The King is Dead: A Comedy

          (GEORGE and GEOFFREY are all sitting around a table in a tent on the battlefield looking at a map.  TAD bursts out, in full battle armor.  GEORGE and GEOFFREY jump up at the sight of him.)

GEORGE:  Well?

GEOFFREY:  How did it go?

TAD:  Uh...not well.

GEORGE:  What?

TAD:  Well, uh...the...King...

GEOFFREY:  Yes?

TAD:  Is dead.

GEORGE/GEOFFREY:  WHAT?/Our King?

TAD:  Yes.

          (GEORGE and GEOFFREY slowly sink into their seats.)

GEORGE:  So it's over.  We've lost the war.

TAD:  Well...not quite.

GEOFFREY:  What are you talking about?  The King is dead.

TAD:  Well, yes, the King is dead.  But we won the battle.

GEORGE:  With no King?

GEOFFREY:  How on Earth did you do that?

TAD:  We fought well?  We outnumbered them?  We were better equipped?

GEORGE:  Better equipped?

TAD:  Yes, it turns out they only had sticks and a couple of knives.

GEOFFREY:  Then how did the King die?

TAD:  Well, it was sort of funny really--

GEORGE:  Funny?

TAD:  Well not funny as in comedic, but funny as in--I can't believe we didn't realize this was going to happen.

GEOFFREY:  What are you talking about?

TAD:  You see, the King was standing in front of the army, as is his custom--

GEORGE:  Yes.

TAD:  And he made a rousing speech.

GEOFFREY:  Of course.  He isn't known as John the Inspirational Speech Giver for nothing.

TAD:  But then when the battle began, he was still right in front of everybody--

GEORGE:  Yes?

TAD:  And so he was the first to die.

     (A beat.)

GEOFFREY:  The first?

TAD:  Well, among the first.  It's hard to say really.  So many of the people in front were killed, it's difficult to figure out who exactly died first, but he was definitely in the top ten.

GEORGE:  I don't understand.

TAD:  Well, apparently, if you're in front of an army that is rushing at another army, you're much more likely to die than say--somebody in the back of the army.

GEOFFREY:  Are you saying we should have put the king in the BACK of the army?

TAD:  Well, nobody in the back died--nobody even got bruised.  By the time the back got to the front, the battle was pretty much over, so...Yes, I think the king probably should have stayed in the back.

GEORGE:  Kings do not stay in the back, Tad.  A king rides in front.

TAD:  Yes, and, I get where you're coming from with that--symbolism and whatnot--but the fact of the matter is, the entire invading army saw our king in front, and before they did anything else, they all focused their attention on murdering him.

GEOFFREY:  Why would they do such a thing?

TAD:  I would imagine it's because killing a king can be a rather big blow to the overall morale of the army you're fighting.\

GEORGE:  I'll say.

TAD:  And it was--but nevertheless, we did win.  Again, they had sticks.

GEOFFREY:  If they had sticks, how did the king die?

TAD:  Well, they were very sharp sticks.

GEORGE:  Lord in Heaven!  Do you mean to tell me our monarch was assassinated by a SHARP STICK?

TAD:  Well, more than one.  As I said, the entire opposition was focused strictly on the King for the first three minutes of the battle.  There's barely anything left of him.

GEOFFREY:  I can't bear to hear anymore.

TAD:  I managed to save one of his fingers, but aside from that--

GEORGE:  How could this have happened?  Normally the king flies right through the opposing army, taking down his foes one-by-one until the battle is finished!

TAD:  Does he?

GEORGE:  Well, he's SUPPOSED to!  This was his first battle, but--

TAD:  I think that might have been expecting too much.  Practically flinging someone at their enemies and then expecting them to not only survive but vanquish hundreds of men on top of it--I mean, the odds just aren't with you in a situation like that.

GEOFFREY:  Now what do we do?  We may have won the war, but we don't have a king!

GEORGE:  The prince will become the king.

TAD:  Uh...

     (GEORGE and GEOFFREY look at TAD.)

TAD:  ...Probably not.

GEORGE:  Why not?

TAD:  He's dead too.

GEOFFREY:  The king AND the prince?

TAD:  He was up front!  We really have to stop putting all the important people up front!

GEOFFREY:  Good heavens!

TAD:  I mean, can't we save ONE guy for the back?  The Duke of--something or other?

GEORGE:  So who's the king now?

TAD:  Well, technically, I was his second cousin.

GEOFFREY:  You?

TAD:  I know, you wouldn't think that would mean much in terms of the lines of succession, but since I was twelve rows back--

GEORGE:  So you're our new king?

TAD:  It appears so.

GEOFFREY:  Then you must avenge the death of the former king!

     (A beat.)

TAD:  I think I'll wait on that.

GEORGE:  But your majesty--

TAD:  George, sometimes it's a better idea to hang back, and see how things turn out.

     (He smiles.)

Tough Crowd

I drove here from Jersey

Jersey, I'm not kidding

All the way here

All the way to--

Where are we anyway?

God, I don't...

I'm tired

I'm not very funny when I'm tired

So...sorry for that

But I'm not going to lie to you

I'm not going to promise you something

I can't deliver on

Doesn't seem...

Just wouldn't be...uh...

