Eric Holder's Voice

Eric Holder talked me down

I was pissed at my boss

For claiming I only had

Five vacation days left

When I could have sworn

It was fourteen

So I walked over to Eric’s desk

And he explained to me

That my boss was just part of a system

Designed to maximize output

Then he reminded me

That technically

He’s just renting a space

In our office

So he can write a book

And I can’t keep coming to him

For advice on interoffice politics

He’s right

He’s always right

He’s Eric Holder

When he first showed up

We all left him alone

But one day

Someone stole a gourmet donut

From the staff room

And Eric suggested

That it might be Lindsay

And of course

It was Lindsay

She was spoken to

Eric was thanked

And from that point on

His thoughts were solicited

On a fairly regular basis

Everything from raises--

(“Ask for what you feel you’re worth”)

--To divorce

(“I got a guy.  You got time to meet with him next Tuesday?”)

The former Attorney General

Of the United States

Became a beacon

In the otherwise drab

Florescent lighting

Eric’s cubicle was a safe harbor

For those of us

Trying to avoid our annual review

Or a committee meeting

Or a run-in with Paolo

Who wanted to tell everyone

About his life-changing trip

To El Salvador

While he worked

On his top secret book

We’d sit across from him

Basking in the glow

Of his wisdom

“You know,” he’d say,

“I’m concerned

That you’re turning me into

Some mystic character

Which would be, uh, 

Problematic”

We understood that

And we were worried about it

As well

But it was more

About his voice

Than anything else

Talking to him

Was like having a self-help audiobook

Customized and narrated

Directly to you

By the most stable voice

You’d ever heard

In your life

Many of us grew up

With loud fathers

And mumbling mothers

And that lack of vocal authority

Had impacted us negatively

Far more than we had ever imagined

Eric fixed all that

With his soft but strong

Command

Of direction and instruction

When we asked him

If he would take over the office

He kindly implied the obvious--

That after being the country’s

Top legal official

Running the fourth division

Of a for-profit gossip website

Could only be seen as--

If not a step down--

Simply inappropriate

We decided to bide our time

Until he finished his book

And then we would ask

To go with him

Wherever he went next

There was nothing left for us

In the office

You can only write about

Who’s dating who

And who caught an STI
From someone in Mykonos

So many times

Our future was with Eric Holder

And his voice

We were sure that if

We could convince him of that

He’d tell us

What to do

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