Thursday, September 10, 2020

The FBI Looks for Details About Your Relationship Status on Facebook

        (An office in LANGLEY. DANA and MORGAN are standing by a computer.)

DANA:  I can't make the call yet.

MORGAN:  Dana, come on. He's single.

DANA:  I have a bad feeling, Morgan.

MORGAN:  You can't find one mention of a girlfriend. Not one photo of him even standing next to a woman who isn't his mom.

DANA:  How many times have we made the call on a guy been wrong? People get hurt, Morgan. People die.

MORGAN:  People have died?

DANA:  I mean, not as the result of that, but just, in general, people die. I'm just stating a fact.

MORGAN:  He barely even talks about women. Could he be--

DANA:  No, he's gone out of his way to make sure it's clear on social media that he's straight.

MORGAN:  What about his vacation to Mexico last year?  Could he have taken someone with him?

DANA:  There's no way to know, because the only proof we have that he even went was this photo he was tagged in by a...Monica?

MORGAN:  But Monica isn't the girlfriend?

DANA:  Her profile is private.

MORGAN:  Shit.

DANA:  But you can see her profile photo and it looks like she's standing next to a guy, and the two of them are giving me a lot of couple energy.

MORGAN:  Then why is she tagging our guy in Mexico?

DANA:  Maybe they were dating and broke up?

MORGAN:  No, no, it wasn't that long ago. She'd already have a new guy with a profile photo up?

DANA:  We need to let the Director know about this.

MORGAN:  No!  I am not sending another straight guy to him without knowing if he's taken.

DANA:  Remember Rob the Father?

MORGAN:  Rob the Father who had seven-year-old twin girls and never posted about them once?

DANA:  Why are men like this?

MORGAN:  My husband says they value their privacy.

DANA:  Bullshit.

MORGAN:  Right?  They just don't want a paper trail in case they take off in the middle of the night to go start a new family in Tokyo.

DANA:  You didn't have to use my ex as an example, Morgan.

MORGAN:  Sorry.

DANA:  I'm going to figure out whether this bastard is in a relationship or not if it's the last thing I do.

MORGAN:  Dana, you can't get too invested.

DANA:  He posted a meme about missing being single on the first of the year. Why would he post that if he wasn't single himself?

MORGAN:  Yeah, on the first of the year.

DANA:  Have we gone through every photo he's been tagged in?

MORGAN:  It looks like he might be de-tagging.

DANA:  DAMMIT!

MORGAN:  I know.

DANA:  He knows we're onto him.

MORGAN:  We have to kick this up the chain.

DANA:  No.  I'm going to friend Monica.

MORGAN:  Dana, you can't.

DANA:  I'll be cool about it. I'll tell her we have mutual friends.

MORGAN:  But you don't. She can see that. Facebook is going to tell her. They're going to rat you out. You can't trust them.

DANA:  I know how to play it, Morgan. I'm just going to find out what happened in Mexico.

MORGAN:  You're losing your grip.

DANA:  I know exactly what I'm doing! For all we know, this guy could have ten kids, four wives, a pack of ducks, and a boat named the Family Man and he's laughing at us, Morgan. He's laughing at us as we sit here trying to figure out if he's off the market, because all he has to do is the one thing nobody else can which is not document every second of his stupid life!

     (A beat.)

MORGAN:  Or we make the call that he's single.

DANA:  Morgan--

MORGAN:  We've done our job, Dana. We've done our job and we can say--

DANA:  We can't.

MORGAN:  We can say with a reasonable degree of certainty--

DANA:  With certainty?

MORGAN:  --That he is single.

DANA:  Is that going to be your official report?

MORGAN:  I want it to be our official report.

DANA:  I can't put my name on that.  Not after what happened with We Got Back Together Dan.

MORGAN:  Anybody could have made that mistake, Dana.

DANA:  He had been off the market for a week and if we had just waited--

MORGAN:  Because he got back together with the ex. It was an honest mistake.

DANA:  If we had waited a week, he would have had the fight with his girlfriend where she accused him of not posting about her because he wanted to keep his options open, and we would have seen her mentioned in passing in that one comments section, and our assessment would have changed.

MORGAN:  Maybe. But we can't wait on this one. Upstairs wants an answer. This is the answer we have.

DANA:  Let me friend Monica. Let me gain her trust.

MORGAN:  I can't let you do that, Dana.

DANA:  We're letting him make fools of us, Morgan.

MORGAN:  If you go down this road, you're going to end up friending him and asking him yourself.

DANA:  You think I would do something that reckless?

MORGAN:  I don't know, Dana. I really don't.

DANA:  You think I would come right out and ask a man if he's single?

MORGAN:  Would you?

     (A beat.)

DANA:  I'll turn in my badge.

MORGAN:  I'm sorry, Dana. I wasn't trying to break you.

DANA:  It's not you, Morgan. It's men. Men are trash.

MORGAN:  They really are.

DANA:  They talk to you for twenty-eight minutes about the one summer they worked at their dad's paper towel company, but try to find out if they've been dating someone for six years--

MORGAN:  I know, Dana. But one day, it'll change. One day Facebook will become so invasive it'll force you to talk about your relationship.

DANA:  God, that sounds good.

MORGAN:  Doesn't it?

DANA:  I just hope I live to see that day, Morgan. I just hope I live to see it.

     End of Play

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