At, uh, what age do you think you're too old

To go around

Wearing a white t-shirt

And jeans, and sneakers

And act like, you know, that's fine

That--That that's okay?

I wish somebody would tell me

When I'm too old

You know...like now?

I'm looking forward to things

Not now, not being here now

Sorry--I said sorry, right?

I'm looking forward to something that's going to happen later

And that's, you know, the story of my life

The thing that's going on an hour from now

A day from now, a month--

That's what interests me

On the way here I was really looking forward to being here

And now I'm here

And I need to be somewhere else

After this, when I'm done, I mean

You'll all--Well, I doubt you'll clap, but...

I'll go back to my room

Or to a diner

Have something to eat

Maybe catch a late movie

But, eventually, you know, the room

The quiet hotel room

Motel, sorry, motel

I can't--it's motels

Which is fine

It's not like I need the Four Seasons

And I'll get there

To my room

The place that--right now

I want to be at more than...anything

And I'll sit on my bed

And think about how this went

Right now

Whether or not I was...funny

I'll sit there

And beat myself up

Oh well, you know

Oh well

Next time, I'll say

Next time

Always next time

And I'm looking forward to it

To next time, I mean

I really think

It's going to be...

...Something

Whistle

You just whistle
And he'll come over
Ask you what you want

You know what you want?

Ha--I bet you do

Don't stutter though
Just say it plain
Stuttering makes them think
You're a narc
And we don't need that shit
Not today
Not any day
You got it?

How's your sister doing?

She ask about me?

Fuckin' bitch

No offense

Not like you got anything to do with it

You doing good in school?

High school's rough, I remember
That's why I only stayed there two years

I was sitting in a classroom one day
And a bullet came through the window
Got my friend Chris right in the shoulder

I said, You know what?
If I can get shot in here
I might as well get shot out on the street instead

The last thing I want to see before I die
Is some fucking chalkboard
With numbers on it

Why do you look so nervous?

You get that tic just like your sister

That's how I knew she was cheating

You know she was cheating on me, right?

She tell you that?

'Course she didn't

Fuckin' bitch

No offense

You want to get into this
You have to learn to stay still
Kids your age, these days
It's like learning how to set things on fire
Using only your mind

So jumpy

You jump, somebody's going to get the wrong idea
Just stay still
Whistle
I'll do the first one for you
Guy knows you're new at this anyway
He's giving you something special
I asked him to
Since we go back

You make sure you know the people you're dealing with
Otherwise you could get some shit that'll kill you

This is my guy
Now he's your guy
You understand?
Stick to him
Stick to me
You'll be fine

Just don't tell your sister we did this, all right?

I don't need her calling me up about it

This'll just be between you and me, okay?

You know, doing this shit isn't what makes you a man

Keeping a secret?

That's what does it

That's what grows you up

You Might Not Be a Dentist

Krorg, before we begin
I just have to ask
Do you have any actual experience
As a dentist?

Well, yes, you did a nice job
Extracting that mammoth's tooth
But the mammoth was already dead at the time

So there's really no way to know
If he suffered
While you were stabbing him in the gums
With your sharpened stick

Also, my mouth is much smaller than that mammoth's
So stabbing me in the gums
Using the same sharp stick you used on him--

--An axe, I might add, that hasn't been cleaned
Since it was used on the mammoth--

--Well, it seems sort of...illogical

Now, Krorg, don't pout
Of course I'm very grateful to you
For offering to help me
With my tooth

But it seems to me that, and I know you're touchy about this, so I didn't want to--

Well, the thing is, Krorg

You might not be a dentist

Now, we only invented the word 'dentist'
A few weeks ago
After you got the tooth out of the mammoth
But since then
You've attempted to pull teeth out of several people
And they've all wound up with holes in their faces
And rather serious infections

Blepp probably would have died from his
If he hadn't been eaten by Little Hands

Yes, it was funny...

(Imitates a tyrannosaurus eating a man, then laughs and laughs.)

...But the point is, I'm not entirely comfortable letting you near my mouth

I know you have a passion for this, Krorg
But passion doesn't necessarily make you good at something

Remember when Scrumph wanted to be the Main Storyteller in the tribe
But she was really terrible at it
But she was Sploog's daughter
So we had to let her be Main Storyteller
Because Sploog donated all the Sabretooth blood
To have the cave repainted?

Scrumph loooooved being storyteller
But it just wasn't a good....fit....for her

Just like this might not be a good fit for you
And, whereas bad storytelling really only hurts the soul,
Bad dentistry can do far more damage

We're a civilized tribe now, Krorg
No more wars, no more unjustified murder
We've started eating kale
It's time to adopt more practical, uh, practices
When it comes to this sort of thing

So if it's all right with you
I'm going to let the tribal doctor
Take care of my tooth
And--once you get more training...on other people...

...Dead people...

We can talk about making you an official dentist

All right?

Krorg, I knew you'd understand
And so did Dr. Foosh

He's already got a plan for how to get my tooth out
Apparently it's very easy

You just drill a hole through the back of the person's skull
And pull the tooth out that way

Quick and painless
As long as the patient's head is covered in swamp mud
And bird droppings

You see, Krorg?

