For the Sake of a Girl I'll Meet Someday

-- This is Jeff's suggestion. --

"For the Sake of a Girl I'll Meet Someday"

It's not because I hate you, Mom
It's not
It's really not
I don't hate you
I swear
I don't hate you
Not all the time

I just have to do this
Because even though I love you
I have to
But one day I'm going to meet a girl
And she's not going to love you, Mom
I know that
I know that for a fact

Mom, you're a great lady
But you're friggin' terrifying
And you know it

You've made waitresses quit their jobs
After they put a tomato on my plate
By accident

You used to drug test my baby-sitters
Even Auntie Elise
And I'm guessing she failed
Because I haven't seen her
Since I was twelve

The last time I brought a girl over here
You burnt dinner just to set off the smoke detector
So we wouldn't be able to stay in the house
Until the fire department showed up

And you're right
Maybe I'll never meet her
But if I do meet her
And I'm here
She's gonna run

I know it, Mom
She'll run
You know how I know?
Because I'd run
I'm not a psychic
But believe me
She'd run

And if she's a nice quiet girl
With a nice disposition
You'll probably give her
A nervous breakdown

And if she's tough
You'll end up battling her
With long sticks
On the roof
Until one of you falls off

And if she's not Catholic
You'll climb out on the ledge
And threaten to jump
Saying marrying a non-Catholic is a sin
Even though it's really not
But threatening to kill yourself probably is

I know you'll do these things, Mom
And I don't want to put you through that
Or me through that
Or her
Whoever she is

So I gotta move out
And I'm sorry you're hurt
But I'll visit all the time
I promise

Don't look so hurt
You're killing me with those eyes
Don't you want your son to be happy?

. . . . .

Well
Even if you don't
I do

So I gotta go

And even though
I know it'll be tempting
Try to refrain
From looking in my window every night
Or I'll look for another apartment
That isn't across the street

Aw, c'mere
Gimme a hug
And just think of the grandkids
You might have one day