The Best Hamlet You'll Ever See

So I asked him

How many times

He’d seen Hamlet

Like, in his life

And he said three times

One of them was some college production

One was summer stock in the Catskills or something

And the third one was this recent one with Scott

And so I said—

—And I was really, uh, kind---I mean, I watched my tone—

I said—

So how could you say

This was the best Hamlet

You’d ever see

And he said—

Well, it was the best Hamlet

I’d ever seen

And I was like—

Let’s unpack this

Shall we?

First off, you didn’t say

It was the best you’d ever seen

You said it was the best Hamlet

You’d ever see

And the ‘you’ there

Refers to the audience

The readers

Of your review

Not, like, you personally

Unless that was just a misprint

And so I asked him

Was it a misprint

And at this point

He’s already looking

Pretty annoyed

So I was like—

Okay, let’s table that

For a second

Even if what you meant

Was that it was the best Hamlet

You’d ever seen

--You’ve only seen three Hamlet’s

I just—like, is it necessary to use language like that

When you’ve only seen three Hamlet’s?

Why not just say—

It was a really good Hamlet?

Or—

I’ve seen three Hamlet’s and this was the best of the three

But, of course, that’s not saying much

Because one of them was probably some actor from Idaho

On a summer contract

And one was a teenager

Like, I just think you should be honest

Just, like, have some integrity, you know?

Because otherwise people are going to assume

That because you’re a theater critic

You’ve seen, like, eight thousand Hamlet’s

And so this Hamlet must be

Really, like

An exemplary Hamlet

And I’m not saying it’s not good

I’m sure it’s good

I’m sure it’s very good

But to say—

The best Hamlet you’re ever going to see

Like, what if somebody goes to London

And sees, like, some famous actor

Do Hamlet?

What if somebody watches the movie

With Kenneth Branagh?

What if somebody invents a time machine

And goes back to when Shakespeare

Wrote the play

And watches, like, the FIRST Hamlet?

I just think you can’t make statements like—

The best Hamlet you’re ever going to see

That doesn’t make any sense

That’s just some critic

Trying to get his quote on the poster

So he can feel like he’s a bigshot

And that’s essentially what I said to him

In a much nicer way

Because I wasn’t trying to be a jerk

But I think he still got the point

Because he was really aggravated with me

And asked me to get off his front step

And how did I find out where he lived

And I was just like—

That’s not really the point

And he was like—

I’m going to call the police

And I was like—

Are you going to call, like, any old police

Or the Greatest Police I’m Ever Likely

To Be Arrested By?

And, uh, from there

Things got really, uh

Contentious

I don’t know why

We were just having a discussion

About art

Some people just get

Way too worked up