Nothing Really Matters (Ray of Light, Track 6)

I don’t want

To go on tour again

The last one was small

And we said--

We’re doing something new

It’s intimate

I knew what the problem was

We weren’t going to sell out arenas

With the new album

The one before that was more pop

We even got a single off it

I remember how excited everyone was

When I said I would be willing

To record that song what’s-her-name gave me

Because they knew it would chart

And once that happened

I was doing arenas again

I have enough hits like--

Like the Stones

The Stones can always play arenas

If you have enough hits

You play arenas no matter

How often you go out

Well, that’s not always true, but--

Sometimes all I have to say is--

I’ll sing…

And I throw out a song

I haven’t sung in years

And everyone gets excited

And they’re booking the Garden

They’re booking Dodgers Stadium

It’s my ninth comeback

But the last tour was--

It was kind of fun

I had fun

Hadn’t played venues

That small since my first tour

And even then

We were turning them away

At the door

Lines down the street

It’s not like that anymore

But once you decide

You don’t want to tour

That’s it

There are artists

Who don’t tour

But you can’t be

A rockstar if you don’t tour

Some people would probably say

I was never a rockstar

But I could make myself believe it

When I would walk out

And thousands and thousands of people

Would be cheering

Someone asked me once

If I was afraid

Stepping out there

All those people

I was never afraid

Because you…

A part of you

Believes that you deserve it

Once you reach that, uh

That pinnacle 

You really feel like

That’s where you’re meant to be

That there’s no way

You would ever have wound up

Anywhere else

And a part of you thinks

That you’ll never come down

If people love you that much

It’s--It’s like a relationship

When it’s good

You don’t ever believe

It won’t be good forever

And you’re never afraid

I wasn’t, anyway

But I don’t want to go

Back on tour

It’s diminishing returns

The first time around is the best time

And it never really--

Gets back to that again

But I love music

And I love making music

And I love knowing

Someone’s listening

That’s the part

Most people forget about

That you’re making it

For someone

That’s the part that

Really matters

A 3rd Grader Talks About Learning How to Fight From Online Videos

This one guy

In this one video, he--

He goes like this

With his fist

And the guy goes ‘Arrgghh!’

And he falls down

And he’s probably dead

So if you hit him that hard

Then he dies

But I bet your, I bet your hand

Probably hurts bad

After you hit him, because, you know

Sometimes, like, if you hit somebody

Like, or if you hit something

Not like a blanket, but like, something hard

Then your hand hurts?

Like, a head is hard

And so if you hit it

You hurt the person

But I bet your hand hurts too?

So, like, I would use a sword

If I had to fight someone

Because then you don’t

Get your hand hurt

And there’s a video

Of this guy using a sword

And he’s fighting this guy

Made out of watermelons

And he goes ‘Thwap thwap thwap’

And the watermelons all go ‘Blap Blap Blap

And they all fall apart

I asked my mom for a sword

And she got me a sword

But I can’t use it in the house

But when my mom’s not home

I get the watermelon

Out of the fridge

And I go ‘Thwap thwap thwap’

But I have to go easy

Because if I cut it right in half

My mom will be mad

Because she likes to save the watermelon

Until we have my cousins over

But I have nothing to practice my sword on

And my mom says I need to learn

To make pretend with the sword

But in the videos

They have watermelons

And in one video

They have a coconut

But my mom won’t buy me a coconut

Even though I got a good grade

On the test my teacher gave me

And she says I’m good in class

But she thinks I talk too much

About fighting

Even though I don’t fight

I tried telling, um, my teacher

That I have to learn how to fight

Because if a ninja comes into the classroom

And tries to ninja us

Then somebody needs to know

How to protect the class

Because I don’t want the ninja

To steal the turtle we have

That I get to feed on Thursday’s

I can’t bring my sword to school

But that’s okay

Because there’s a video

Where it teaches you

How to fight a ninja

And what you do is

You pretend you don’t know

How to fight the ninja

But then you do know

And they’re surprised

So then you can go ‘Twah Twah Twah’

And then they fall down

And the police come get them

And they thank you

For learning how to fight

Even though your teacher

Didn’t think you needed to

Then I’ll get a medal

And my mom will say ‘Sorry’

For not letting me

Cut up the watermelon in the fridge

Because my cousins don’t deserve it anyway

Because when they come over

They knock down all my collectibles

And nobody is supposed to touch them

Because my grandpa gave them to me

And they’re going to be worth money one day

As long as I don’t play with them

There’s one video

Where you can fight someone on a boat

But I don’t have a boat

So when I’m in the bath

I pretend there’s a boat in there

And I go ‘Fwat fwat fwat’

And then one time I fell

And I was okay

But my mom came in scared

Because she thought I was going to drown
And she told me no more fighting

But I know she didn’t mean it

Because if the ninja comes to my house

And tries to steal my collectibles

She needs me to know how to fight

And one time my mom told me

That she can fight for her and me

And my mom has long fingernails

So maybe she can fight

But I can be her sidekick

And we can take down ninjas together

But I get all the scariest ninjas
Because I do all the training

But my Mom can takes the ninjas

That look like watermelons

And then once all the ninjas are gone
I can take the turtle home from school

And he can be just my turtle

Because I’m the only one

Who knows how to protect him

Do you want to see this video

Where two giraffes are fighting?

