A Pin Drops

I couldn’t go to her funeral

Because, uh, well

I talked to my wife about it

She didn’t say much

But I know when she thinks

Something’s not a good idea

She’ll slam something down

And I know, Oh, okay, better not

Married thirty-six years to someone

And then you have to say good-bye

In your own way

Because your new wife of three years

Feels funny about it

Makes her feel like

She wants to slam something

That’s something I can’t understand

But there’s a lot of things

I don’t understand

About what hurts people

And what, uh, what they can ignore

That’s probably how I wound up

Divorced in the first place

Kept mistaking one

For the other

Hurts me to think of my kids

Standing in one of those receiving lines

Without their father there

But I told them how their stepmom felt about it

And they didn’t get too worked up

They’ve had to do a lot in life

On their own

So they probably figure

This is just one more thing

Still makes me mad though

And then I just get quiet

Because I never did learn

What to do about getting mad

My father used to give the nearest person to him

A good slap

And that seemed to help

But I was never much the physical type

My kids never had a hand laid on ‘em

But they never had a hug either

I used to say--

This is all I’ve got

Whether it was money

Time

Love

Anything

I’d hold up my hands and say--

That’s it, kids

That’s all I’ve got

Used to say it like it was funny

Even though

Nobody ever laughed but me

And sometimes

Not even me

I don’t know if they’re doing

Open or closed casket

She always was a beautiful woman

But I don’t know how the cancer--

What it did to her

Haven’t spoken to her in awhile

Last time we saw each other

Was at our youngest one’s wedding

I got a little too drunk

And asked her if she wanted to dance

She told me to take a walk

That woman never put up with my bullshit

Or anybody else’s

And that’s what always drove me nuts about her

And made me love her

At the same time

If I could stand up at that funeral

And say something

That’s what I’d say--

She never took any bullshit

I’d love to see the priest’s face

When he hears that

But it’s the truth

I don’t know how you keep somebody

So close for so long

And then push ‘em

So far away

But that’s what I did

That kind of sabotage

Is something

People write books about

So they can go looking

For a part of themselves

They don’t have anymore

But it’s not there

And it’s never going

To be there again

I hope lots of folks

Turn up for her

I’m sure they will

Now, when I die?

That’s going to be a lonely funeral

You’ll probably be able to hear a pin drop

And I’ll tell you something

I won’t be surprised

Not one bit

And I won’t blame

A goddamn soul

But me