On Being Difficult

-- Just read the title. --

"On Being Difficult"

I am difficult

I am not easy

Not always

Not always ready

To say a kind word

Or let someone off the hook

I'm difficult

I'm not put together

Like a jigsaw puzzle

For six-year-olds

And I'm not looking

To be put together

Anytime soon

I don't want all my pieces

Sliding into each other

So that I can make sense

To people who want to spend all day

Figuring out puzzles

Just so they can throw them

Back in the box

And shove them back in the closet

Only to take them out again

When a rainy day reappears

I'm difficult

I swear

I curse

I blaspheme

Then I go to church

And pray

To a God

I don't necessarily

Believe in

For now

Difficult

I'm complicated

I'm a foreign film

And sometimes

The subtitles

Just don't appear

I shoot myself in the foot

To spite my face

And bite the hand

That feeds me

All at the same time

I hate my body

But I wear skinny jeans

I know what I have

And I know what I don't

And I'm never sure

What goes in Column A

And what's in Column B

I hate my family

But I love my family holidays

Until I'm sitting at a table

With nothing to say

Still gay?

Yup

Okay

That's it

And silence

It's difficult

I'm temperamental

I'm testy

I can hear that someone's talking shit

And let it go

And be okay

And then the next day

When some bitch cuts me off in traffic

I act like she's run me over

With her ranger rover

Till I'm a maniac

So I guess you could say

I not only overreact but I don't even know

When to overreact

I'm difficult

To talk to

When I don't want to talk

And no amount of effort

Can make me listen

When I don't want to listen

And when I don't like you

I don't like you

And then I can love you

Mere seconds later

It's tricky

I'm tricky

I don't mean to be

Tricky

But when I try

To confine myself

To one simple thing

That everyone

Can appreciate

And trust

And understand

I find I'm not that man

And that the man I am

Might be impossible

To befriend

To belittle

To love

To leave

To let go

And to keep

So the question would be?

Am I worth it?

It's difficult

To answer that

Because leave me

Is a luxury

That I've never had

So I've done my best

And been my best

And been an ass

And been left

And left longing

Belonging to nobody

But my difficulty

And it's hard

And I deal

Snakebit and all

If I fall

I fall alone

On a hard surface

And it's hard

It's difficult

To get up again

But I do

Truth be told

I'm not unaware

That it's much more difficult

For you