The Contritionist

For the full package

I can promise you

Nearly promise you

A full redemption

Nothing is for sure

You know, you can’t

Absolutely promise anything

But if you look at the reviews

On my website

You’ll see that I nearly always

Get my client back to where they were

Or even ahead

Before their misstep

Now, some people

Like the traditional

NotesApp apology

But that’s not the route

I typically take

I think font is important

I think background is important

I think color scheme is important

Some colors say forgiveness

And some say--

I shouldn’t have

To be doing this

Black and white create a somber tone

Which is nice

But they don’t give you

The kind of human warmth

You’re looking for

If you’d like to give someone your forgiveness

And you’ll notice

That in this office

I talk about forgiveness

As though it is an object

It is a thing we can touch

It is a thing we can see

It is a thing we want to grab

And hold onto

You cannot achieve anything

If your object

Is ethereal

I believe that

With all my heart

I’m going to spend days

Maybe even weeks

Getting the contrition

Right where we want it to be

I’ll go through every word

I will personally measure

The centimeters

Between every word

You don’t want a lot of crowding

When you’re doing an apology

But you don’t want

Too much space either

Or it looks sparse

Looks like there’s nothing there

I’m going to think about

What personal elements

We can incorporate into the apology

Obviously, depending on your comfort level

You might not want a lot of personal details

In the apology

But the more your comfortable sharing

The more likely it is

The apology will take

I will allow for two revisions

In the standard package

And three in the premium

But I never offer

More than three

And it’s highly unlikely

You’ll need to revise anything

I’ve been doing this

A long time

Some people think

All apologies are the same

They’re not

You cannot use the same apology

For hitting somebody with you car

And fleeing the scene of the crime

That you would use

To apologize for cheating on your wife

And having a son with your maid

There are levels

To all of this

And the reason you come

To someone like me

Is because I understand

The levels

I’ve been on every single one of them

And I know what they require

For you, I’d recommend

The premium package

Because this is--

Well, I’m sure you already know

It’s a pretty severe case

Pretty, uh, upsetting

But that doesn’t scare me

Not at all

It just means it’s a good thing

That you came

To a professional