Theodore Laments

I don’t know why people think

It doesn’t take a toll

I’m sure Alvin and Simon

Have their qualms as well

Simon often mentions

Getting contacts
So he can be the lead singer

But Alvin immediately shuts him down

And tells him that he has a purpose

Within the group

And the family

And that while Alvin isn’t considered smart

He’s made peace with that

And Simon should make peace

With not being all that dynamic

Nobody thinks about me

Or how I feel about my purpose

Which seems to be eating a lot

Crying

And wearing the color green

Alvin and Simon squabble

But as soon as I try to chime in

They walk away from each other

And I’m left yelling into thin air

Until Dave comes by

And gives me a pep talk

The problem is

At a certain age

There isn’t a pep talk

That’ll make you feel

Like more of a man

And less

Of a rodent

Dave’s had to find hundreds of ways

Over the years

Of saying exactly

The same thing

There’s nothing wrong with you, Theodore

You’re perfect just the way you are

But does anybody want to be Theodore

For Halloween?

No

Alvin reminds me

That nobody wants to be any of us

For Halloween

And that until we get a reboot off the ground

None of us are cool

As if I’m supposed to take solace in that

At least he knew what it was like

At least he had a taste of it

At least Simon appeals to those

Who have a thing

For dorks and middle children

But me?

I was always just Theodore

That’s why I won’t sign onto the reboot

Until I get some assurances

I want to take myself

In a new direction

I want to restructure my narrative

I want to be in the spotlight

For a change

Alvin balks and Simon is appalled

Even Dave seems somewhat

Disappointed in me

None of that bothers me

When you’ve been overlooked your whole life

Anger feels like attention

And any attention

Is more than welcome

The contact and a pen

Are put in front of me

And my two brothers

Stare at me

With what can only be described

As animosity

Still I won’t sign

What’s the purpose of a reboot, I ask,

If everything’s just going to be

The way it was?

They think it’s about nostalgia

That so many people liked it

The way it was

That we should update as little as possible

While still creating a modern aura

Around our vintage personas

In that vein, they suggest

That Theodore could try online dating

Or get a job in a cubicle

Or marry a woman

Who doesn’t love him

You’re a schlub, says Simon,

It’s your thing

I would expect that level of insensitivity

From Alvin

But Simon surprises me

With his callousness

Well, I say, This schlub ain’t signin’

And that means we stay trapped

In unmotivated animation

Which is just fine with me

I don’t like it

But I know where the lines are drawn

And which color goes where

I know how to be

The let-down I am

Within this Saturday morning monstrosity

That passes as an existence

I know what kind of chipmunk I am

And until I can be something better

I see no reason

To change the channel