The Posterior Letters

      (JANE and WALTER correspond.)

WALTER:  Dearest Jane. Sup? Sincerely, Walter.

JANE:  Dearest Walter. Not much. Sincerely, Jane.

WALTER:  Dearest Jane. Bored. You?  Sincerely, Walter.

JANE:  Dearest Walter. Just reading a book. Sincerely, Jane.

WALTER:  Dearest Jane. Anything good?  Sincerely, Walter.

JANE:  Dearest Walter. It was a four hundred page bodice ripper. I had just started it when I received your letter. I finished it a week ago. It was lovely.  Sincerely, Jane.

WALTER:  Dearest Jane. A bodice ripper? How...titillating. Sincerely, Walter.

JANE:  Dearest Walter. Is this a...posterior letter?  Sincerely, Jane.

WALTER:  Dearest Jane. What do you think? Winky face. Sincerely, Walter.

JANE:  Dearest Walter. It appears that some ink dripped onto your letter. It made quite a mess and looked like a grotesque little winking face with a swollen eyeball. Also, as far as what I think, I think you writing me to ask for my affection when your last three correspondences were all similar in nature and none inquired as to know my character better paint you in a rather unflattering light. Sincerely, Jane.

WALTER:  Dearest Jane, I am attaching a portrait done of my genitals by a renowned local artist. Shall you tell me that this photo doesn't arouse anything in you?  Sincerely, Jane.

JANE:  Dearest Walter. No, it does not. In fact, if that is an accurate portrait of your genitalia, I would suggest that you seek medical attention, as it appears crooked and of a most unattractive color.  Sincerely, Jane.

WALTER:  Dearest Jane.  I can assure you it looks much better in person. Perhaps you should inspect it for me when I pay you a visit next. Perhaps in the next six months or so?  Sincerely, Walter.

JANE: Dearest Walter. I am quite busy for the next six months. Perhaps another time. Sincerely, Jane.

WALTER:  Dearest Jane.  What are you busy doing?  Sincerely, Walter.

JANE:  Dearest Walter. I am shaving my head bald and going to war against the Scots. Sincerely, Jane.

WALTER:  Dearest Jane. My oh my, you have me laughing audibly. You are a funny one. I do not know many funny women, as women do not usually strike me as humorous, but I suppose you are the exception. Would you care to tell me more of your jokes while you straddle me on the cliffs outside your manor when I visit you six months from this day?  Sincerely, Walter.

JANE:  Dearest Walter. I was not making light, although I do believe I'm quite funny when I care to be. I am taking up arms against the Scots and I plan on beheading a good many of them and making a lovely fence outside my manor comprised entirely of their skulls. Perhaps that shall keep away unwanted advances from foolish men who can't take a hint. Sincerely, Jane.

WALTER:  Dearest Jane. My oh my. What has a Scot ever done to you? Sincerely, Walter.

JANE:  Dearest Walter. One sent me a portrait of his genitalia once. Sincerely, Jane.

WALTER:  Dearest Jane. Lovely to speak with you as always. I wish you well in your pursuits. Sincerely, Walter.

JANE:  Dearest Walter. A pleasure as always. I'm sending your portrait back to you so that you may send it to some other woman, although I advise you to gain her consent before sending it. And perhaps warn her. For it is not for all stomachs. Sincerely, Jane.

End of Play