Driving Lessons

Take a right up at the light.

You can make a right on red
But I wouldn't recommend it

It's risky

Just like unprotected sex

Better to just wait for the green light

You know what else it's good to wait for?

Marriage

Use your turn signal

You always want to use your turn signal

Just like you always want to use a condom
Two condoms would be even better
You can never be too careful

Nathan, I know I said I'd let your dad
I'm just tossing in some random wisdom

Your dad gets to have 'the talk' with you
And I get to give you driving lessons
I'm aware that was the deal
But there's no reason I can't simply solidify
Certain things he's already covered

...I'm assuming he has covered the double-wrap option, correct?

WATCH THE ROAD!

Oh goodness, Nathan
You have got to stay focused

Otherwise you could wind up lost
Going down an unknown street

You should always know what street you're on

Because some streets are dirty
Dirty, dirty streets
That only careless people go down
And then they get a flat tire
Or chlamydia

Did you know that when you get chlamydia
Your testicles balloon up
Like pomegranates?

Just the facts, Nathan
These are simply facts

Make sure you keep a safe distance
Between that car in front of you
And your vehicle

You want to be able to see
The back tires on the other car

...Safe distances are really the best way to make sure
You don't tap anybody from behind

I've gotten tapped from behind a few times
And let me tell you something
It is a real pain

. . . . .

What do you mean WHERE is it a pain, Nathan?

Are you being smart?

Because you can be as smart as you want
And still wind up passed out in a back alley
Behind a jazz club
Wondering why you're wearing army fatigues
And what happened to your kidney

Just an example, Nathan

All right, all right!
I'll stick to driving

. . . . .

Now you know you shouldn't drive
With anybody else in the car
Until you're ready to

Until you're prepared
And have thought about
What it means to have a passenger
You should really just go at it solo

Once you're ready
Once you're...mature
Then you can ask someone
Someone that is also mature
And responsible
To...

Go on a ride with you

At no time should you ever
Go for a ride
With more than one person
Only sick people do that

That's why I never owned a mini-van

I did not raise you
To go around with a bus full of people
All having a good time
Like it's the sixties all over again

One passenger, that's it

. . . . .

You will be careful, won't you?

I just...I worry

Just...use your judgment

And don't turn the wheel too hard

And really considering your decisions

And the turn signal

Don't forget the turn signal

And you should be...okay

You should be just fine

. . . . .

Oh, and don't forget to change the oil
Every three thousand miles

Your father always forgets

That's why his car doesn't run
As well as it should