I've Never Seen a Naked Man

I've never seen a naked man
But I've thought about it
And I think I know
What one would look like

You see, when the plane crashed on the island
I was only five years old
And I was the only survivor

The captain landed somewhere between the middle of the ocean
And the tiger den in the middle of the island

For his sake, I hope it was the ocean

We crashed when the tigers were in heat
And I'd imagine the tigers might have had some fun with him
Before they ate his head

Everybody else burned up on impact
But I was thrown from the plane
And I fell on a pile of monkeys
Who proceeded to raise me
And teach me sign language

They'd been taught sign language
By a group of explorers looking for an ancient ruby
That was said to cure Spasmodic Torticollis

Once the monkeys knew how to sign the words 'Get the hell off our island'
They sent the explorers packing

Luckily for me, all the books on the plane
Were kept in a fire-proof metal box
So I was able to learn to read
And that's why I can speak so eloquently

Unfortunately, there were no books on anatomy
And no picture books
So I have absolutely no idea
What a naked man looks like

But as I said, I have my opinions

For one thing, I think underneath a man's shirt
You would find something similar to what you would find
If you looked underneath my shirt

Although probably much larger

I imagine that men probably have even larger lumps
Than women do, because men would have an easier time
Carrying them around

Sometimes I fantasize about the island
Being full of men
Walking around
With their lumps hanging
All the way down to the ground

I imagine sleeping underneath them
Liking the hanging fronds
Of the palm trees
When the rains come

Underneath a man's pants, I would imagine
It's nothing like what's underneath my coconut skirt

I imagine it looks something like the propeller
On the airplane that brought me here

I imagine that you can spin it around and around
And use it to keep yourself cool
When the warmer months come

And on a man's backside
I'd imagine that it's soft and doughy
And covered with dark, green and gray here
So as to be invisible
When they're hunting boar
In the jungle

Perhaps one day a ship full of men will land here
Their genital propellers spinning gleefully
Causing a light wind to fly throughout the island
And as it hits me
I'll know that they've come

And I'll smile
And receive them

And because the monkeys have taught me to be polite
When they remove their garments
I'll pretend to be surprised