That's why we leave these things to the professionals

It Won't Look Like This Tomorrow

Here we are, East Tower
Don't mind the screams of the prisoners, son
Pretend they're songbirds
With beautiful voices

And that when they curse me and you to Hell
They're really just saying 'My, what a lovely day it is'
In they're sing-song-y bird voice

I wanted to bring you up here
Because you get the best view of the kingdom
Up here in the East Tower

Tomorrow, we go into battle, my son
And so everything laid out in front of you
Will be irreparably changed
One way or another
Win or lose

Especially if we lose

The invading army has been known to burn down
The kingdom of their enemies
If they lose in battle

And they dress up the men they defeat
In the silliest costumes

It's not what I wanted for you, son

To inherit a burnt down kingdom
While dressed as a bar wench

What a nice little kingdom

It may not be as grand as some of the others
But where else can you get shephard's pie
In a sugar-crusted cone?

I like to think that I've been a benevolent King
Kind, jolly, very slow to imprison the mentally ill
Even though I believe they've been touched by the Devil

I thought I had carved out my place in the record books
But since the record books are in the library
And since we made the mistake of building the library
In front of the gates to the kingdom
Instead of behind them
As almost nearly every one of our architects suggested
Before I had them jailed
The building and the records will most likely be the first thing
The Invaders destroy

I suppose building it with straw isn't going to help matters either

Hindsight, my son
Is a bitter whore
With an infected eardrum

Speaking of which--did you like your fourteenth birthday present?

It's customary to wait until a boy turns fifteen
Before you give him his first whore
But since you may not make it to fifteen
I figured why not

Perhaps we'll win tomorrow's war

Even though I sold off the army's weapons
So I could build that statue of myself
Riding naked upon a unicorn

We are, after all, a god-fearing people
And God protects those
Who build shrines to themselves

At least, that's how I interpret scripture

It's difficult to read Latin
When all the monks starved to death
During the famine

But if we do win, I shall not be the same man
And you shall not be the same boy

I would hope that we'd still be related
But who can say?

The world looks different
When it's been kissed by the lips of war

By the way, you didn't kiss the whore, did you?
If you kiss them
The Lord makes you sit in Purgatory
For an extra year before you can enter Heaven

Come here, son
And gaze at all before you

The statue of me
The buildings dedicated to me
The many, many children
Whom I probably sired
During my dalliances with the peasant women

Take it all in, my lad

For most certainly
It won't look like this tomorrow

Angels with Other Ideas

I promised the kids milkshakes
But that was before
It started to rain

Now they're sitting in the car
Lucky for me
They like the windshield wipers
They're funny kids

I guess all kids are...

But mine are...

Finally found a pay phone
Only took me driving all over the state

But the kids behaved
Even when I had to get gas twice
All because of the milkshakes
Isn't that something?

...I heard your song on the radio the other day...

I stopped
I pulled over
So I could listen

I love that song

I combed my hair today
The way you like it
I even put on lipstick
Even though I was just going to work

I sat there at the restaurant
With my uniform on
And it was like...I couldn't focus on anything

So I said I was sick
And I left early

Picked the kids up at my Mom's
And then...

Just drove around, you know?

I wanted to call you
I always want to call you
But sometimes, you know
It's hard to get away

Two kids
Always next to you
Always looking at you
Wondering what you're doing
Asking when their Dad's coming home
And he's...

God, he's at that autoshop night and day

And what can I tell the kids?
That he can stay there
Because I don't want him home anyway?

I gave up smoking
...For about five seconds
Then I started again

Smoking out of my bathroom window
With the door closed
And the shower running
So my kids won't know

I don't mind it
Makes me feel like a teenager

Takes a lot to make me feel that way lately

Your music helps though
It does

...It does a lot, you know, it...

Well, this call's gonna run out
And I gotta get the kids their milkshakes so...

You know, maybe sometime
When they're older
All they'll remember about today is that
They rode around with their mom
And got milkshakes
And they won't even know, you know
How upset I am
How...

How frustrated that I...

It's going to be two different things

What it was
And what they remember

They're lucky, aren't they?

That they're never going to know

There's a lotta things
I'd like to not know

Well...

Maybe I'll hear from you soon, huh?

Wouldn't mind
Hearing the phone ring
On my end for a change

You know

If you get the chance

A Visitor from Pittsburgh

He drinks bottled water
I've never seen anything like it

I mean, I don't begrudge him
His little...quirks

But Jesus, God
Who asks for bottle water
At someone else's house?

I would never, I just...

God, I'd be mortified

Bottled water?

Ha!

But he's from Pittsburgh

Now, I don't know anything about Pittsburgh
But I know it's not exactly the epicenter of etiquette

I try to help
I try to...steer him towards some sense of...
Decorum?  But--

No use, no luck

What will be will be

I even left a few of my columns on the dresser
In the guest room
Hoping he'd see them
But no, or if he does--
He doesn't read them
Or if he reads them
He just doesn't care

He's a brute, really
If you want the truth
A strange sort of brute though
One who drinks bottled water

He does his hair properly
He wears nice clothes
His nails are trimmed
But there's something about him, that's just...

Ha!

Listen to me...

He's an old friend of George's
Just...an old college buddy

I expected some frat boy to show up
Dirt on his collar
Mud on his shoes
Cursing and drinking
And overall rough-housing

But no...

