Beating the Prince

Have we found someone to beat the prince yet?

I found him playing in the garden again

And he got his new britches

Exceedingly dirty

For this, he must be punished

Unfortunately, I had the last prince beater executed

When I found him praying to a statue of a chicken

In the cutlery room

Now there’s no one to beat the prince

And, as you can imagine

He’s been extra naughty lately

Knowing there’s nobody to give him what for

When he misbehaves

Well, I can’t be expected to beat him

That’s the job of a servant

What would people think

If they saw me beating my own son?

Neither my father nor my mother ever laid a hand on me

And so I felt nothing but love for them

Throughout my childhood

My beater, on the other hand,

Was a peevish woman

Named Lucinda

Who could lay the devil into you

If you stepped out of line

Many was the day I’d be unable to sit

Because of the beating Lucinda gave me

God how I hated that woman

--And how I could use her now!

She’s dead, of course

I had her executed when I became queen

For beating me too soundly

That’s the trouble with the beaters

Eventually the children they beat grow up

And order that they be executed

For all the beatings they gave

That’s probably why nobody goes to school for beating anymore

It’s truly becoming a lost art

Gone is the day when you could stroll through the castle

While the sounds of sobbing children

Danced upon your ears

Oh sure, one or two of the royal children

Died as a result of the beatings

But anybody that weak

Could never make it in today’s world anyway

As my father used to say to my dear, departed brother Edward

‘If hanging from your feet with a knife wound in your abdomen kills you,

That’s the good Lord’s way of saying you aren’t fit to be royalty.’

I still carry my scars from Lucinda like trophies

From a long-fought war

It’s not like I was permanently damaged

From what she did

I may not be able to move the fingers on my right hand

But other than that

I’m perfectly potato

Oh damn, did I say potato instead of, uh, the word I meant to say?

Hanging upside down for days on end when you’re young

Does some funny things to your memory

Edward’s so lucky he just up and died

He would have hated not being to express himself properly

Well, time to go interview new beaters

I met a particularly lovely man who seems to have a strange obsession

With butchering livestock

He seems very promising

I have a feeling

The prince will be on his best behavior again

In no time