"You Should Leave Now"
Ladies and gentlemen
Please turn off your cell phones
Please notice the exits
I'm not going to tell you where they are
In the event of an emergency
THERE ARE A MILLION FUCKING DOORS
IN THIS BUILDING
Keep running out of them
Until you feel cool air
And then you're probably fine
A few things you should hear
Before we begin
Fuck you
Fuck off
Fuck your mother
Did that offend you?
Then you should leave now
Penis
Penis
Penis
We don't actually say penis
We say cock
We say dick
We say monkey wrench
We do not say penis
If penis offended you
Don't worry
But if any of the other ones did
You should leave now
If seeing me kiss a boy
Would turn you off
Then stick around
I don't kiss anyone
Not onstage anyway
Not if I'm not getting paid
And my name isn't on the poster
If seeing a boy kiss a boy
Would turn you off
You should leave now
If you're extremely religious
Leave now
If you're mildly religious
Leave now
If you went to church once
And you thought some it
Wasn't so bad
Leave now
Leave now
Leave now
If you don't like hookers
Leave now
If you don't like vegetable potstickers
Leave now
If you don't like blowjobs or vanilla ice cream
Leave now
Every theater in town
Is begging you to come in
We're telling you to take a hike
If and only if you don't want to be here
We only want willing audience members
Lovely, happy people
Who will laugh at our jokes
Loudly
Who will cry at the sad parts
And who will compliment us afterwards
If you're not one of those people
Leave now
There's a lovely production of Godspell
Going on somewhere
That I'm sure you could see
If you're looking for singing
Leave now
You don't want to hear our singing
Trust me
If you're looking for sets
Leave now
If you're looking for costumes
Leave now
If you're looking for Cate Blanchett
I shot her and ate her children
Hahahaha
Just kidding
But leave
No kidding
Leave now
No, we won't give you back your money
But we have candy canes
And you can have as many
As you want
Okay
I'm going to toss out the 'c' word
Are you ready?
Here it goes
. . . . .
Just kidding
We don't like that word either
Anyway
Let the trainwreck begin
Turn on the strobe lights
Blast the loud music
Bring out the goat
Start up the fog machine
And get ready
To burn every bridge
Oh
And if you haven't already
You should leave now
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