Odd, yes
Cold, very
Even rude sometimes
And all these...quirks

But studious and neat and, uh...
Not what I expected
At all

...I'm really not sure how things are in Pittsburgh
But if our visitor is any indication then...

It would seem that the men there are...

Very...unique

I want to write an article about it
But George says it would be impolite
And he's correct
For once, he's accurate in pointing out
That something is...not appropriate

Of course, he's also the one
Who told me we'd be having a visitor
A mere six hours before the visitor showed up

That's George for you
More considerate of a friend he hasn't seen in years
Than he is of...

So I wrote a column about wedding invitations instead
How to respond to one
How to decline without offending anyone
How to say that you're going alone
When the person sending you the invitation
Thought they'd be seeing two of you
You and your better half

Oh well, he's sick
Oh well, he's tired
Oh well, he's been working so much

I had quite a lot to say on the subject

George, uh...

Well, enough about George

...Hm...

No, I, uh...Well...

The other day, when George and our visitor left to go play pool
--So early in the day for pool, but--
I went into the guest room, and...
The bed was undone
The maid hadn't gotten around to it yet
She was still down in the kitchen
Cleaning up from breakfast
And, I, uh...

I got in bed
The empty bed
Oh, I love that bed in the guest room
So many blankets
It covers you right up
So, it wasn't very strange of me to do, but...

The smell of him

Of our visitor

Was there

It was...pungent, really

Very strong

Cologne, and...something else, something...

I laid there and I thought...

What if I went downstairs
Sent the maid home
Then came back to the bedroom
Got into bed, and...waited...

For George, and...the vistor

Waited for them to come home
And find me there
In bed
All covered up

What would happen next, I wondered
What would be the next thing?

What do three people do in that sort of a...situation?

I couldn't...

I couldn't solve it, that idea, that problem
Of, uh, circumstance--in my mind

So I just laid there
Thinking about getting up
And thinking about not getting up
And not doing either

But just trying to imagine
What it is
I should do next

Something to Say for Yourself

You know, the problem is
Nobody says--

'What do you have to say for yourself?'

You know, that--

That used to be an expression?

'What do you have to say for yourself?'

You know, I see all that's going on in the world
And I think you can trace all of it
Everything that's happening
Back to the fact
That nobody says--

'What do you have to say for yourself?'

The, uh--I mean, pardon my, uh--
But--The shit people get away with these days

Lying, and--

No, see--getting away with is--

The wrong, uh--way to put it, because--

Nobody's getting away with anything

We have reached a point in, uh, civilization where--

We're really good
At catching people
Doing--whatever it is
They shouldn't be doing
And yet--nobody's
Actually
Getting in trouble
For anything

You know, we--catch somebody
Lying
Cheating
Stealing

And--that's it

They apologize
Or they deny it
And we all--move on

Nobody loses their job
Nobody goes to jail
Nobody even seems embarrassed
Nobody
Seems to have the decency
To even...feel
Embarrassed
About anything

Hell, they...go on the news
And announce what they've done wrong
And then announce that they'll be running for office
Starting next week
But--

You know, it's not just politicians
We like to think that
That they're the problem
But, you know, politicians don't elect themselves

And--

Uh...

Well...

I'm only...

I know you're mad that you're sitting here
Grounded
Nobody grounds their kids anymore
Hell, my parents didn't even ground me
To be totally upfront with you, but...

I believe this is important

Not you sitting here
This is just...
The best I could do
In terms of punishment

I could always just slap you upside the head
And be done with it
But if your head is as thick as mine
When I was your age
I doubt it'll do much good

I want you to reflect
I want you to feel bad
I want you to...

And ultimately it might be pointless
Because I believe that a conscience is something
That only kicks in
After your parents have done a good job raising you
So this might all be for nothing
If I...started too late, or...

...You know, when you came to me

And told me what you did
I...

It's ridiculous, but...

You'll understand this
When you have children

There's a certain pride that comes
From having your child
Confess to you

It means that seed of a conscience is there
That it's...present
That you're on the right track

So even though, I sent you to your room
And even though I don't condone what you did
And even though I'm currently thinking up a suitable punishment
In addition to all this--uh, room-sitting
Because, let's face it, it's a really nice room
This isn't all that much of a punishment

Which means you might have to, I don't know
Rake something or mow something
Or...something uncomfortably charitable

But the point--there is a point, the point is...

You did the right thing

You came to me
And you said 'I did something wrong
And I'm sorry'

You had something to say for yourself
Which is...
A lot more than a lot of people have these days

And, you know, one day
I...won't be there
To...confess to
So that when you do something wrong
You're going to have to sit in a room
By yourself
A room just like this one
And think
About what you did
And what you're going to have to say
About what you did

And that's going to have to be enough

I always want you
To have something to say
For who you are
For what you've done
And for what you stand for

So...you might be mad at me now
And that's okay

But I want you to know that
Every time I make you sit in this room
By yourself

I'm sitting right outside that door
In case you need me, or...

Just waiting

Waiting until you're ready
To come out

So I can hear
What you have to say

Beautiful Houses in Bad Neighborhoods

Spent all your money, didn't you?

On a beautiful house
In a bad neighborhood

So what--you could be King of the Pond?

Should have bought a pond
You bought everything else

A pool, a deck, a shed
What--you thought I wasn't going to say anything
You been gone too long
You forgot too much

Damn...

