"You Look Like a Meat and Potatoes Kinda Guy"
Hmm
You, huh?
Yeah you
Yes, you
Turn around
It's okay
I am actually talking to you
No
Don't tell me your name
I don't want to know your name
I'm going to call you Potato
Why?
Because
You look like a potato
A potato who likes potatoes
A meat and potatoes kinda guy
That's what you look like
I bet your name is something sweet
Isn't it?
Like Tom
Or Michael
But everyone calls you Mike
It's not anything cool, is it?
Like Murphy
Or Shane
Or Connor
No, you're none of those guys
And that's okay
Believe me, Potato
That's okay
I've had those guys
The last thing I want right now
Are those guys
Right now
I'm looking at you, Potato
I'm looking right at you
And I like what I'm seeing
I bet you don't cheat
Do you, Potato?
I bet you're so faithful
And not just because
Nobody ever gives you the chance to cheat
But because you're appreciative
You like what you got
When you get it
Which is probably never
Look at you
Looking in my eyes
Hoping to make conversation
To impress me
With the fact
That you probably have a 401K
One of the few that isn't shit right now
And you probably own a condo
And drive a hybrid
And you fuck missionary, don't you?
Oh, that's so cute
That's adorable, Potato
Really, it is
Normally
Everything I'm saying right now
Would just be me mocking you
Or trying to score a free drink
But I'll tell you something
I just got fucked over
By a different kind of guy
Not the kind you are
No, noooooo, no
Not like you at all
His name was Diego
He fucked like a horny koala bear
And he smiled like a cat
That just a fucking mouse buffet
And he lived with two guys in a loft
Where the furniture
Consisted of three mattresses
A couple of sheets hung up to make room dividers
And some sour milk in a mini-fridge
That was Diego
I loved him like a pomegranate
Like a nice juicy pomegranate
Where the juice dribbles down your chin
And you wipe it with your hand
And then you get it on your fingers
And you wipe your fingers on your bare legs
And pretty soon
All of you tastes like it
And you let it stay that way
Because it's so goddammed nice
That was the kind of guy he was
He was a steak and shrimp kinda guy
And he just stopped taking my calls
Just like Murphy
Just like Shane
Just like Connor
Cooper
Max
Dave spelled D-I-E-V-E
Just like they all do
But not you, Potato
You won't hurt me, will you?
No, of course you won't
Because I'm still a hot piece
And you're still the guy at the bar
Even the bartender doesn't like talking to
So pay your tab
Get your coat
You're coming home with me
You're going to tell me about your retirement plan
And how much you love watching ESPN
And how you want kids
And how I'm beautiful
And we're going to fall asleep together
And you're still going to be there in the morning
Yes, Potato
You're a lucky guy
You're just the kinda guy I need
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