A Place to Put Your Dead

Bet four hundred

Go up, go up

Put the card up, Ron

I’m not cremating her

I told you, I’m not cremating her

She didn’t want to be cremated

She wanted to be buried

Go four hundred

…Go four fifty

Ron, shut the fuck up

And go four fifty

Otherwise what do we do?

You want me to dig a hole in the backyard?

I’ll dig a hole in the backyard

I think we have about two feet left

So we’re going to have to bury Mom standing up

Or do you want me to dig up one of our other relatives

And cremate them?

These are our choices, Ron

Now shut the fuck up

And go four—

Five!

Five hundred!

I don’t care

I don’t care, Ron

We’ll figure out the mortgage

We’ll figure it out some other way

We can’t cremate her

She’d never—

Well, this is how much a cemetery plot costs now, okay?

It’s simple math

It’s 2238, and with that many people in the world being buried

There isn’t any more room in cemeteries

That isn’t going for top dollar

So if you want to bury somebody

You have to pay up

Six fifty!

I’m not fucking around here, Ron

We’re burying her

We are burying Mom

One way or the other

These assholes want to bury their mothers

They’re gonna have to open a vein

Because my mother is not getting cremated

Against her wishes

When I die, you can fire up the furnace

And then spread me over toast

But Mom is being buried

I did absolutely nothing right as a daughter

I was a colic-y baby

An awful toddler

And a moody teenager

Then I grow up

And she gets sick

And I think she’s exaggerating about it

So I don’t come home

And she drops dead

I am in the Hall of Fame

Of terrible children

But if she wanted to be buried

Then she’s getting buried

It’s the—

Eight hundred!

These fuckers are bidding me up

And they think I don’t know it

Well guess what, fuckers?

Mama has two new credit cards

And no job to go to

So we can do this all damn day

If you want to

All she wanted was a simple grave

With a headstone

And some kind words

And a little patch of grass

Where we could kneel down

And say hi to her

From time to time

And that’s what she’s going to get

A person should be able to have something that for themselves

Not a ton of money, maybe

Or fame, or whatever

But just a place to rest

Once you’re dead

Just a place for your family

To come and visit you

And a family should have that too

A place to go and say… you know…

I’m sorry, Mom

I’m sorry I let you down

So I’m getting that

I’m getting that for her

And for—

Right here!

Right here and right here

And right here!

Anybody else bids

And I’m kicking their ass

And I’m not kidding about it!

You people probably just want to bury your pets anyway

Now that the pet cemeteries are filled up

And it’s not going to happen!

I will bid until I am in the poorhouse

And my mother has a grave

And I am

Not

Kidding

NOW DOES ANYBODY ELSE WANT TO BID?

…Thank you

I…

Thank you

It’s just this little thing, you know?

It’s like…

It’s the least I can do