You know I like this

Drinking a beer
On your porch

You got a porch now

We never had porches
Where we grew up
Nobody did

Remember when your cousin
Got the apartment that had the patio
And we teased her for a month
Because we thought she was going to be a snob about it?

A snob about a patio
And now look

A porch

You could even barbecue if you wanted to

What's next, huh?

A hot tub?
A popcorn machine?
An ice skating rink?
I mean, where does it end, huh?

No, it's cool
I mean--

...I'm happy for you

I am and I'm not, you know

But I am
There's a part of me that...
I am, and the other part...

Well, you can't have everything, right?

We're still drinking cheap wine out of red cups
So I guess you didn't move too far
From the Target, huh?

I knew eventually you'd be on your way somewhere

All of us at parties
Dancing, acting stupid
And you'd be the one in the corner
Keeping to yourself
Making plans
Thinking everything over

Watching us
Probably thinking of how much better
You were going to be

My mom used to say
Keep an eye on that one
The ones who sit by themselves
They end up making millions

And now here you are

Sitting on a porch

Hey, at least I got an invite, right?

Not like I had to go far

Listen, I don't want to tell you what's what
Because clearly you're doing better than me, but--

I mean, this place is nice and all
But it's still not far from where you took off from
You know what I mean?

A pretty house
Surrounded by--

Ha...it's like the flower in the weeds, you know?

So what I'm saying is--

Don't settle for this, okay?

It's all right for grillin' burgers
And havin' your friends over
Drinking or whatever
But just...

Don't stop here

You got a lot more in you than this

You got a penthouse in you, if you want it
A mansion even

This is just the pond, all right?
The lake, the puddle
The pool

And it's nice, but--

Keep going

You got me?

Don't stop until you turn around
And you can't even see the shit
You left behind you

Then you'll know you're somebody

When you can't see me
At all

Leaving Rhode Island: You Wouldn't Even Recognize Me

Five years ago, I left

I got the letter
I looked at the letter
Annnnnnnd
I left

No dramatics
No...no nothing, really
I just took off

I went a bunch of places
A lot of music festivals
Listening to bands that broke up
Halfway through their set
In the middle of a barn
In the middle of--
God, I don't even know where I was

Not important though

What's important is...

Five years later
I get another letter
Saying 'Come back'

And I go back, because...

Because there were things that--

I mean, as you can see
I'm a young guy, but--

No matter how young you are
You can have unfinished business

There were, uh...

People who...overlooked me
Who...didn't think too much of me
Who...

The thing about attention is
That everybody wants to--

God, why am I going off on this--

Okay, because--Well--

It makes me mad
Honestly
It makes me
Really mad
That--

You know, we don't think of attention
As something that needs to be reciprocated
But--I'm someone who--paid so much attention
Just--so much of my life
Paying attention
To other people
With nobody
Nobody at all
Even thinking about
Paying some of that attention
Back to me

And...

I come back

I come back knowing that--

Things have changed
I've changed
I...

I want to believe I have anyway
I think...
I think that everybody would want to believe that...

No matter who you were five years ago that...

That you've improved
That you're...better
In some way

You want to come back to...
Where you're from
And have people go--

'Wow, look at you,' you know?

So I came back and...

Nobody recognized me

Uh, which--is not the same thing as--

'Wow, look at you'

There's sort of this...abandoned feeling of...

There is no new you
There's just...this person
Who you've become
That eclipsed the old person
And you didn't even...

You didn't even know it was happening

Crazy, really crazy

So many...

You know, so many crazy things

To return
And find out
It's got nothing to do
With the people you're going back to

It's about
The person you left behind

The person you used to be

Five years

God

Where did that go, you know?

Where did it all
Go?

I'll Never Break Your Heart

Okay, well, just so you know
My wife has never heard this story
So, I could potentially get into trouble
For telling it to you

Just please appreciate
The predicament you're putting me in

It was September, 1998
And I had a crush
On my best friend's sister
Who was two years older than me

And, of course, she wasn't having any of it

I was younger
I was dorkier
She liked bad boys
I was on Math League
It was...not gonna happen

But I made it pretty clear to her that I'd LIKE it to happen
And she just, as nicely as possible, shot me down over and over again
It should have been humiliating and it was, but--

Remember when you were young
And you could be totally mortified about something you did
And then get over it a day later
And do the exact same thing again?

Or was that just me?

Okay, so--one night
My parents are going out
And even though I'm fourteen
My parents don't want me staying in the house by myself
So they say they're getting me a babysitter

...And guess who they got?

Oh yeah, I was--I begged them

I said, 'Just take me with you to the Elk's Lodge, or wherever
I'd rather do that then let the love of my life
BABY-SIT me'

But, there was no getting around it
My buddy's sister was the only teenage girl in the neighborhood
So that's who was watching me

I called him, my friend, just before she came over
He was totally for us getting together
Because that way we'd be sort of related

'You have the whole to win her over,' he said
'Just tell her you like the same things she likes'

'What does she like?'
'Um, boys.  She really likes boys.'


