Little People for Lonely Lives

You can buy them in a pack of twelve

They used to sell them in a pack of six

But the six packs always sold out so quickly

That they just stopped making them

Which doesn’t seem to make sense, economically speaking

But if you think about it, it does

People were now forced to buy the twelve pack

And that’s how Martin wound up with the twelve pack

Of little people

Official Product Name:  Little People for Lonely Lives

He decided to buy the gender equality pack

Six little men and six little women

You could purchase the all-women or all-men pack

But that just seemed creepy

The little people were about the size of action figures

But more fleshed out, more human

Each pack offered a different assortment

And some packs had desirable little people in them

Like Pierce

If your pack had Pierce in it, it was immediately very valuable

Even though you paid the same for it

As any other pack

If you found it in the store

On the shelf

Ali was also very valuable

As was Kristy

And yes, the three of them were the cutest of the little people

But people acted as if they just had nicer personalities

Than all the other little people

When Martin brought his pack home

He opened the box in the living room

And they immediately jumped out

And greeted him warmly

‘Hi Martin!’ one of them, Anna, said in a cheerful voice

‘Would you like us to stay here in the living room or…’

It was then Anna looked around the living room

And realized there wasn’t much more to it than a living room

And a small bathroom

And a door presumably leading to a bedroom

The twelve little people soon began building a small village

Along with the village kit that came in their box

But they sent Martin to the store a few times

To purchase popsicle sticks and Elmer’s glue

And other things that one might use for arts and crafts

And/or the construction of a township in the middle of a one-bedroom apartment

Martin would have gotten the six pack if he could have

And it became clear early on that he should have worked out some sort of Craig’s List deal where in he would split the cost of the twelve pack (which was not inexpensive) and only keep six of the people

One of them definitely being Anna, because she was very nice

Twelve little people was simply too much for his small apartment

The township took up a good chunk of the living room

Leaving Martin holed up in his room most of the time

Admittedly, he did feel less lonely

But he also felt sort of claustrophobic

Were these the two choices, he wondered to himself

Isolation or inundation?

Two of the little people started dating

A month after the township was completed

Which was not uncommon

On Reddit, Martin learned that romance between little people

Was never a good idea, but practically unavoidable

The only problem was that once the two little people

--Paul and Cynthia—

Were married

They didn’t want to live in the township anymore

So they moved into the bathroom

Which was more than a little inconvenient for Martin

But he didn’t want to say anything

Because he didn’t to seem jealous of their love

Even though he sort of was

And even though he couldn’t pee with other people nearby

Martin started using the bathroom at his neighbor’s house

She was a single girl named Moira

Who was very sympathetic to his plight

Because she, herself, had felt lonely at one point

And purchased—not a twelve pack—but an eighteen pack

Even though her apartment wasn’t much bigger than Martin’s

And she said it was a living nightmare after awhile

Especially when three separate tribes of little people were formed

And went to war with each other

While Moira hid in her closet

And waited for all the little people to be killed

‘I hate to say I was happy when the last one stepped on this little booby trap another one had made in the kitchen,’ Moira said to Martin one day over coffee after he had used her shower, ‘But I sort of was.  I was so tired of living in my closet and falling asleep every night to the sound of miniature tanks rolling across the linoleum.’

Martin and Moira ended up spending quite a lot of time together

He hoped that maybe his little people would go to war with each other like Moira’s did, but no such luck

They did spread out a bit more

--Four moved under the bed, one hiked up to the top of the fridge and built a hut there, and the rest dismantled the township and ended up behind the television, in the spice cupboard, and wherever else there was a nook or cranny with enough flat space to set up tiny living quarters

The two little people in the bathroom got a divorce

--Not formally, of course, but they did split up

One stayed in the bathtub

And the other built a little shack by the sink

And became something of a fisherman

After he convinced Martin to buy him some goldfish

As it turned out, Martin’s little people enjoyed being alone

And Martin knew there must be some irony in that

Considering what their purpose was

And why he bought them in the first place

‘Oh please understand, Martin,’ Anna said to him one day, as she was moving herself into his sock drawer, ‘If you were still here, we’d probably be more social, because keeping you happy and active is sort of, you know, our job, but without you here, it’s just kinda like…’

She shrugged her little shoulders

And smiled a simple smile

‘We’d rather just be alone’

Martin eventually moved in with Moira

But he kept paying rent on his place

Until one by one

The little people died of old age

Which, for them, isn’t very old

Their lives are short

Some argue it’s biology

Since they are so small

But others say it’s to keep you buying more and more

Since many people never recover from their loneliness

And the loss of their twelve or eighteen little friends

Only makes their lives infinitely worse

If they haven’t already started feeling less lonely

Martin was one of the lucky ones

Anna was the last to go

In a small bed

In the sock drawer

And when she did

Martin comforted her

By letting her rest her little hand

On his thumb

And smiled a simple smile at her

And made sure that at the end

She didn’t feel

Alone