Jack, Diane, and Me

-- If you only knew how autobiographical this is... --

"Jack, Diane, and Me"

Hello Indianapolis!

My name is Derek Nealon
I am seventeen years old
And I am madly in love
With the girl sitting at table four

She plays on my father's girls' basketball team
And there's a very good chance
That's she in love
With the assistant coach
Otherwise known as my brother, Tad
As in 'Tadpole'
So named after a character on 'All My Children'
And believe me he lives up to both the name
And its legacy

Before I go any further with all that
Let me just tell you
How much I enjoy your city
It appears
Much like the Emerald City
After driving through
What can only be described
As barren wasteland
And corn

And then once you get past the ghettos
With chickens in cages
Outside on sidewalks
And scary women
Who look like Jamaican witch doctors

You arrive in the city
The nice part of it
Where everything is crammed together
As if rather than having a city planner
You had a giant toddler
Throw random buildings everywhere

How else do you explain
A giant domed arena
Across from a giant cathedral
Next to the biggest fucking mall
I have ever seen in my life

I don't know if any of you noticed this
But if you're in the parking garage for the mall
You can see through the stained glass windows
Of the cathedral

As soon as I'm done here
At your little karaoke bar
I'm going to go make shadow puppets
And see if I can freak out a bishop or something

Yes, I enjoy many things about your city
Including your very lenient drinking policies
And the fact that everyone seems to think I'm twenty-four
When, as I mentioned, I'm only seventeen
But a very smart seventeen
A very smart responsible seventeen-year-old
So no worries

By the way
I'm sorry to whomever I threw up on
A couple of minutes ago
In the bathroom
Sometimes shit happens
You know what I mean?

I'm not quite sure
How I got to this magical karaoke bar
Your mall is very interesting
In that you go up one escalator
And there's another floor
And you do this ten times
And each time
Another floor
And then you get to the top
And there's an escalator looking down
On all the floors you've come up from
As if almost daring you to fling yourself down
Into the bowels of the Indianapolis mall
Because the love of your life
Loves your stupid brother

But instead
You ride the escalator
To the little karaoke bar
At the top of the world
And find
That they're having a contest
A karaoke contest, of course
And you feel you should enter
Then people hand you drinks
Without even asking your name
Because you're in the Midwest now
Not back in New Hampshire
Where everyone loves your brother
Because they're all fucking assholes
Who should die
And you should move to...

Wait, where was I going with this?

NEVERMIND!

Anyway
I am here for the basketball tournament
I am the team's water boy
And as if that weren't bad enough
My father had a special pink jersey made for me
That says 'Team Bitch'

Isn't that funny?
I think it's funny
Can someone get me a cowboy hat?
I don't want to wear it
I just feel like I'm going to throw up again

No
Wait
False alarm

MOVING ON!

So tonight
I am going to win the heart of my love
The free throw girl's champion
In all of New Hampshire
And spurn my brother
The Cain to my Abel
The LaToya to my Janet
The Barry Bee Gee to my Andy Bee Gee
And I'm going to do it all
With one song

Because I am going to win this contest
This little karaoke contest at the top of the world
And then I'm going to go make shadow puppets
Then I'm going to hitchhike to Los Angeles
And get myself a job
Becoming important
And firing people
Who I don't like

How
You may ask
Do I know
That I am going to win this contest?

Because I am in Indiana
I am drunk
I am in love
I am getting myself a cowboy hat
And I am about to sing

'Jack and Diane'

Hand me the trophy cup
Hand it to me now
Not because I'm impatient
But because I still need to throw up
And the hat may not be deep enough
I'll hold it while I serenade my love
Who always makes it hurt so good

I ain't even done with the night
And already I know a cherry bomb
Is gonna go off in my heart
The walls will come tumblin' down
And she'll let me buy her a little pink house

I was born in a small town
And I'll die in a small town
But on those lonely ole nights
I need a lover that don't drive me crazy
And that lover is you, Miss Free Throw

STOP GIVING ME THE FINGER, TAD!
AND GET YOUR ARM OFF HER SHOULDER!
I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!

Anyway...

Are you ready
To R-O-C-K in the U.S.A?

Manchester Mollies!
This is for you!