It wasn't exactly a secret weapon

She came over
We ordered pizza
We watched some movie
I'm sure it was scary
I'm no idiot
I know if you like a girl
And she's over your house
You put on a scary movie
You turn down the lights
And you hope for the best

Of course, she was the perfect gentleman
And I was a horny teenage boy

I sat next to her on the couch
And she moved to the other side

When the movie was over
I asked her if she wanted to go for a late night stroll
I used that term 'late night stroll'
I was a very weird young man
And she, very nicely, said no thanks

So...we talked

We just talked

I left the tv on
MTV, to be exact
And--and this is the part the younger people in the crowd may not believe?

A video came on

A music video

It was 'I'll Never Break Your Heart'
The Backstreet Boys

And something...changed in that girl

As soon as AJ took off his glasses
She was--cuddling up to me on the couch
Giggling at my stupid jokes
Actually...touching me

Nowhere bad, just...

We made out

We made out and it was...

You know, you get older
And you start reminiscing about the bands you liked
When you were younger
And guys my age, we say--

I don't know--Limp Bizkit or Marilyn Manson or someone either hardcore or really weird, but--

I don't even try to pretend I'm cool

It didn't work for me back then
It doesn't work for me now
And even though that was the one
And only time
I ever made out with that girl

--My parents came home, my dad drove her home, and...that was it, honestly--if my wife asks you?  Honestly--

But--despite how many cool points I lose when I say it

The Backstreet Boys
'I'll Never Break Your Heart'

That's the one

That's the one that'll always be...

(Taps heart.)

Right there

Angel of Mine

So the story of the song is...

Well, okay, give me a little leeway here
Because, I mean, I was fourteen
Annnnnnd when you're fourteen
And a love song comes out
That's that popular
You're going to have...

I mean, I'm just saying
It's not the deepest song in the world
And I recognize that, but...

Ha!--Okay, sorry, so...

I was at the Sadie Hawkins Dance
...By myself

Let that, you know, sink in for a second

Like, I could have asked any boy
But I was too nervous to ask anybody
But I still wanted to go
Because, you know, it's a dance
Dances are fun
I'm a freshman in high school
Everything is fun

So instead, what I did was, I went to the dance
And I just hung out, and when people would ask me
Who my date was
I'd say 'Michael'
And then motion towards the bathroom
As if, like, Michael was in the bathroom

And the whole school was at this dance
So, I think people just thought--

Oh, okay, Michael
That makes sense
Have fun, Tara

At least, that's what I was hoping
They were thinking
When in reality
They were probably totally aware
That I was there alone
Because everybody knows exactly
Who's going to the dance with who--

But ANYWAY

I'm at the dance

And 'Angel of Mine' by Monica comes on

And, you know, a part of me had known
That this was going to be the worst moment of the night
The moment when the slow song comes on
And they dim the lights
And everybody couples up
And there I am, by myself
Up against the wall
Typical loser

SO--my plan was to duck into the girls bathroom
And just wait the song out
Until 'Tubthumping' came on
When I feel this tapping on my shoulder

So I turn around
And there's this absolutely BEAUTIFUL boy
Just standing there

I mean, like, somebody who belonged in a magazine
Like, a good magazine too
Not like Time

And I go--Uh, hi--Because I didn't recognize him
But I mean, I was a freshman
There were tons of people at my school
I didn't know
So I say--mouth hanging out, because, again, GORGEOUS

'Um, hi?'

And he says 'Soooo are we gonna dance?'

And I'm like 'We're, uh, who?'

Because, you know, eloquence
My strong suit

And he says 'Dance'
Like he's trying to teach me the word

And I say, 'I'm sorry, who are you?'

And he says, 'I'm Michael'

...And I say 'OHMYGODAREYOUKIDDING?'

No, not really
I don't say that
Sorry

I just, you know, go onto the dance floor with him
Annnnd we dance
And people look at us
And it's Ah-mazing
And then the song is over
And he says 'Thanks.  That was nice'
And he walks away

And for the rest of high school
Like, all four years
I go around asking everybody
Who
That
Guy
Was

Nobody knew him
Nobody had heard of him
People SAW him
I mean, I wasn't the only one
It's not that kind of thing
He wasn't in my head, I mean
But--I guess he could have been from another school or something
Maybe he snuck in
But...how would he have known about the 'Michael' thing?

Unless his name really was Michael
I mean, it's a common name
That's why I picked it, but...

...The story, I mean, if you want the story of the song
My story of it, anyway
Is that...

That...ha, oh god, this is...

That was...the most romantic moment
Of my life

I mean, don't get me wrong
My wedding was lovely, but--

A beautiful boy just appearing out of thin air
So we could dance
To THE most powerful love song
Ever, of all time?

How could it ever get better than that?

God...

