Your Very Next Post

     (DAD is sitting with MOM and CHRIS.)

CHRIS:  I can't believe they found you.

DAD:  That island was so lonely.

MOM:  An entire year.  It's been an entire year!

DAD:  I missed you both so much.

CHRIS:  We thought you were dead.

DAD:  I know.

CHRIS:  Like...we really thought you were dead.

DAD:  But I'm not.

MOM:  It's...This is a lot.

DAD:  I'm just so glad to be back.

MOM:  So many people, uh, really missed you.

DAD:  Oh, I know, I've been looking at what people posted.

MOM:  What?

DAD:  On social media.  My Facebook.  People were posting--

CHRIS:  Oh.

DAD:  It's so crazy.  A year away from social media and you come back and it's like--Whoa!

CHRIS:  Hahaha I bet.

DAD:  Do you know people send dead people messages on Facebook?

MOM:  Saying what?

DAD:  I miss you.  How are you?  Here's a picture of me in underwear.

CHRIS:  People sent you pictures of them in your underwear?

DAD:  Just that guy Matt I used to work with--He's got great legs.

MOM:  Uh.

DAD:  But you know what?  I forgot to look at the posts you both put up after I was gone.

CHRIS:  Oh, you don't want to look at that now.

MOM:  It'll be so sad.

DAD:  But so few people get to hear their own eulogies, right?  It'll help me appreciate you two.

CHRIS:  You already appreciate it, Dad.

DAD:  No, no--my curiosity is getting the better of me.

    (He takes out his phone.)

MOM:  You know, we should just go grab some dinner.  Was there ramen before you left?  It's very big now.

DAD:  I just want to see what you posted.

    (He's scrolling.)

CHRIS:  I think it was just 'I love you, Dad. You were great. Thanks for buying me that drone.'

MOM:  I don't even remember what I posted.

DAD:  Found it!

MOM:  Oooookay.

    (A moment.)

DAD:  Oh my gosh.  Oh my--this is beautiful.  This is so beautiful.  My--Oh wow.

MOM:  Yeah, we--you were missed.

CHRIS:  So missed.

DAD:  I'm so touched.  This is--Oh.

MOM:  What?

DAD:  The, uh--Well, an hour after you posted about me, uh, dying, um, you...posted a photo of yourself...at the beach?

MOM:  It was...It was so...nice out that day.

CHRIS:  I think that was a really sunny day, yeah.

DAD:  Ten minutes later you posted a photo of a cloud that looks like...a pineapple?

MOM:  Oh, I remember that cloud.

DAD:  Sweetie, I...I was dead.

MOM:  And I posted about that.

DAD:  But--yes, you did, but--Then, an hour later, you seem...fine.

     (A beat.)

MOM:  Well.  Life goes on, dear.

DAD:  An hour later?

MOM:  I was...celebrating you...by carrying on with my...beach day.

DAD:  I am...furious!

MOM:  Really?

CHRIS:  Dad, she posted that really nice photo of you two.

DAD:  We were married for twenty-eight years!  You should have posted a thousand photos!

MOM:  Geez, that would get me blocked by a lot of people.

DAD:  The next day you posted an article about fingernail health?

MOM:  That's very important.  When you're grieving, you forget to take care of your fingernails.

DAD:  IT SEEMS LIKE YOU FORGOT ABOUT ME!

CHRIS:  That's so offensive, Dad.  Just because we weren't posting everyday about how much we missed you--

DAD:  You know, you don't have to post--at all.

     (A beat.)

MOM/CHRIS:  What?

DAD:  You could just post that you're sad and then get off social media for a bit while you actually experience the grief you're talking about.

CHRIS:  Um, wow, Dad, I don't know how to tell you this, but you sound...really conceited right now.

DAD:  I DIED!

CHRIS:  And we acknowledged that.  We had a funeral, which, by the way, we didn't take photos at.  Your welcome.

MOM:  I looked great that day too.  It killed me not to document it.

DAD:  You two are sick.  Chris, what did you post?

CHRIS:  Oh, I wouldn't--

DAD:  I'm looking now.

CHRIS:  Dad--

DAD:  Here it--Chris.

CHRIS:  Dad.

DAD:  Chris.

CHRIS:  Dad.

DAD:  You posted something very nice.

CHRIS:  Right.

DAD:  But you attached that nice sentiment...to a photo...of you...WITH NO SHIRT ON.

     (A beat.)

CHRIS:  So what you have to understand is--

DAD:  I'm.

CHRIS:  You have to understand that my followers do not respond favorably to anything that isn't somewhat visual in nature.

DAD:  So post a photo of you and me!

CHRIS:  I don't have any photos of you and me without my shirt on!

DAD:  Just a regular photo!

CHRIS:  Oh, if you think anybody is getting likes on a photo that isn't shirtless, you have really been on that island too long, Dad.

DAD:  This is disgusting.  I'm just gonna--This is DISGUSTING.

CHRIS:  Was it a bad angle?

DAD:  That you were using my death for LIKES!

     (To MOM.)

And that YOU were posting about fingernails and I wasn't even COLD in the GROUND yet.

MOM:  You're not even noticing that I gave your death announcement the coveted 11am slot on a Tuesday.

DAD:  What are you talking about?

CHRIS:  Dad, that's a great time to post.

MOM:  If I knew you weren't going to appreciate it, I would have posted the beach pic at that time instead.

DAD:  Didn't my death mean anything to you?

CHRIS:  Just because we didn't delete all our accounts, that doesn't mean we didn't miss you.

MOM:  Chris, don't talk about deleting our accounts.  That's terrifying.

DAD:  I DIED!

MOM/CHRIS:  You're fine./Come on, Dad.

DAD:  You two have a real problem.  You're addicts.  That's exactly what you are.

     (CHRIS looking at his phone.)

CHRIS:  Dad, when did you post this status about being alive?

DAD:  Uh, that was--I don't remember.

     (MOM looking at her phone.)

MOM:  It says you posted this on Monday.

DAD:  Uh, it might have been Monday.

CHRIS:  But we didn't know you were alive until Tuesday.

DAD:  I, uh, might have posted that when I got on...the ship.

MOM:  Before you called us?

DAD:  Well...it was so hard to get a signal on the rescue boat.  I had just enough, uh, strength to, uh, post the status, and--I really didn't want the phone call to--

CHRIS:  But wait, you posted something five minutes after that.

MOM:  It's a picture of the ocean?

CHRIS:  With a caption that says 'Alive and Well and Living My Best Life?'

DAD:  You know what?  Now that I'm back, we should really talk about using our phones less and spending more quality time together.

CHRIS:  Dad, do you have your shirt off in this photo?

DAD:  God, I wish I were dead...again.

     End of Play