A Bigger Ring
(JEFF and CLAIRE are seated at a café.)
JEFF
So you
don’t want to marry me?
CLAIRE
No, I do
want to marry you! I really
do. I’m just…going to need a
bigger ring.
JEFF
I’m so
offended right now.
CLAIRE
Jeff, it’s
not your fault. You’ve never
bought a ring before—it’s no wonder you’re terrible at it.
JEFF
It’s just a
ring, Claire.
CLAIRE
Jeff, it’s
not just a ring. It’s something I
have to post pictures of online in order to make people jealous.
JEFF
I’m not
buying you a bigger ring, Claire.
CLAIRE
(Laughs.)
No, you
don’t understand. I need you to buy me a bigger ring.
JEFF
No. I love you, and I’d do anything for
you, but I will stick my hand up a warthog’s ass before I will buy you a bigger
ring.
CLAIRE
Is it a
money thing? I’ll loan you the
money!
JEFF
It’s not
about the money. It’s about the
principle of the thing.
CLAIRE
I’ll loan
you the principle! Wait, no, I
guess I can’t do that.
JEFF
If you want
to marry me, you’re going to have to marry me with the ring I gave you.
CLAIRE
Okay, can I
post a photo of another ring and tell
people it’s the ring you gave me?
JEFF
No!
CLAIRE
Jeff, you
know I love you more than anybody else on the planet so I’m going to try and
say this in a way that doesn’t’ hurt your feelings: That ring looks like it came out of a Happy Meal and looking
at it makes me sad.
JEFF
Fine. We’re not engaged. I’m going to go jump off a cliff.
CLAIRE
No! I’m sorry. I am—I…forget it.
It’s a perfectly nice ring, and I…I can’t believe I asked you to get a
new one. That was…really
insensitive of me.
JEFF
Thank you.
(He takes a
small box out of his pocket and puts it down on the table in front of her.)
CLAIRE
What’s
that?
JEFF
A much
nicer ring. Next time give me more
credit.
(CLAIRE squeals with joy and hugs him. Lights.)
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