1998 was such a good year

Leaving Rhode Island: A Letter from Mom

Dear Connie, Carl, Karen, and…Oh God, what’s the other one’s name…Uh…

--Sweetheart

This is Mom

Most people tell you that

At the end of the letter

But I might as well tell you now

As you’ve probably heard

I don’t plan on returning

From Hawaii

I’ve met a man named Rick

And we are in love

Well…maybe love is too strong a word

I enjoy him

He’s young

And funny

And he has terrible eyesight

So he thinks I’m twenty-four

That was a joke

You probably can’t tell

Without hearing the inflection

In my voice

Rick is a surfer

And he’s been teaching me to surf

I’ve been doing pretty well

If you consider ‘not dying’

Doing well

I knew you wouldn’t approve of my new relationship

Which is why I didn’t tell you when Rick proposed to me

And I accepted

I’m having Karen tell you

Because she’s always been the most level-headed one

And also, the most medicated out of the four of you

By the time you read this letter

I’ll already be married

I’m sorry none of you could attend the wedding

But I was worried one or more of you

Might object

I understand why you might think I’ve lost my mind

Anytime somebody over the age of forty starts over

Their kids think they’re insane

Because young people think they’re the only ones

Who are entitled to recklessness

I know you’d like me to come back to Rhode Island

But I’m afraid that’s not going to happen

I had my Rhode Island life

It was lovely

It was long

And I feel lucky to have had it

But now I have a new life

And I like it

I like it very much

When your father died

I thought that was it for me

It was going to be nothing but trips to the supermarket

And bingo

And old movies on tv

Then I was exiled

And suddenly I had to come alive again

I had to figure things out

And solve problems

And be a participant in the world

Was I happy about it?

Of course not

But I had no choice

I had to wake up

And now I’m awake

And I’m grabbing life

And Rick’s grabbing me

And things are wonderful

You should never be the last person at the party

Not even when you’re the one throwing it

I love you all very much

Connie, and Carl, and Karen, and…

…You

I hope you can be happy for me

Because I’m so happy for me

Love, Mom

P.S.  Rick says you can wait a few weeks before you start calling him Dad

Leaving Rhode Island: July 4th

India Point Park

Fourth of July

It’s, uh, nice

I’d come back for that

Not just the food trucks

Or the symphony

Every city has those, but—

Something about all those people on the hill

It…

Well, it’s Rhode Island

So anytime you have that many people

All, you know, gathered together in one place

It’s like—

You bump into this person

You bump into that one

You see an ex-girlfriend

An ex-boyfriend, a few ex-spouses

Distant relatives

Long lost friends

High school classmates

The kid who sold you pot senior year

The girl who went on one amazing date with you

And then never called you again

Your whole life

Could fit up on that hill

At least—

It feels that way sometimes

That it’s so…compressable

You stand at the bottom of the hill

You hold your hand out

And you can fit a whole state in the palm of your hand

Just like Neil Armstrong and the moon

There’s something so comforting about that

I mean, we’re small

We’re the smallest state

We’re…so tiny, but—

I mean, who isn’t—

In the grand scheme of the Universe, you know?

All those people

Up on that hill

That…

That’s something

I’d come back for

Leaving Rhode Island: Walla Walla

I was too young to have a baby

But…oh well

I got the exile letter

And I was so devastated

But then…

There was this…uh, let’s call her a co-worker

She had a baby

A baby she didn’t want

And I…offered to help

She gave me the baby

And I took off for Walla Walla

You wanna know why?

Because they mention it in Looney Tunes

And I never thought it was a real place

And it is, so I went there

I wanted to live in the place from Looney Tunes

And I wanted to be like Diane Keaton in Baby Boom

With my own line of baby food

Shopping at Farmers Markets

Using only cloth diapers

Needless to say, that went out of the window pretty fast

The baby starts to cry

And pee herself at the same time

And pretty soon you’re buying diapers by the bulk

And going through the drive-thru at McDonald’s

Because the Farmers Market is from eight to noon

And you look like an extra from The Walking Dead

Until five o’clock—if you’re lucky

And you don’t get out much

It’s just you and the baby

And…then a few years go by

And you can’t imagine living any other way

I live in a fictitious city

I mean, it’s real and yet—

It’s sort of not real

I have a child

Who is not mine

And my life…is nothing I could have had in Rhode Island

Sometimes you have to throw yourself

Into insanity

Into sheer…unbelievability, or whatever

In order to have a life you couldn’t ever dream of

It can be...upsetting

To wake up one day

And say—Well, this really isn’t what I wanted

Unless you wake up

And see a little girl

You never thought you’d have

Then, maybe it isn’t what you thought it would be, but…

It’s also more than you ever thought was possible, so…

Ha, um…I’m sorry

I’m not an eloquent woman

But I’m a damn good mom

I know, right?

Who would have thought?

Leaving Rhode Island: Rehearsal

         (A rehearsal hall.  WILL and LAUREN.)

LAUREN:  He’s going to let her come back.

WILL:  No, he’s not.

LAUREN:  Please, I went through this at the Orpheus.  I know what’s going to happen.

WILL:  The Orpheus was a shithole.  This is a real theater.  Jessica couldn’t act her way out of a…a…

LAUREN:  You know, it scares me that you’re a playwright.

WILL:  She’s not coming back.

LAUREN:  What makes you so sure?  I mean, they let her stay in the company for two years before the exile.  Now that she doesn’t have to stay out of the state anymore, what makes you think she won’t come right back?

WILL:  She hasn’t been working.  That’s proof.  That’s proof that she’s terrible and that Evan just cast her because he wanted to sleep with her.  I mean, even a mildly terrible actress can find work somewhere in five years.  The fact that she couldn’t--?

LAUREN:  It won’t matter.  Evan’s still here and he’s still a sexual deviant.  She’s going to come waltzing right back into this theater.  Watch.  We’re going to see Jessica come waltzing through that door any minute now.

