(A laundry room. MAE is folding clothes. Her son, MATT, is helping.)
MATT: I'm up to five thousand likes.
MAE: Five thousand?
MATT: Probably going to be six by tonight.
MAE: You KNOW five thousand people?
MATT: I don't know them. They're followers.
MAE: Followers? Like Jesus?
MATT: No, they just like hearing what I have to say.
MAE: Why?
MATT: Because I'm funny.
MAE: You are?
MATT: Yeah, I say funny things.
MAE: I've never heard you say one funny thing.
MATT: That's not true.
MAE: You have never made me laugh once.
MATT: It's not like a 'Ha ha' funny. It's like a--'Oh, that's clever' funny.
MAE: Isn't clever like smart-funny?
MATT: Yeah.
MAE: And that's you?
MATT: Yeah.
MAE: Are you sure?
MATT: Well, five thousand people think so.
MAE: Lot of morons in this world.
MATT: Mom, this tweet I came up with could end up getting half a million likes.
MAE: And then what?
MATT: That means I go viral.
MAE: And you want that?
MATT: Yeah!
MAE: And then you get paid?
MATT: What?
MAE: Is that when they pay you?
MATT: No, you don't get paid.
MAE: A half a million people read something you wrote and you don't get paid for it?
MATT: Well--
MAE: Half a million people read a book, the guy gets paid.
MATT: It's not a book, it's a tweet.
MAE: That's cause smart people write books.
MATT: I'm smart.
MAE: If you were smart, you'd be getting paid.
MATT: It's not about being paid.
MAE: What's it about then?
MATT: People thinking you're smart.
MAE: Just because they think it, doesn't mean it's true.
MATT: You know, people get movie deals for writing good tweets.
MAE: They do?
MATT: Yeah.
MAE: So where's your movie deal?
MATT: Well...I'd have to write...a lot of good tweets.
MAE: Like how many?
MATT: I don't know. A lot.
MAE: And how many have you written?
MATT: Just the one.
MAE: Doesn't sound like you're getting any movie deals.
MATT: Well, I still thought it was pretty cool to have people think I said something interesting.
MAE: Don't you think that what you think about yourself is better than what other people think about you?
MATT: Yeah.
MAE: Well, that's bull. All that matters is what I think of you.
MATT: Thanks, Mom.
MAE: You don't need to be funny, you're a good person. A dumb, good person who can't fold laundry.
MATT: Thanks, Mom.
MAE: Now, if I wanted to get on Twitter--
MATT: Not a chance.
End of Play
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