Acting in Dirty Motel Rooms

I took the job

Because it was a one-day

At this motel

Off the highway

I thought it was gritty

It sounded gritty

And I never got to do that

When I was working regularly

I always did sitcoms

And I did a few network dramas

But I never got to do
That indie film stuff

That a lot of guys

Got famous off of

I never did that stuff

Because there wasn’t

Any money there

And my agent

Told me I needed

To think about

The scope of a given project

That’s how I ended up

Turning down Pulp Fiction

So I could do a three-episode arc

On Just Shoot Me

Ironically, Just Shoot Me

Is exactly what you say

When you realize

You turned down Pulp Fiction

And it becomes Pulp Fiction

I fired that agent

And I never got another one

The best offer I got

After that

Was for Baywatch Nights

For people who are curious

About what those fascinating lifeguards

Were up to
During the day

I got to the motel

Off the highway

And it turned out

The manager

Had no idea

We were filming there

We had to film the entire

Half hour short film

Under the nose of this manager

And it felt like

Filming a gritty indie film

Under the umbrella

Of one of those shitty 90’s shitcoms

That I used to book all the time

I used to tell myself

I could get back into it

If I really wanted to

But then I…

I stopped believing it

Stopped believing

My own bullshit

Do you believe that?

Ha

It’s kind of funny

I was acting in the motel room

Opposite this girl

This girl half my age

Supposed to be my girlfriend

And it was her first film

But she told me

That she was so excited

To get to work with

A real actor

A real actor

Then she had to punch me

Square in the jaw

Because the script said to

And there’s no fight choreographer

So she ends up just punching me

And then we had to do it again

Because the angle wasn’t right

And before the day was done

And we got kicked out

She had punched me

Eight or nine times

She apologized

After each time

But I didn’t mind

Felt kind of good

If I have to admit it

You don’t usually get a chance

When you’re a guy like me

To have someone

Punch you right in the face

Felt like I needed it

In fact, after we were done

Getting kicked out of the motel

I asked the director

This young film student kid

If he could film me

Getting punched a few more times

In the parking lot

Of the Arby’s across the street

He looked at me

Like I was nuts

Maybe I am nuts

You know?

Maybe I am