Aaron's Bachelor Party

George thinks the girl in the gold
Looks like Christina Marks

He asks me if I saw the photo of her
Kissing that girl she kidnapped

'Hot, right?' he says, arching his eyebrows

When he does that
When he arches his eyebrows
He reminds me of my ex-girlfriend Melanie

The girl I dated before Teri

'Hot, right?'

'Yeah,' I say, 'Real hot.'

Two girls kissing, hot

I wonder what he'd say to seeing
Two boys kiss

Probably not so hot

'Not hot, right?' he'd question me, eyebrows planted firmly in place

'No, George,' I'd say, 'Not hot at all.'

The girl with the blueberry pasties
Gives Viktor a blowjob
In a room in the back

'I didn't think they did that,' George says
And I say, 'They do if you're Viktor.'

'Huh,' he says

'If you're--'

I stop myself before I say 'hot as fuck'

They blow you if you're hot as fuck
Why wouldn't they?

And Viktor is hot as fuck

That is the technical term for him

Hot--as--fuck

'They do if you pay them,' I say instead

George's eyebrows go down

'Fuckin' whores,' he says

He's mad because he knows he didn't bring enough money
To get anybody to blow him

Even if I wouldn't blow him
And normally when I'm drunk
I'll blow up a popped balloon
Just to get my mouth on something

Oh, I'm sorry

Am I grossing you out?

Sorry

I'm getting married

That's a pleasant topic of conversation, isn't it?

Would you say getting married
Makes you a straight person?

On paper it does, absolutely
But what about beyond that?

What about reality?

I have had sex with men
And yet, I am a straight man

You say this can't be true
I say that the girl with the blueberry pasties
AND the girl in the gold
Would both say I'm straight
AND give me a blowjob
AND I wouldn't have to pay for it

Do you believe me?

Yup

You do

Nobody's ever called me gay
Not even in a joking way

To be honest
I kind of wish somebody would

I have this fantasy of my wedding
Where when they ask if anyone objects
My entire side of the church stands up
And shouts--

'He's GAY!'

But that won't happen

At best, maybe I'll have some ex-fling in the back
Hoping against hope I'll come to terms with my identity
Before making the plunge with Teri

But I've already come to terms with it

I'm straight

I'm straight because you are
What people want you to be
And people want me to be straight

Don't call me cynical
It's the truth

Then again, nothing's more cynical
Than the truth

Just ask my buddy, Martin

He's throwing up in the bathroom
Because some stripper whispered to him
That she'd like to have him cum in her ear

She underestimated what a sexually forthright woman
Can do to a sheltered Catholic boy
Even one married to an artist

Martin's wife is incredibly sexy
If I were straight-straight
I probably would have tried to steal her from him
And then I wouldn't have Martin anymore
And that would be sad
Because I really like Martin

So maybe there's a reason I'm not straight-straight
Just straight

You'd probably ask if I'm upset
That I can't be with someone I truly love

To which, I would ask you
How many of you are with people
You truly love?

Most married people spend their whole lives yearning to have sex with other people anyway, don't they?

It just so happens that the people I'm yearning for
Will be a different gender than my wife

You say you only ever want your wife or your husband
Never anyone else?

You're lying or you're boring

I'll let you pick

If I were to go through all my friends
And play fuck, chuck or marry

I'd probably fuck Viktor
Chuck George
And marry Martin

Or maybe I'd chuck my friend Chuck
Just for the humor

I am really, really, really drunk

. . . . .

At the end of my dream
The dream where everyone I know
Ruins my wedding

I run out of the church
And onto this city street
Where its raining

And the rain's coming down so hard
I close my eyes
And when I open them
I'm dry

I'm on dry land

And...

There's this guy
This perfect guy
Just standing there

And he looks at me
And says 'you're here'
And I say 'I'm here'
And he says 'Yeah'
And I say 'Yeah'
And...

And I know

I know what it is
What...

I am

I am, you know?

I'm just...

. . . . .

But when I wake up
I can't remember his face

I try, but...I can't

And then I go back

I go back to being
Double straight

...with a twist

. . . . .

Look at the girl with the gold

Do you see what she's doing?

She's putting on a show

That's not her up there

And every man in here
Can say that she really likes them
And that she told them her real name
And that she kissed them on the mouth

But...

It's a show

All anybody gets
Is the show

And that's how she stays up there
Nice and safe

And everybody else
Stays exactly
Where they are