Welcome to Your Divorce

Hello and welcome

To your divorce

We here at Badlen Industries

Seek to make this digital separation

As quick and painless as possible

And fair

Since a computer program

Will be determining

What you and your about-to-be former spouse

Will be receiving once your marriage has been dissolved

We’ve already had the opportunity to look over the forms you submitted

And go through the checklist you filled out

Helping us to come to a few conclusions

About how best to delegate your assets

First off, we’ve calculated the amount of fault

And have found that both of you are equally at fault

For the disaster that is your marriage

So—Congratulations!

You were not more at fault

Than your spouse

And that makes our job

A lot easier

Secondly, we detect that both of you

Truly are terrible people

Which means our decisions can be made

Without any concern for whether or not

We’re harming an innocent person

Since both of you are just awful

We’ve taken all your assets

And donated them to charity

This will leave you bankrupt and destitute

But we feel there should be consequences

For entering into a marriage you knew wasn’t going to work

After such a short amount of time together

We—and by we, I mean, the computer program

--Feel that some time on the cold, cold streets

Will be good for the both of you

Or, at the very least, it’ll make you think twice

Before doing anything like this again

We’ve given your pets to a nice happy family to raise

We’ve burned your house to the ground

And hired a priest to do an exorcism over the land

Since we feel there must now be some sort of demonic spirit residing there

After the two of you lived there for so long

We’ve contacted each of the people you’ve slept with

While the two of you were married

And let them know that they’ve probably been exposed

To any number of sexually transmitted diseases

We’ve also given them the names of several wonderful lawyers

So they can sue you for emotional distress

Oh, and we let both your mothers know that they were right

Our program shows that they were right about everything

And, as you can imagine, they were very happy to hear that

Finally, we’d like to thank you for choosing Badlen Industries

The Number One Divorce Software in America

And we hope that we can handle all the future divorces we’re sure you’ll have

Because we can’t imagine you making a marriage work with anyone

We would, however, like to link you to our new matchmaking website

In the event that you’d like to give our thirty-day free trial a go