The Intelligence Report

-- I wondered what an intelligence report might sound like given to someone who isn't technically all that important. Warning: This became really twisted. --

"The Intelligence Report"

Good morning, Cindy
How are you today, ma'am?
Feeling well?
Getting over that cold?
Excellent
Very good

Well

As you probably expected
You missed quite a bit
At school yesterday
So today's briefing might be a bit longer
Than our average session

First off
We've been looking into the Homeroom issue
Apparently Christine Fonaccio was the one
Who told J.P. Campbell that you get your period
Four times a week
So you'll never be able to have sex

Yes, ma'am
I'll try not to notice you crying
But please keep in mind
We think she did it
Because she was jealous
That you received an invitation from J.P.
To the formal next week

Either way
We've taken care of the problem

We had Christine shipped to Bolivia
Where she'll be tortured and left in a cell
With nothing but dried bread
And some rats
For a couple of years

We feel it's an appropriate response
To spreading misinformation

Next

There's American History
We had a conversation with Mr. Grush
And you'll be happy to know
He reconsidered that 'D' he gave you
On the last test

It took some convincing
But as soon as the electrodes
Were on his testicles
He got out that red pen
And made that 'D' into a happy 'A'

Here you go
This is the paper
With the revised grade
And we took the liberty
Of spraying it with your favorite perfume
Since we know it's been a hard week

After that
There was the problem at lunch
Where the cheerleaders were trying
To take over your usual table

Becky did a good job
Of holding down the fort
But in the end
They broke her

We found her in the girls' bathroom
Hiding in one of the stalls
Gobbling down Fifth Avenue Bars
And crying for her mother

At first
We considered contacting you
To see if you felt a full-frontal assault
Would be necessary
But your mother said
You were in the bathroom retching
So we didn't want to bother you

Instead
We took quick and decisive action
Two of the cheerleaders were put down immediately
One managed to behead one of our guys
But in war, there will be casualties

Three others
Piled on top of each other
Forming a Pyramid of Death
That has not only won cheer competitions
But which at one point
Took out half the Israeli army
When the cheerleaders made a play
At the Middle East

We were prepared for the P.O.D.
And with a few cannisters of tear gas
All the cheerleaders were on the ground gagging
Within a few minutes

One of them tried to run
Like a little pom-pom pussy
Pardon my language, ma'am

So we had a little fun with her
Before we threw her off a moving train
On the north side of Bangladesh

The last one was tricky
Carla Amatroggia?
Apparently
She's been the silent striker
All this time

In under a minute
She was able to use her Civics notebook
To disarm and disable
Five separate operatives
At which point
I, personally, had to engage her
In hand-to-hand combat
Which is how I wound up in this cast

After nearly an hour
I corned her near the snack machines
And only after pelting her
With several fifth avenue bars
Right at the sides of her head
Was I able to render her unconscious

Conclusion
I believe you have your table back, ma'am
No need to thank me

A few quick resolutions:

Ryan Nealy will no longer be calling you 'Sketch'
He is also missing his tongue
But will be receiving it back
In a few days
Provided he behaves

Mrs. Hecht will allow you to come late to class
And if she gives you any more trouble
Let us know
And we'll go back
To kill her other dog

The creepy kid whose locker is next to yours
Has been investigated
And he is a member of a drug cartel
But unfortunately we're not able to do anything about him
Because our country has...

Well, it's complicated

Finally

I'm sorry to report this
But there's no way around it
So please, be strong

We have confirmed that your older brother
Is a double agent, most likely TD-585
And will have to be eliminated immediately
He might even be the reason
You're in bed right now
A thwarted attempt at assassination
I wouldn't put it past those 585 bastards

We've left some tablets on your nightstand
Crush them up and put them into his protein drink
And he should keel over at football practice tomorrow
It'll look like heatstroke

May I say in advance
That I'm sorry for your loss
On a personal note
I lost my mother the same way

That's the briefing for today
Have a great day at school
Good luck at the auditions for 'Kiss Me, Kate'
Although I have a feeling
You'll be getting the lead

Just ignore Mr. Hammersmith's
Missing right eye
I believe now he 'sees' the error
Of his theatrical judgment...

Just a little pun there, ma'am
It's best to try to laugh
When dealing with trouble