We All Hate Him

-- Any of you sassy girls like this one? --

"We All Hate Him"

Melissa
Before you get married
We've gathered here today
To tell you
That we
As your friends
Have a very strong feeling
About this wedding

Now
We're aware that we should have brought this up
When you first asked us to be bridesmaids
Or maybe before that
When you got engaged to Ian
Or when you first started dating him
Or when you saw him at that bar
Drinking beer out of a girl's navel
And singing 'Smack My Bitch Up'
In the karaoke contest

But we just...

We just thought it better
To keep our opinions to ourselves
But now...

We just can't

Melissa
We hate him
We all hate him
We hate him so much
It's become all we talk about

We spend hours on the phone
Talking how horrible he is
My cell phone bill
Has gone through the roof
Because of how awful Ian is

Maya faked a hard pregnancy
And told she was on mandatory bed rest
She just didn't want to have to
Spend time with you and Ian
And that got her nine months
Of No-Ian time

That's why you haven't seen the baby
Or been invited to the Christening
And that's why Maya is having a hard time
Looking at you right now

Maya
This is a time of sharing
We're releasing our guilt
Look at Melissa
She can forgive you

We hope

While we're confessing
Meg's been avoiding your calls
Because Ian tries to sleep with her
Constantly
No, he doesn't flirt with her
Flirting is what you do with the guy at the deli
When you ask for extra potato salad

...Anyone?
...Anyone at all?
...Just me?
...Okay, never mind

Point being
He does more than flirt
He's humped her before
Granted
Dry humped
But still
I caught him
That's how his jeans got all wet
At Linda's son's third birthday party

I found Ian in the kitchen
Chasing Meg around the table
Nearly knocking over the Elmo cake
And I grabbed the dish washing hose
Right off the sink
And sprayed the bastard
To get him to calm down

So no
He didn't fall in the kiddie pool
The party was in February, Melissa
Where the hell did you think we were hiding a kiddie pool?
It must be nice to be oblivious
But it's time to see the light

Molly has seen him out with other girls
And no, she's not making it up
Because one of them is her mother
Apparently your slimeball
Has a thing for Mrs. Robinsons
Who would have guessed?

Oh, but condition
They have to be old and slutty
I'm sorry, Molly
But it's true
Your mother makes Lady Godiva
Look like an introvert

The point is
This wedding cannot go on
It just can't, sweetie
And that's why we're all here
In our bridesmaid dresses
Holding our bouquets
Having sucked back at least four mimosas apiece
Finally telling you the truth

We have a car waiting
It was supposed to take you to the airport
For your honeymoon
To the Football Hall of Fame

...I'm guessing that was Ian's choice...

We also have the number
Of a man who can break any bone on Ian's body
For about two hundred dollars
And you can pick the bone!

We love you, sweetie
And we may know
That you may go through with this
And ruin your life
And never speak to us again
But we were willing to burn that bridge
If it meant you would at least think twice about this

Yes, you were never the skinny one
Yes, you were never the pretty one
Yes, you were never the smart one
Or the funny one
Or the successful one
Or...okay, moving on

And yes
We know that you may feel
That putting up with Ian's bullshit
May be the trade-off you're willing to make
In order to sleep with someone
Who doesn't live with his mother
Or raise ferrets to juggle
But think of twenty years from now!

When Ian goes through a mid-life crisis
If this is him now
Imagine him trying to recapture this
All over again!

He'll toss you out
And all of your patience
And kindness
And the money you posted for bail
Will have been for nothing

So please
We're begging you
We hate him
We all hate him
And honestly
At this point

It's either him or us

...But if it's him...

We're still willing to go through with the ceremony
We did pay for the dresses after all
Plus we want to see you open our gifts...

And we don't want to leave you high and dry
And our boyfriends are friends with Ian
And they're your groomsmen

Plus Maya hates making a scene
And Meg wants to catch the bouquet
And Molly still wants to sing at the reception

But if you decide to bail
We're with you
And we'll support you
And then we can all start hanging out again

You just won't be the first one
To get married...

...Not that that's important at all...

Remember
We're here for you
For better
Or worse