The Crab Orgy

 The crabs are having

An orgy

We know how that sounds

But we’re scientists

We have to tell you

The truth of the matter

And the truth of the matter is

The crabs are having an orgy

That’s what they do

Crabs have orgies

It’s not our fault

We don’t encourage it

We’d love it

If they just settled down

And did nice little crab things

But that’s not how they are

They’re crabs

They’re dirty, dirty crabs

And if you think

It’s just a simple

Crab orgy

We are sorry to inform you

That it is way worse

Than you think it is

There are mini-orgies

Within the orgies

There are threeways

Fourways

Eightways

All happening

Within the main orgy

Male crabs

Are doing things

With male crabs

Female crabs

Are doing things

With female crabs

Live crabs are doing things

With dead crabs

And the live crabs

Might know they’re doing things

With dead crabs

And they might not care

There’s usually one threeway

With two live crabs

And one dead crabs

If all this sounds gross to you

We need to stress

That we AGREE COMPLETELY

We sometimes go down

To the bottom of the ocean

And beg them to knock it off

But they just won’t

We hope that this is

At least partly

To reproduce

But truthfully

We’re not sure

That’s the point at all

I mean, yes, we assume

Some do get pregnant

But that’s bound to happen

When you’re a crab

Having sex with every other crab you know

All at once

Not that we’re shaming the crab

For what she’s doing

We support crabs

Doing whatever

Crabs want to do

It’s just a lot to take in

When you’re trying to study

A harmless octopus

And you stumble across

What you think

Is a throbbing coral reef

And it turns out

To be a crab bacchanal

The other day

One of our scientists

Fell into one of the orgies

And started screaming

Of course

We couldn’t hear it

Because they were

In their scuba suit

But we saw the flailing

And we could tell

That the flailing was getting

The crabs

Very aroused

And they started throbbing

On the scientist

And we luckily pulled them out

Before things got out of hand

Well

That concludes

Our presentation

At this conference

We hope you’ll all

Be purchasing the journal

In which our article on this appears

The first run sold out

But we’re hoping to do a reprint

Fairly soon

Enjoy the rest

Of the conference