A ninja could never beat

A giraffe in a fight

No way could they beat a giraffe

Nope

Nope, nope, nope

A Series of French Bulldogs

There is a French bulldog

Who has very wrinkly skin

And is sitting on his hind legs

In front of what looks to be a castle

And he’s very grey, so grey that--

Oh dear, it appears

He’s a statue

He’s a statue of a French bulldog

And not a real French bulldog

My apologies

This French bulldog looks sad

But it’s possible he’s not sad

A lot of French bulldogs look sad

When they’re not sad

So it might be that this bulldog

Just appears sad and maybe if we look closer

We can see that it’s really smiling

And, Oh look!

It looks very fluffy and--

Oh dear

This French bulldog is a stuffed animal

It’s a sad stuffed animal

My apologies

Well, the next French bulldog

Is absolutely real

And looks very cheerful

It has a banana in its mouth

And it seems to be enjoying

The banana a great deal

I had no idea that French bulldogs

Enjoyed bananas, but it seems they do

And so we’ve learned a lot about--

Oh dear

This is not a French bulldog

It is a monkey

In a French bulldog costume

And it has deceived me

Oh I am very embarrassed

As this is not the first time

A monkey dressed as a French bulldog

Has fooled me

And I must do better

At recognizing the difference

Between a simian and a pooch

My apologies

This photo is definitely a dog though

And it’s definitely a bulldog

And he or she is very cute

And wearing a little bonnet

And I do love a dog in a bonnet

Because they look so old-timey

In a way that I quite--

Wait, wait

I’m sorry

I am so sorry

This is a bulldog

But not a French bulldog

It is a regular bulldog

And I had promised you

Nothing but French bulldogs

And now I am the one

Who has deceived you

Much like a monkey

In a French bulldog costume

I cannot apologize enough

For how poorly

This has all gone

And I would cancel the tour entirely

If your tickets were refundable

But they are not

So we must press on

Let’s see, uh, I’m sure

There must be an actual French bulldog

In here somewhere

Poodle

Poodle

Dolphin

Piece of cake

Oh!  This looks like a--

No, that’s another monkey

And this one’s costume

Is not nearly as convincing

As the last one

I guess there is no series

Of French bulldogs

And we’ll have to just imagine

The French bulldogs instead

In some ways

I suppose that’s better

Because then they can be

Whatever sort of French bulldogs we like

Sometimes imagining things

Is the best way of enjoying them

Because the real things

Are statues and stuffed animals

And mean monkeys

Who like to play pranks on you

Let’s close our eyes

And see all those French bulldogs

Oh, aren’t they lovely?

They’re just lovely

I’m telling you

I could sit here

And look at them

All day

Car Crashes Are Inevitable

It’s just upsetting to me

That you’re so upset

Because I know

What I need you to know

And what I need you to know

Is that, um--

Car accidents

Are inevitable

Now that we have cars

And we have so many cars

And the 1900’s are shaping up

To be a very busy century

Which means people are going to be

Running all over the--

Well, driving

They’re going to be driving

All over the place

And I think if we start making up

All these laws

About how they can drive

And where and where they need to stop

And how fast they can go

They’re not going to want to drive at all

And that’s going to be bad for, you know,

It’s going to be bad for progress

Nothing will progress, you see

And we don’t want that

We want things moving forward

We want people going places

We want people to enjoy having cars

And enjoy going places in them
And now here comes Big Bad Mr. Government

Telling them they need a license

And they need to get the car registered

And they need to have insurance

And pretty soon everybody’s going--

You know what?

Never mind

I’ll just walk everywhere

We don’t want that

Nobody wants that

What we need to do

Is let nature take its course

God gave man the idea

For automobiles

And now humans will use

His divine guidance

To help us avoid killing each other

That being said, accidents will happen

Accidents happen with or without cars

Tractor accidents happen, don’t they?

And we don’t try regulating the tractors

If we did that, nobody would farm!

And we’d all starve to death

And the pigs would run wild

And take over the earth

So we let tractors be tractors

And we let cars be cars

Maybe somebody goes a little too fast

Now and then--so what?

Is that the end of the world?

I think not!

You want to know what I think

I’ll tell you what I think

I think we’ve got too much

‘Don’t do this or that’

Baked into being a person today

And I think we need to cut that part out

The way you cut out the part of a cake

That didn’t cook all the way through

Because your oven isn’t working

Did I tell you my oven stopped working?

I haven’t had a decent cake in weeks

And you know whose fault it is

That my oven isn't working?

It’s the fault of the guy

Who made the oven

It’s not my fault

Just because I own the oven

And if I killed somebody

With the oven

I would argue that it’s still the fault

Of the guy who made the oven

Because he’s the one who decided

To make something

That could kill people

But that’s not what an oven is meant to do

Just like a car isn’t meant

To go very fast

Even though it can

It has brakes, doesn’t it?

That means people can stop

Their cars if they want to

And if they don’t want to

What can we do about it?

Not much, right?

But sure, put up stop signs

Erect stoplights

Have police officers give out tickets

If somebody is driving like a maniac

But what’s that going to accomplish?

Just let people be people

That’s what I say

That and don’t buy an oven

From Marco’s Appliances

A crook like that

Selling ovens

There oughta be a law