WILL:  This is why straight men should never run theaters.  Straight men should stick to fixing clogged pipes and butchering ham.  They know nothing about art.

LAUREN:  Wait, are you not straight?

WILL:  I’m undecided.

LAUREN:  Since when?

WILL:  Five years of dating actresses, Lauren, it would turn any man gay.

LAUREN:  But you and I—

WILL:  No, you were great.  You were one of the great ones.  I love that thing you do with your hair.  It’s a great finale.

LAUREN:  So you’ve…with boys?

WILL:  This one guy when I was in Italy, but that’s it.  The ass on him—

LAUREN:  Ew.

WILL:  And he used to wear this little bathing suit—

LAUREN:  Please—enough.

WILL:  Too bad I couldn’t crack, Evan.  Maybe then he’d finally get around to producing some I’ve written.

LAUREN:  He sees you as an actor.  That’s the problem.

WILL:  I’ve been here since the exile.  Five years and I’m still playing dumb roles in dumb plays and that’s not what—

LAUREN:  You can get your work done anywhere.

WILL:  At the Orpheus they let me be an actor and a writer.

LAUREN:  The Orpheus is gone.  I managed to get you here—we’re survivors, Will.  And that’s not a noble thing.  That just means you’re lucky.  We’re both lucky.

WILL:  And so what?  Now the exile is over and you think we’re less lucky?

LAUREN:  She’s not that much different from me.  There are only so many types of people in this world.  We like to think we’re all like snowflakes, but the truth is, when it comes to actresses, you can go with Person A just as easily as you can go with Person B.

WILL:  So sleep with Evan.

LAUREN:  Will!

WILL:  Oh, you women with your ‘What?  Sleep with my Boss?  Hashtag feminism!’  Give me a break.  You think men wouldn’t need to sleep their way to the top if you girls were in charge.  My first three bosses were women and I slept with all of them.  It’s not a girl thing or a boy thing, it’s a career thing.  Don’t make sex this precious thing you only do with your boyfriend.  Learn to wield it like a sword.  It’s theater, for godsakes, you shouldn’t be ready to sleep with or sword fight anybody at a moment’s notice.

LAUREN:  I am not sleeping with Evan.

WILL:  Then you’re probably going to get removed from the company.

LAUREN:  Will!

WILL:  Don’t tell me you’re not willing to do whatever it takes to get what you want and then expect me to feel bad for you when you don’t get it.

LAUREN:  When did you suddenly become so hostile?

WILL:  Lauren, we barely know each other.  We go to rehearsals together, we do shows together, yes we slept together, but other than that, we’re practically strangers.  We have this one thing we love that connects us, but other than that—

LAUREN:  And the kid.

         (A beat.)

WILL:  The—a what?

LAUREN:  The kid.  The five-year-old…kid.

WILL:  You’re joking.

LAUREN:  I’m not.  Apparently you were wielding that sword a little too vigorously.

WILL:  Why…I don’t…

LAUREN:  Because—ready for all this feminism?—I wanted a career.  Here.  So…I took care of it.

WILL:  What did you?

LAUREN:  I took…uh…you’re not going to believe me.

WILL:  I already don’t believe you.

LAUREN:  She wanted a kid.  I didn’t.

WILL:  Who did?

LAUREN:  Jessica.

         (A beat.)

WILL:  You…You gave birth to our child…and then handed it over…to that HORRIBLE actress?

         (A beat.)

LAUREN:  Yes.

WILL:  No wonder you don’t want her coming back.

LAUREN:  I’m sorry to tell you this way.

WILL:  Why would you give her to Jessica?

LAUREN:  Who else was I going to give her to?  My mother?  She would have grown up watching Nancy Grace and wearing American flag jorts.

WILL:  Did you ever think about—

LAUREN:  God, I thought about everything.  But like you said—we’re practically strangers.  You’re just some guy I do shows with.  Some random guy I’ve spent hours upon hours of my life with and apparently that means nothing.

WILL:  Lauren—

LAUREN:  Apparently life only begins when you leave work or rehearsal or a vacation or a club—apparently life happens for three hours everyday when you’re sitting at home thinking about all the time you spent that day doing everything but living.

WILL:  I—

LAUREN:  You were my life.  All those years ago—you were…not so much after I…Oh for godsake’s Will, I got fat and then disappeared for two months.

WILL:  You said you were doing summer stock in Mississippi!

LAUREN:  THEY DON’T HAVE THEATER IN MISSISSIPPI, WILL!

         (A beat.)

WILL:  If she comes back…

LAUREN:  Maybe she won’t.

WILL:  But if she wants to work…this is where she got work and—

LAUREN:  Evan doesn’t like having single mothers at his theater.

WILL:  How would you—

LAUREN:  He told me so.  When I told him I was pregnant, he said, I don’t like having single mothers at my theater.  Too many…complications.

         (A beat.)

WILL:  Wow.

LAUREN:  See, you didn’t make the decision for me—he did.

WILL:  I’m so sorry.

LAUREN:  Oh God, Will.  Don’t be sorry.  Please.  Be anything but sorry.

WILL:  I…I don’t know how we can just…keep going now.

LAUREN:  Don’t be ridiculous, Will.  If there’s one thing we all agree to, it’s that the show goes on.  No matter what.

         (Lights.)