(PAT and NIC are looking over outfits in a studio.)
PAT: No, she won't wear that. It has short sleeves. She likes her sleeves to be as long as possible. If they hit the floor, it's a 'Yes.' Otherwise, keep looking.
NIC: What about the red one we saw?
PAT: Can you wear it with a beret?
NIC: I don't know. I didn't try pairing it with a beret.
PAT: You need to pair everything you select with a beret.
NIC: Couldn't she just...not wear a beret?
PAT: Never say that again.
NIC: Sorry.
PAT: What's that blazer covered in popcorn?
NIC: Oh. That was an accident. I just spilled popcorn on the--
PAT: That'll work. Let's show her that one.
NIC: So should I glue the popcorn on the--
PAT: I'm not interested in how you execute the look. Neither is Diane.
NIC: Have you ever seen her Oscar?
PAT: She sold it to Amy Adams, so no.
NIC: Oh wow. So she's doesn't--
PAT: I need a pair of pants that screams 'I don't believe in an Afterlife.'
NIC: She doesn't?
PAT: No, she does, but Diane likes her wardrobe to decry religion.
NIC: Do you do her costumes for movies as well?
PAT: No, movies have their own costume designers.
NIC: Right. Of course.
PAT: But they don't design for her. She has a pair of twins do it.
NIC: Who are these twins?
PAT: I've never met them. They live underground. But apparently, they're visionaries. I could never dream of being worthy of designing something for Diane to wear on film.
NIC: Being her stylist is still--
PAT: I'm not a stylist. I'm a fashion coordinator.
NIC: Right, sorry.
PAT: I coordinate Ms. Keaton's fashion.
NIC: Yes.
PAT: Do you have anything that looks like furniture?
NIC: I have a bureau dress.
PAT: I like the sound of that.
NIC: I also have a pair of shoes with little cupboards on them.
PAT: No, Diane hates cupboards. She doesn't like things you put other things in. Drawers, cupboards, boxes--
NIC: How does she feel about fried eggs?
PAT: Neutral.
NIC: I have a parka that's covered in what looks like fried egg.
PAT: What is it really?
NIC: Fried egg. That's why it looks that way.
PAT: I love it. She'll take seven.
NIC: What about toadstools?
PAT: Into it.
NIC: Algae?
PAT: Obsessed.
NIC: What does she think of fallen empires?
PAT: Can their essence be expressed using the color beige?
NIC: I suppose so.
PAT: Then yes.
NIC: How did you style--I mean, coordinate--that look she wore at the Golden Globes last year?
PAT: We were walking by a clothesline. Diane grabbed all the items off the line, put them on, and got in her limo.
NIC: Fascinating.
PAT: I don't try to understand genius. I just bear witness to it.
NIC: Have you ever seen her get angry?
PAT: Once she dug a hole in the ground six feet deep, placed a single orchid in the hole, and walked away. She didn't demonstrate her rage, but that doesn't mean it wasn't there, and was buried with that poor flower.
NIC: I just remembered I have a skirt made entirely of orchids, but it's attached to a Hazmat suit.
PAT: Well, well, well.
(PAT smiles.)
PAT: You've been holding out on me.
End of Play
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