You're Not Rich

      (JOHN, JANE, MATT, and MARY are all finishing dinner at a restaurant.)

JOHN:  --And that's what they want. They're--You know what they're doing?

JANE:  John, calm down.

JOHN:  We're calm, we're--We're with our friends, Jane.

JANE:  I know, but you get worked up and--

MATT:  He's right though, Jane.

JOHN:  You see?  They agree with me. This country is not safe for (whispers) rich people anymore.

MARY:  It's so true.

JOHN:  God forbid a guy makes a buck here and there. He's the bad guy.

MATT:  They're demonizing hard work.

MARY:  It's true.

JOHN:  I earned every penny I have. Every penny.

JANE:  John, your blood pressure.

JOHN:  They are taxing the middle class into the lower class.

JANE:  He got that from a talk he went to.

JOHN:  This talk at the Elk's Club. The guy blew my mind. Do you know that Chicago isn't a real city? It's made up. I always had a feeling, but--

MATT:  You should see what I paid in taxes this year.

JOHN:  America hates the rich. Not that I'm rich.

JANE:  Oh God, no. Far from it.

JOHN:  We're just getting by.

JANE:  You know where we went on vacation last month? Tacoma.

JOHN:  I'm no Joe Monopoly.

JANE:  We didn't even stay the whole week.

JOHN:  But even with what we make, it's tough.

MARY:  I know, you could never imagine what we go through.

     (A beat.)

JOHN:  Yeah, but, uh, what do you mean 'we?'

MARY:  'We.' Me and Matt.

JOHN:  You mean 'us,' right?  All four of us.

     (A beat. Then MATT and MARY laugh.)

JANE:  What's so funny?

MARY:  It's just that--Well...uh, you two are--

MATT:  You work very hard.

MARY:  So hard. We're always saying that.

MATT:  I'm always saying that.

MARY:  We always say 'John works so hard.'

JANE:  That's so nice. Isn't that nice, John?

JOHN:  But then why--

MARY:  We're just saying you're not rich.

     (A beat.)

JOHN:  I mean, I don't want to brag, but--

JANE:  We shouldn't talk about money.

JOHN:  No, no, but we--Jane and I--we're very...comfortable.

JANE:  We went to Tacoma last month. Four days. Three nights.

MATT:  We know you two do okay, but--

JOHN:  We do better than 'okay.'

MARY:  We're just saying comparatively--

JOHN:  Compared to who? To you?

MATT:  Well....

JOHN:  I'm sure we do as well as you.

JANE:  John.

JOHN:  I'm just saying--

MARY:  John, it's nothing to get worked up over, you're just...not rich.

     (A beat.)

JOHN:  How dare you.

JANE:  All right--

JOHN:  I am as rich as they come!

MATT:  John, look, there's rich and there's...rich.

JOHN:  What are you talking about? Rich is rich.

MARY:  No, John.

JANE:  I started buying the yogurt with the granola on top.

JOHN:  Rich is rich.

MATT:  John, what I make--

JOHN:  How much could you--

MARY:  It's more than you, John.

JOHN:  How do you know that?

MATT:  How many houses do you have?

JOHN:  What kind of question is that?

JANE:  Do you mean like a regular house and then a doghouse? Because we like keeping Skippy in the house with us. He has bad anxiety. All chihuahuas are like that.

MARY:  We've got our house, the beach house, the chalet--

JOHN:  You have a chalet?

MATT:  That's what we're telling you, John. We're rich.

MARY:  And we're very grateful.

MATT:  So grateful.

MARY:  And you're comfortable.

MATT:  You look very comfortable.

MARY:  And both are just fine.

     (A beat.)

JOHN:  YOU HAVE A CHALET?

JANE:  John, why are you so angry? We did the chalet too when we pulled up.

JOHN:  That's a valet, Jane. A valet. They're talking about a place where they stay just for when they go skiing.

MARY:  We don't even ski. We just like hot chocolate.

JOHN:  To hell with you and your chalet.

MATT:  John--

JOHN:  AND HOW COULD YOU NOT INVITE ME?

MARY:  You don't like to ski. And you don't like hot chocolate. And we weren't sure if you'd like using a private sauna.

JOHN:  YOU HAVE A PRIVATE SAUNA?

JANE:  Do you rent it out when you're not using it or--?

MATT:  John, none of this matters. We're friends. We've known each other for years. We share the same values.

JOHN:  You know what I value?  Hard work.

MATT:  I've worked hard.

MARY:  Matt works very hard.

JOHN:  Your father gave me you the company!

MATT:  Your father gave you YOUR company.

JOHN:  And it was a mess! Do you know what I had to do to get that company in shape? My father was a crook!

MARY:  John, we're sorry your father was a crook--

JOHN:  How dare you call my father a crook!

JANE:  Talking about somebody's father like that. I'm surprised at you, Mary.

MARY:  Look, I'm just going to say it--

MATT:  Mary--

MARY:  If you want to know the problem with this country--

MATT:  Oh boy.

MARY:  It's that we've got all these people walking around thinking they're rich, when they're not rich.

JOHN:  You're telling me I'm not rich?

MARY:  You're not rich!  You've got one house, two cars, your pool is aboveground, you only go out to eat twice a week, and you vacation in Tacoma.

JANE:  WHAT'S WRONG WITH TACOMA?

JOHN:  Jane, we're leaving.

MATT:  I'll get the check.

JOHN:  Oh no, you don't. I'm getting the check.

JANE:  John, let Matt get the check.

JOHN:  No.

MATT:  You got the check last time.

JOHN:  I'm getting it.

MARY:  You're just trying to prove a point.

JOHN:  You think I'm letting you rich bastards pay for my meal?!?

MARY:  How ungrateful you are.

MATT:  So ungrateful.

JOHN:  I hope they tax you people into kingdom come! Eat the rich!

JANE:  John, how much should we tip?

JOHN:  Three percent. CLOSE THE WAGE GAP!

MARY:  See, this is why we ever invite you to the chalet.

End of Play