Tony Hooper Explains Where Babies Come From

"Where Babies Come From"
By Tony Hooper

Okay, here's the deal

When two people decide they want to have a baby
They don't ask their son if he'd like a little brother
Because they know he'll say 'No'
And threaten to move out of the house
And into Toys 'R Us

So instead they just go ahead
And start to make one
And by the time their son finds out
It's too late to do anything about it

Sometimes they don't know they're going to have a baby
And if that happens
You call the baby one of two things

If the baby comes out cute
Then it's a 'surprise'

If the baby comes out ugly
He's 'an accident'

Now two people should love each other when they have a baby
Because if they don't
Then the baby comes out looking like my little brother
With an extra-large head and a tiny body

My brother kind of looks like Charlie Brown
And that's why when he was trying to learn to walk
He kept tipping over like an upside down turtle

So make sure you love the person
You're making a baby with
Or your kid will fail at flying kites
And will never be good at baseball

It says so in the Bible

Now, when the baby is ready to arrive
Mommy gets drugs
Which kids can't have
Because then they wind up in gutters
Which is also where rain goes
Which means rain is on drugs
Which is why nobody likes rain
And why there's so much of it in Seattle

After Mom gets the drugs from her pusher, Dr. Donovan
The stork comes with the baby

The stork is a bird with a big beak
And the baby lives inside it
Unless your Mom gets a C-section

My Mom says the 'C' stands for--

'Cut the damn thing out of me already!'

While Moms wait for the stork
They say a lot of bad words
And take their drugs
And tell Dad that he did this to them

I'm not sure what he did
Except for call the stork

I told Mom she should just disconnect Dad's phone

And she says she was going to cut his cord
But now she's just going to change her number

Finally, the stork comes with the baby
And everybody forgets
How nobody really wanted him
And how the cost of college tuition is slowly rising
And how with second children
There's a one out of three chance
They'll grow up to be either stupid or a serial killer

We all just look at him
And his big head
And how much he loves us

And then we're kinda sorta maybe a little bit happy

Plus he pees on Dad

And that's the miracle of life