Car Crashes Are Inevitable

It’s just upsetting to me

That you’re so upset

Because I know

What I need you to know

And what I need you to know

Is that, um--

Car accidents

Are inevitable

Now that we have cars

And we have so many cars

And the 1900’s are shaping up

To be a very busy century

Which means people are going to be

Running all over the--

Well, driving

They’re going to be driving

All over the place

And I think if we start making up

All these laws

About how they can drive

And where and where they need to stop

And how fast they can go

They’re not going to want to drive at all

And that’s going to be bad for, you know,

It’s going to be bad for progress

Nothing will progress, you see

And we don’t want that

We want things moving forward

We want people going places

We want people to enjoy having cars

And enjoy going places in them
And now here comes Big Bad Mr. Government

Telling them they need a license

And they need to get the car registered

And they need to have insurance

And pretty soon everybody’s going--

You know what?

Never mind

I’ll just walk everywhere

We don’t want that

Nobody wants that

What we need to do

Is let nature take its course

God gave man the idea

For automobiles

And now humans will use

His divine guidance

To help us avoid killing each other

That being said, accidents will happen

Accidents happen with or without cars

Tractor accidents happen, don’t they?

And we don’t try regulating the tractors

If we did that, nobody would farm!

And we’d all starve to death

And the pigs would run wild

And take over the earth

So we let tractors be tractors

And we let cars be cars

Maybe somebody goes a little too fast

Now and then--so what?

Is that the end of the world?

I think not!

You want to know what I think

I’ll tell you what I think

I think we’ve got too much

‘Don’t do this or that’

Baked into being a person today

And I think we need to cut that part out

The way you cut out the part of a cake

That didn’t cook all the way through

Because your oven isn’t working

Did I tell you my oven stopped working?

I haven’t had a decent cake in weeks

And you know whose fault it is

That my oven isn't working?

It’s the fault of the guy

Who made the oven

It’s not my fault

Just because I own the oven

And if I killed somebody

With the oven

I would argue that it’s still the fault

Of the guy who made the oven

Because he’s the one who decided

To make something

That could kill people

But that’s not what an oven is meant to do

Just like a car isn’t meant

To go very fast

Even though it can

It has brakes, doesn’t it?

That means people can stop

Their cars if they want to

And if they don’t want to

What can we do about it?

Not much, right?

But sure, put up stop signs

Erect stoplights

Have police officers give out tickets

If somebody is driving like a maniac

But what’s that going to accomplish?

Just let people be people

That’s what I say

That and don’t buy an oven

From Marco’s Appliances

A crook like that

Selling ovens

There oughta be a law