When You Love An Older Man

When you love an older man

One day you wake up

And you do

The math

The math is how old you are now

And how old he was

When you met him

And how you would feel

Being with someone

The age you were

When he was the age

You are currently

You do the math

And you feel…

Something strikes you in the back

Like a blunt object

It’s a quick blow

That lands hard

And then vanishes

You put it away

The math

And you don’t think about it again

Because your husband passed away

A year ago

And there’s no reason

To involve yourself

In the history

Of the deceased

But

The math bangs in its hiding place

And you take it out

And you think about

How mature you thought you were

How graceful

How intelligent

How savvy

And you know now

You weren’t any of those things

And that

All that control

You thought you had at the time

Was not real

This man

This older man you loved

He was in control

He…

He had much more power

Than you admitted to yourself

At the time

Even as he was

Choosing the restaurants

Where you would eat dinner

And deciding where you would live

Because he was, obviously,

Going to be paying the rent

And speaking to you

In that voice

That fathers use

I’m sorry, I know this is creepy

I know it’s creepy

To talk about an age difference

And bring up

Fathers and father figures

And what a cliche, right?

But…

It’s what it is, isn’t it?

When you love an older man

Nobody, except your mother,

Wants to come right out and say--

Something is not quite right here

Instead, what you hear is--

Women are more mature than men

It balances out

Age is just a number

But he told me

That he didn’t want me to work

And I didn’t work
And I told myself

It was a choice

When really

You know

If I could--

If I could go back there

I’d shake that girl

I’d shake the shit out of her

And I’d say--

There is no choice here

You don’t have a choice

You know you don’t have a choice

Stop lying to yourself

About having a choice

When you love an older man

And he doesn’t want kids

You don’t want kids

Because you already know

You can’t have them

Because he doesn’t want them

He’s already had a life

And he looked at you

Someone who had only just started her life

And he decided

That he wanted you to join him

At the end of his story

As if that would elongate his story

Rather than abridge yours

That’s not to say all older men
I’m not talking about all older men
I’m talking about mine

But I’m using the you format

Because it brings things out of me

That I didn’t know were there

Like when we fought

And we did fight

He would use the age difference to mean--

I know what I’m talking about
Because I’m older than you

While simultaneously feeling like

He didn’t need to be sensitive to the fact

That I was younger than him

Because as romantic partners

We were also equals

When it came to me needing

To toughen up

And act like a grown woman

Which I was not

Eighteen is a bullshit age

At which to place adulthood

Who is really an adult

At eighteen?

If we’re being honest with ourselves

Thirty is probably the safest bet

And even that seems to be pushing it

These days

And I won’t say that all age differences are bad

But where those ages fall

Very much matters

I don’t care if you’re fifty

Shacking up with a seventy-five year-old

But when you’re twenty

And he is forty-five

That is a very big gap

When you love an older man

People love to tell you

About a couple they knew

Who were far apart in age

And oh, they were so happy

Notice that it’s never an older woman

And a younger man

Even though biologically speaking

That’s the combination

That makes the most sense

An older man, in one particular area

Is virtually useless

To a younger woman

Whereas a younger man

Is practically designed

For women of a certain age

And of course

If this is making you all uncomfortable

We could all just date our fucking age

And call it a day

That would seem to eliminate

Most of the trouble

Unless you were a girl like me

Who couldn’t possibly date boys her age

Because they were so goofy and dumb

And older men were so sophisticated

Do you know what you learn

When you love an older man?

They are little boys

With nice suits

That’s all

My husband died at the age

Of eighty-eight

And he was as much of a child

As he was when I first met him

And I’m sure that was the case

Before I met him as well

If you want the truth

From an older woman

About her younger self?

I wanted to feel taken care of

Not controlled

Not paid for, although if that’s what you’re after

Good for you
I’m not judging you

I just wanted…

I just wanted someone

Who would take care of things for me

Not take care of me

Just the…

The things about being an adult
That I didn’t think I could handle

Bank accounts

And oil changes

And--

You have to understand

I grew up

Being told

That I could not handle

Those things

I grew up

Being told that men

Not boys

Men

Handled

Those things

Some of my girlfriends were smart

They heard the same things I heard

And said--

To hell with that

And married guys their age

Who drove them nuts

And they were still very happy

I married my guy and I was…

He called me a child once

That’s the word he used

We were fighting

And he said ‘You’re such a child’

And I lost it

Oh god, I lost my mind

Not at the insult

Of him using the word

But at him

Putting that word out there

In regards to me

I’d used it

To talk about him

You heard me

I just did it earlier

He was a child

He was a child

But I was not a child

I was just young

Younger

Younger than him

And he said that

And when he said that--

That I was a--

Sorry

One second

When he said…

You’re such a child

My vision went

And my body--

My temperature went up

And I thought…

I thought I was thinking

But I was saying--

I was yelling

Screaming, actually--

Don’t you ever say that

Don’t you ever fucking say that again!

I was out of my mind

How could he say that?

How could he call me his child?

I am your wife!

If I’m a child

What the hell does that make you?

We didn’t talk for a week after that

When you love an older man

You will say you’re sorry first

More often than not

You will feel a pressure

That can’t be explained

A tension

That cannot be alleviated

You will spend forty years together

And when he dies

You will think about that morning

The morning of your forty-fifth birthday

How you woke up

And he was laying next to you in bed

Seventy-years-old

The age your father was when he died of a heart attack

And you’ll think of your friend’s daughter

Who turned twenty-one the day before

And how young she sounded

When you called her

To wish her a happy birthday

Because you’re her godmother

The closest to being a mother

You’ll ever be

You’ll look at photos of her

That you have on your phone

Photos that were taken recently

And she’s the age you were

And she’s the age you were

And she’s the age you were

And…

He’s laying in the bed

He’s having trouble

Breathing in his sleep

You’ll be with him

For another eighteen years

And then he’ll die

And nobody will bring up

The age difference

Because at that point

You’re not so young yourself

When you love an older man

Your life becomes about

Catching up

But catching up to what?

I don’t know

I couldn’t say

Did I catch up?
Did I ever catch up?

I did the math

The math gives me an answer

I don’t like

So I return to questions

And memories

Which aren’t as reliable as math

But which paint for you

In colors math cannot access

The man I loved

Was not a bad man

He wanted what every man wants

He wanted to be idolized

He wanted to provide

He wanted to live according

To what he felt

Not what progress

And the onward march of time

Suggested would be appropriate

He would have made

A very good caveman

And he was not anti-women

He didn’t hate them

He was not abusive

Or cruel

He was older

He was older than me

And he took what he could get

He could get a young girl

Who was twelve when her father died

To fall in love with him

A young pretty girl

What a good deal

What a good deal

For a man

For any man

Let alone a man his age

Back when men

Didn’t age all that well

When you love an older man

You make excuses for him

All kinds of excuses

For why it’s really

All your fault

That you’re standing where you’re standing

Wearing black

Knowing you’re not that far away

From the end of your story

Now that his is over

When you love an older man

You can tell all kinds of stories

Ones that are generous to him

And ones that aren’t

As long as you love him

As long as you love him

You can tell any kind of story

You want