How We Handled the Squirrels

We handled the squirrels
By dressing up like giant raccoons

We went running through the yard
Making what we imagined to be scary raccoon noises
Hoping that the squirrels would believe
Their territory had been taken over
By obscenely large raccoons
With violent tempers

In reality, the squirrels just sat in the trees
And waited until we fell into the pool

(Those raccoon masks had such tiny eye slots)

Then they came down from the trees
And continued to eat the corn
Off our decorative door wreaths

This is how the war continued

Some of us gave up early
Leaving bowls of birdseed out
In the hope that the squirrels would eat that
And leave our patio furniture alone

But those people were fools

The squirrels weren't interested
In our measly birdseed

They didn't want to simply eat
They wanted to torment us

The more militant among us understood this
And made bigger, better plans
To destroy the squirrels

We'd like to tell you that we were above poisoning them
But we were not above that at all

But the squirrels were not stupid
They left the wreaths with the poison in them
Right where they are
And so instead we had dead chipmunks
All over our porch
And this made our children cry
And our resolves strengthen

The squirrels had sacrificed their chipmunk brothers
And they didn't even feel guilty about it

We adopted angry, vicious dogs
That we turned loose in our yards
Hoping they would like the taste of squirrel blood

And the next morning we woke up
To find photos of our dogs in our mailboxes
Blind-folded
Looking starved

The squirrels were sending us a message

Keep this up
And there will be casualties

We should have stopped there
But at this point
We weren't thinking clearly
If at all

And so we lit the tree on fire

The one in our front yard
Where the squirrels lived

And we waited around the perimeter of the tree
With shotguns
For the squirrels to come running down
So that we could shoot them

Not in the face
Just in the leg
Just to cause them some of the pain
They caused us

But they didn't come down

They stayed in that tree
As it burned

Until it burned to the ground

And when the last bit of bark
Charred over
We all looked at each other
Put down our guns
And glanced at the respective windows
Of our respective children
Who were standing with their faces
Pressed up against their bedroom glass
Horrified by what they'd seen their parents do

We'd burned the squirrels
We'd burned them alive

. . . . .

There wasn't much talking after that night

Just sullen dinners
The sound of knives cutting up against porcelain plates
Sad little children
Who still burst into tears
Every now and again

And each night we go to bed
Turned away from the window

But--and we will swear this is true
As we lay facing our bedroom walls
We swear we see the shadow
Of a little head
And little paws
And a little tail

Silently waiting outside
Our bedroom window

Waiting for us to fall asleep
So it can come inside
And finish
What it started