And scary women
Who look like Jamaican witch doctors
You arrive in the city
The nice part of it
Where everything is crammed together
As if rather than having a city planner
You had a giant toddler
Throw random buildings everywhere
How else do you explain
A giant domed arena
Across from a giant cathedral
Next to the biggest fucking mall
I have ever seen in my life
I don't know if any of you noticed this
But if you're in the parking garage for the mall
You can see through the stained glass windows
Of the cathedral
As soon as I'm done here
At your little karaoke bar
I'm going to go make shadow puppets
And see if I can freak out a bishop or something
Yes, I enjoy many things about your city
Including your very lenient drinking policies
And the fact that everyone seems to think I'm twenty-four
When, as I mentioned, I'm only seventeen
But a very smart seventeen
A very smart responsible seventeen-year-old
So no worries
By the way
I'm sorry to whomever I threw up on
A couple of minutes ago
In the bathroom
Sometimes shit happens
You know what I mean?
I'm not quite sure
How I got to this magical karaoke bar
Your mall is very interesting
In that you go up one escalator
And there's another floor
And you do this ten times
And each time
Another floor
And then you get to the top
And there's an escalator looking down
On all the floors you've come up from
As if almost daring you to fling yourself down
Into the bowels of the Indianapolis mall
Because the love of your life
Loves your stupid brother
But instead
You ride the escalator
To the little karaoke bar
At the top of the world
And find
That they're having a contest
A karaoke contest, of course
And you feel you should enter
Then people hand you drinks
Without even asking your name
Because you're in the Midwest now
Not back in New Hampshire
Where everyone loves your brother
Because they're all fucking assholes
Who should die
And you should move to...
Wait, where was I going with this?
NEVERMIND!
Anyway
I am here for the basketball tournament
I am the team's water boy
And as if that weren't bad enough
My father had a special pink jersey made for me
That says 'Team Bitch'
Isn't that funny?
I think it's funny
Can someone get me a cowboy hat?
I don't want to wear it
I just feel like I'm going to throw up again
No
Wait
False alarm
MOVING ON!
So tonight
I am going to win the heart of my love
The free throw girl's champion
In all of New Hampshire
And spurn my brother
The Cain to my Abel
The LaToya to my Janet
The Barry Bee Gee to my Andy Bee Gee
And I'm going to do it all
With one song
Because I am going to win this contest
This little karaoke contest at the top of the world
And then I'm going to go make shadow puppets
Then I'm going to hitchhike to Los Angeles
And get myself a job
Becoming important
And firing people
Who I don't like
How
You may ask
Do I know
That I am going to win this contest?
Because I am in Indiana
I am drunk
I am in love
I am getting myself a cowboy hat
And I am about to sing
'Jack and Diane'
Hand me the trophy cup
Hand it to me now
Not because I'm impatient
But because I still need to throw up
And the hat may not be deep enough
I'll hold it while I serenade my love
Who always makes it hurt so good
I ain't even done with the night
And already I know a cherry bomb
Is gonna go off in my heart
The walls will come tumblin' down
And she'll let me buy her a little pink house
I was born in a small town
And I'll die in a small town
But on those lonely ole nights
I need a lover that don't drive me crazy
And that lover is you, Miss Free Throw
STOP GIVING ME THE FINGER, TAD!
AND GET YOUR ARM OFF HER SHOULDER!
I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!
Anyway...
Are you ready
To R-O-C-K in the U.S.A?
Manchester Mollies!
This is for you!
The Intelligence Report
"The Intelligence Report"
Good morning, Cindy
How are you today, ma'am?
Feeling well?
Getting over that cold?
Excellent
Very good
Well
As you probably expected
You missed quite a bit
At school yesterday
So today's briefing might be a bit longer
Than our average session
First off
We've been looking into the Homeroom issue
Apparently Christine Fonaccio was the one
Who told J.P. Campbell that you get your period
Four times a week
So you'll never be able to have sex
Yes, ma'am
I'll try not to notice you crying
But please keep in mind
We think she did it
Because she was jealous
That you received an invitation from J.P.
To the formal next week
Either way
We've taken care of the problem
We had Christine shipped to Bolivia
Where she'll be tortured and left in a cell
With nothing but dried bread
And some rats
For a couple of years
We feel it's an appropriate response
To spreading misinformation
Next
There's American History
We had a conversation with Mr. Grush
And you'll be happy to know
He reconsidered that 'D' he gave you
On the last test
It took some convincing
But as soon as the electrodes
Were on his testicles
He got out that red pen
And made that 'D' into a happy 'A'
Here you go
This is the paper
With the revised grade
And we took the liberty
Of spraying it with your favorite perfume
Since we know it's been a hard week
After that
There was the problem at lunch
Where the cheerleaders were trying
To take over your usual table
Becky did a good job
Of holding down the fort
But in the end
They broke her
We found her in the girls' bathroom
Hiding in one of the stalls
Gobbling down Fifth Avenue Bars
And crying for her mother
At first
We considered contacting you
To see if you felt a full-frontal assault
Would be necessary
But your mother said
You were in the bathroom retching
So we didn't want to bother you
Instead
We took quick and decisive action
Two of the cheerleaders were put down immediately
One managed to behead one of our guys
But in war, there will be casualties
Three others
Piled on top of each other
Forming a Pyramid of Death
That has not only won cheer competitions
But which at one point
Took out half the Israeli army
When the cheerleaders made a play
At the Middle East
We were prepared for the P.O.D.
