Do You Believe This Weather?

     (SALLY and JOAN at the supermarket.)

SALLY:  Do you believe this weather?

JOAN:  Please.

SALLY:  Yesterday it was sunny.  Today?  Rain.

JOAN:  Enough already.

SALLY:  What's going on?

JOAN:  Somebody should do something.

SALLY:  Is it going to rain again tomorrow?

JOAN:  They said it might.

SALLY:  What do they know?

JOAN:  They don't know anything.

SALLY:  They said it was going to be nice out today.

JOAN:  Bunch of liars.

SALLY:  Twenty percent chance of rain they said.  That means no rain where I'm from.

JOAN:  But then it rains.

SALLY:  You telling me there was an eighty percent chance of us having a nice day and it still rained?  What kind of math is that?

JOAN:  It's like that math they teach the kids in school now.  Where you have to be Chinese to understand it.

SALLY:  Joan, my cousin's wife is Chinese.

JOAN:  I'm not against the Chinese, but I don't want to do their math.  I got my own math.  Two plus two.  That's my math.  Not this--How does two feel about adding itself to two?  Get out of here with that.

SALLY:  You know, they said it might snow this winter.

JOAN:  Don't even say it.

SALLY:  We might have a bad winter.

JOAN:  I'm warning you, Sally.

SALLY:  Blizzards every week.  That's what they said.

JOAN:  I will murder you and leave you here in the produce section.

SALLY:  What am I supposed to do if it snows?  Clean my house?

JOAN:  Remember summer of '98?

SALLY:  That was a beautiful summer.

JOAN:  Gorgeous.  Gorgeous summer.

SALLY:  Best summer of my life.  I had that perm.  It was to die for.

JOAN:  We'll never have a summer like that again.

SALLY:  Absolutely not.

JOAN:  I feel bad for these kids today.  They don't know what they were missing.

SALLY:  They'll never get to see your perm.

JOAN:  I mean, I have pictures, but--

SALLY:  I don't go out when it snows.

JOAN:  Me neither.

SALLY:  My daughter said--Ma, you don't go out when it's nice out either.  You know what I told her?  Mind your own business.

JOAN:  I tell my kids the same thing.

SALLY:  I go out.  I go to the market.  I go to the post office.  I go to Linda's.

JOAN:  How is Linda?

SALLY:  She's still got that thing on her neck.

JOAN:  What'd the doctor say?

SALLY:  He said it was nothing.

JOAN:  What do they know?

SALLY:  They don't know anything--these doctors.  I told mine I have Gulf War syndrome because I saw it on that show.  He said, 'You were in the Gulf War?'  I said, 'Mind your business.'

JOAN:  Mind your business.  Exactly.

SALLY:  They said we might get a hurricane next week.

JOAN:  Ay, enough of these hurricanes.

SALLY:  How many of these we gonna get?

JOAN:  I'd like a nice tornado.

SALLY:  I agree.

JOAN:  Just to mix things up.

SALLY:  Remember in the Wizard of Oz when she had the tornado?

JOAN:  I never saw that.

SALLY:  You never saw the Wizard of Oz?

JOAN:  I'll you something--I don't care for elves.

SALLY:  There's no elves in the Wizard of Oz.

JOAN:  I thought there were elves?

SALLY:  There are no elves.

JOAN:  You mean to tell me all this time I haven't seen that movie and there's no elves?

SALLY:  I mean, there are munchkins--

JOAN:  I don't have any problem with munchkins.  Julia's sister married a munchkin.

SALLY:  You don't call them that.

JOAN:  What do you call them?  Elves?

SALLY:  No, you--Oh god, look at it out.  It's pouring.

JOAN:  I'm not going out in that.

SALLY:  As soon as I got to the market, it starts raining.  Now I'm trapped.

JOAN:  Were the bananas on sale?

SALLY:  Yeah, but they look bad.

JOAN:  How can you tell?

SALLY:  I been buying bananas all these years.  You think I can't tell when a banana's bad?

JOAN:  So why are you buying them?

SALLY:  Bill likes them.

JOAN:  You're going to feed Bill bad bananas?

SALLY:  He doesn't care.  He'll eat anything.  The other night I was throwing out a pear.  He took it right out of my hand and ate it.  I said, 'Bill, you idiot, that pear's been in the bottom drawer of the fridge since Clinton was on Arsenio.'  He didn't care.

JOAN:  Did he get sick?

SALLY:  No, I got sick watching him eat that pear.  Men don't get sick.  They die, but they don't get sick.

JOAN:  That's true.  My Paulie was healthy every day of his life.  Then one day, boom.  He's gone.

SALLY:  Life's too short.

JOAN:  Let me tell you something, Sally--Life's too short.

SALLY:  It's true.

JOAN:  It's true.

SALLY:  You gotta look for the silver linings in the sunshine.

JOAN:  You really do.

SALLY:  But who knows if it'll be sunny again.

JOAN:  Might not happen again.

SALLY:  Might just rain.

JOAN:  It might just rain and rain and rain...

     (They stand there looking at the bananas.)