Paradise, Ohio

-- This was the Musician monologue performed in "Whatever It Takes. --

"Paradise, Ohio"

For a few short months

I lived in Paradise, Ohio.

This was when months were days

Of haze, rejection letters were wallpaper

Kittens were demons sent from Hell

To steal away my inspiration

This was when the drink and I battled

The forces of good and evil

Otherwise known as cigarettes and heroin

I remember that it was the summer man walked on the moon

I remember that it was the summer River Phoenix died

I remember that it was the summer AIDS killed everyone I knew

I remember Billy Joel

I remember Ronald Regan

I remember Doris Day

Aspirin

Red Paint

I Love Lucy reruns, first-rans, live episodes

This was when I couldn’t play for shit

Because my hands shook so bad

People thought I was mentally damaged

And

They were right

I took pills like a clichéd starlet

I drank like a playwright

I ate like a pig

I fucked like a porn star and was proud of myself for it

But I did it for money with people I don’t remember

And then wrote laments about it set to bad Dylan knock-off melodies

I was

Pitiable

I looked for a drummer

I looked for drugs

And I looked for a way out

This was Paradise

Ohio

How poetic

And the drink

The drink was a one-night stand every night

The drink was a friend you do stupid shit with

Like cow-tip and drag race

The drink was a card dealer

Sometimes you get the good cards

No, fucker, you never get the good cards

Not with the drink

The drink was

Robert Frost

Tony Curtis

Michael Corleone

The drink was

An adjective—comforting

An adverb—swiftly

A verb--drinking, surprised?

A noun, literal—glass

A noun, figurative—expectation

A past lover—Carla

A member of the family—Uncle Ron

A kitchen utensil—Steak knife

A headline—Musician dies in Paradise

Ohio

I lived in several places in and out of my own head

In and out of my car

In and out of a three-bedroom with a woman who told me she poisoned her husband for the insurance money

I didn’t believe her

I lived with two waiters at a Chinese restaurant who were not Chinese

I lived with an actor who wasn’t very good and an actor who was, and I always got the two of them mixed up

I lived with my dealer

I lived with my dealer’s dealer

I lived with a girl who overdosed as a result of my dealer and his dealer

I lived alone

I always lived alone

I lived with rats

Cockroaches

Empty beer bottles

An inflatable mattress

My guitar

My copy of “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” that I keep for ironic purposes

Needles

DVD’s of Battlestar Galactica

Although I’m not sure if they had even started airing that again yet

Quarters in paper bags

Two hundred and fifty dollars worth of quarters

Which, if you don’t feel like doing math

Is a lot of fucking quarters

I lived with self-loathing

And other people-loathing

I lived with the smell of urine

Pot, degradation, rubbing alcohol

Fried eggs, dead insects, and feet

The feet smell really bothered me

The other stuff…I could live with

When you live in Paradise, Ohio

You go three places

You go to the supermarket.

You buy mac and cheese

You go to the liquor store

You buy liquor

You go to the club

You get a girl

You bring her home

You get high

You fuck

You send her home

You go to the supermarket

You look at the condoms and realize you should have bought some when you were there earlier and used them when you fucked the strung out junkie that you sent home earlier

You buy mac and cheese

You go to the liquor store

You buy liquor

You go home

You pass out

Rinse, repeat

Rinse, repeat

Rinse, repeat

You write songs about unhappiness and people ask you

Are you unhappy?

No

I am not unhappy

I’m imaginative

You write songs about happiness

People lose interest

You don’t care

You close your eyes when you sing songs about happiness

But when you sing about the crestfallen guitar hero

You keep your eyes wide fucking open

To make sure every fucking person in that goddammed fucking room

Is looking right at you

But the nice songs about clouds and Thanksgiving

Who cares if they listen?

Those are for you anyway

While in Paradise, I purchase things

I buy Christmas presents in July

I buy a Halloween costume in February

I buy candied hearts in November

I buy an American flag

Sixty American flags

And make them into a blanket

Which I proceed to give away

To a buddy of mine

Who is unpatriotic and an atheist

And he loves that blanket

With a ferocity I will never understand

I purchase knick knacks

Snow globes

A turtle named Gloria

Rare coins

Obnoxious amounts of ham

Sweaters

An autographed copy of “A Farewell to Arms” where the signature is clearly forged

A coffee table shaped like an almond

A car bed

Two chairs that don’t match

A bookcase with no shelves

A poster with Eric Clapton on it

A box of seashells

A voodoo doll kit

A page a day calendar

A coffeemaker

And hangers—wire and otherwise

This constitutes my furniture

My first landlord—a hypnotist

He could get me to do anything but pay rent on time

My first real relationship—Ended with infidelity, slashed tires, and ultimately complete mental breakdown

My first part-time job when I realized I wasn’t leaving any time soon? Taco Bell

The first person I ever punched in the face? My manager at Taco Bell

The first person to buy me a drink after punching someone in the face? My manager at Taco Bell

My favorite color at the time was silver.

My favorite overall movie at the time was A Clockwork Orange.

My favorite temperature was fifty-four that felt like fifty-three.

My favorite Beatle was George, and still is George.

My favorite Mirimax movie was The Crying Game.

My favorite muppet was Scooter.

Samples of reviews of the work I did while in Paradise

“Sardonic, show-off with nothing under his bleak surface”

“Revelatory poet shows signs of hope at every corner”

“Bluesy, soulful”

“The reincarnation of James Taylor”

“James Taylor watch out!”

“James Taylor wannabe”

“Jackson Browne”

“The male Joni Mitchell”

“Loved it”

“Hated it”

“God has spoken through him”

“God I want to f**k this guy’s brains out”

“I would kill this man if given the chance”

“Killer song, man”

“No comment”

These were all from the same reviewer

Who was later fired for…well…take a guess

I’m sure it didn’t help

That I was the only musician in Paradise

And for a few months

I lived among the Adams and the Eves

I named all the animals

I strode naked through the heart of town

I listened to the serpents

I ate all the apples and most of the other fruit too

Just to be on the safe side

And when I was banished

I gave birth to something else

Two separate ways of looking at the world

And it hurt

It hurt like no other hurt

And I carry those two things around with me

Knowing one day one will kill the other

And I ask why I couldn’t stay in Paradise

When Paradise wasn’t even that great

To begin with