And with a few cannisters of tear gas
All the cheerleaders were on the ground gagging
Within a few minutes
One of them tried to run
Like a little pom-pom pussy
Pardon my language, ma'am
So we had a little fun with her
Before we threw her off a moving train
On the north side of Bangladesh
The last one was tricky
Carla Amatroggia?
Apparently
She's been the silent striker
All this time
In under a minute
She was able to use her Civics notebook
To disarm and disable
Five separate operatives
At which point
I, personally, had to engage her
In hand-to-hand combat
Which is how I wound up in this cast
After nearly an hour
I corned her near the snack machines
And only after pelting her
With several fifth avenue bars
Right at the sides of her head
Was I able to render her unconscious
Conclusion
I believe you have your table back, ma'am
No need to thank me
A few quick resolutions:
Ryan Nealy will no longer be calling you 'Sketch'
He is also missing his tongue
But will be receiving it back
In a few days
Provided he behaves
Mrs. Hecht will allow you to come late to class
And if she gives you any more trouble
Let us know
And we'll go back
To kill her other dog
The creepy kid whose locker is next to yours
Has been investigated
And he is a member of a drug cartel
But unfortunately we're not able to do anything about him
Because our country has...
Well, it's complicated
Finally
I'm sorry to report this
But there's no way around it
So please, be strong
We have confirmed that your older brother
Is a double agent, most likely TD-585
And will have to be eliminated immediately
He might even be the reason
You're in bed right now
A thwarted attempt at assassination
I wouldn't put it past those 585 bastards
We've left some tablets on your nightstand
Crush them up and put them into his protein drink
And he should keel over at football practice tomorrow
It'll look like heatstroke
May I say in advance
That I'm sorry for your loss
On a personal note
I lost my mother the same way
That's the briefing for today
Have a great day at school
Good luck at the auditions for 'Kiss Me, Kate'
Although I have a feeling
You'll be getting the lead
Just ignore Mr. Hammersmith's
Missing right eye
I believe now he 'sees' the error
Of his theatrical judgment...
Just a little pun there, ma'am
It's best to try to laugh
When dealing with trouble
Friday, February 6, 2009
You Look Like a Meat and Potatoes Kinda Guy
See That Bird? I Can Eat It
"See That Bird? I Can Eat It"
I am a bear
I can eat things
That I'm not supposed to eat
Because when you're a bear
You can eat lots of things
Like pie
Even before dinner
Because you don't ever get full
And it's a small pie anyway
So why not just eat it?
See that bird? I can eat it
I can eat it
Because I am a bear
Bears eat birds
That's what my cousin told me
And she is smart
Because my aunt is smart
But not my uncle
Because my aunt is my mom's sister
And my uncle is my uncle just cause of my aunt
So that's why he didn't get to be smart
Everyone who is to my mom is smart
So I am smart
I am a smart bear
See that chalkboard? I can eat it.
Because I am a bear
And bears are big
And can fit chalkboards in their stomach
And other things
Like couches
And pajamas
And my sister
I could eat my sister
If she was mean
Cause she is
And she would deserve to be in my stomach
Where it would be cold
And she would have to sit on the couch I ate
And wear pajamas that are smelly
Because they've been in my stomach
And she'd have to think about being mean
And maybe change her mind
See Mrs. Lupinksy? I can eat her.
Because bears shouldn't go to school
Because they know everything
That's how come they live
Even when it's cold outside
And there's snow
And hunters too
That are mean
Because they shoot bears
Like me
Bears can also hibernate
But only after they eat a lot!
Hibernate is when you sleep
Because it's winter
And it's cold
And there's snow
Like I said before
But you're asleep
Because your mom told you
That you had to sleep
Even though you weren't really tired
And you didn't really need to hibernate
Because you have fur
So you wouldn't be that cold
But she said no
And that was that
See my homework? No?
That's cause I ate it
That's why I don't have it
Because I ate it
When I was a bear
Because I was trying
To see what it would be like
To be a bear
And I ate my really long report
That I did for you, Mrs. Lupinsky
Who I didn't eat
Even though I could have
When I was a bear
It was a really good report
And I was sad that it had to be eaten
But when you're hungry
You're hungry
And that is what I learned about bears
And what they eat
And my sister is mean
Enough to me already
So please be nice to me
Thank you