When I Got the Girls

When I got the girls

It was because

My ex-husband

Finally got an attorney

Stupider than the one

I got off the Internet

And the first thing I wanted

Was the chest of my dreams

Everybody had opinions

Everybody wanted to tell me

That I looked beautiful without them

I didn’t really care

What anybody thought

About how I looked

Or what I needed

Or didn’t need

You know what I thought about?

I thought about

How all those people

With their opinions

Sat at my wedding

All those years ago

And kept their mouths shut

When the priest asked

Who thought

It was a bad idea

That’s when I could have

Used their opinions

I got my check

I got my surgery

And suddenly

I feel like I’ve always

Wanted to feel

And not because

It made me want

To be like anyone else

It’s just a way
I wanted to look

And I didn’t go crazy

Like some people

Said I would

Sure, I got a little botox

After I got the girls

And I had my eyes done

But then I felt fine

I felt more than fine

I felt amazing

For the first time in my life

I felt like I was in control

Of something

And before the self-taught therapists

Try to diagnose me

Let me just say

I know control isn’t something

You can acquire

With implants

But I never really figured out

How else to get it

I tried making my kids

What I wanted them to be

And they hated me for it

I tried making my marriage

What I wanted it to be

And I wound up

On my own

I tried redoing my house

And then I wound up

Not having a kitchen

For eleven months

They always say

You gotta start

With yourself

So when I got the girls

That was me

Working on me

Once I looked

The way I wanted

I started to feel

The way I wanted

To feel

Not sexy, not younger

Not even necessarily better

Just someone

Who takes charge

Of their life

And doesn’t ask anybody

If that’s okay to do

It was more money

That I should have spent

And it was something

A lot of people

Are ashamed to admit to

And all that meant

It felt fucking fantastic

And I’d do it all over again

And probably feel

Even better about it

I’m all I have to work with

So I decided

It was time

To put it all to work

No more sitting sad

In a nightgown

On a Friday night

Thinking--

Is this going to be the rest of my life?

It’s not

It’s not

Because now

I’m going to do things

Nobody thinks I should do

And see where that takes me

Doing what everybody thought

Was a bad idea

But not worth speaking up over

Got me nowhere

Might as well

Do what feels good

For a change, right?

Might as well

Learn

How to feel

Good