To My Family,
I’m sure you’re all upset
That you will not be receiving
Any of my money
Now that I’m gone
Honesty, I do not feel
You’re owed an explanation for this
And if it weren’t for the fact
That I needed to protect
The recipient of the money
I wouldn’t be writing this letter to you
Towards the end of my life
I was mainly left alone
As I’m sure all of you know
Since you were the ones
Not visiting me
And the only thing that gave me comfort
Was a film I stumbled upon one day
When I was Googling the number
Of a new pizza place down the street
Word to the wise--
It’s best not to look up
‘Pizza delivery’ and ‘Spicy’
Even though you know
I love spicy pizza
What you wind up finding
Are some very interesting films
And one of them starred man
Who reminded me
So much of your grandfather
His name is Donovan Hammer Also known as 'The Hammer'
And he’s what they call in Hollywood--
A leading man
In fact, he’s starred in over three hundred films
And I managed to watch
Nearly all of them
Hammer Me
Hammer This
Hammer Me 2: Time To Get Hammered Again
All of them so charming
And so...frankly, so educational
So I’ve decided
To take all the money
I’ve saved up
Over the course of my life
And send it to Donovan
From what I can tell
Based on interviews I’ve read
On WildXX.com
He’s very interested
In starting his own production company
And I think I can help with that
After all, I can’t imagine
The films he wants to make
Are all that expensive
In fact, Getting Hammered was filmed
Entirely in what appears to be
An abandoned McDonald’s
I want my money to do some good
And while some of you have mortgages
And student loan payments
And children to feed
You’re also a bunch of inconsiderate pricks
Who allowed an old woman
To spend her golden years
Becoming a pornography addict
Not that I’m complaining
I’m sure you’re all furious
That I would take the family fortune
And invest it in smut
But making you angry
Is not why I’m doing this
Oh, don’t get me wrong
It’s certainly a perk
But it’s not the only reason
I believe that when someone
Or something
Brings you joy
It’s your job
To return the favor
Donovan might not know
That he’s guided another human being
A little bit closer to comfort
As she finished out her life
But that doesn’t mean
He shouldn’t be rewarded for it
If you like, you could always watch
The fruits of the family funding
As I’m sure they’ll be online in no time
But I’d advise you to prepare yourself
For an intense form of artistry
That I doubt many of you
Are accustomed to
Particularly you, Ann Marie
Knowing my brother-in-law
The way I do
It would shock me greatly
If you’ve ever experienced
That level of...intensity
You’ll just have to trust
That I’ve made the right decision
The right decision for me anyway
And since it’s my money
I think any decision I made
Would be the right one
I wish you all luck
For the rest of your lives
Goodness knows poverty
Isn’t easy
And you all were so close
To escaping it
Life just doesn’t always go
The way we plan it to
Sometimes a pizza delivery boy
Is there to deliver pizza
And sometimes...
The music starts
The lighting softens
And pizza
Becomes the last thing
On your mind
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