How Much Sex Weighs

I look at him
And I weigh my options

Today is not a good day
Today is a heavy day
Today I am heavy

Yesterday I was not
Yesterday, despite the scale's protestations
I was seventy-four pounds lighter
And I--was--hot

My boobs looked fantastic
My waist was slim
My laugh was light and airy
Like a Disney princess

I could have had any man I wanted
Yesterday

Which is why yesterday
I couldn't find anyone to go out with me
But, to be fair, it was a Monday
But still, I was light and airy
And I stayed at home
And then tonight
My phone wouldn't stop ringing
With invitations
And so I went out

But today is a heavy day

Today I am heavy

I will not be having sex today

Today I do not feel girly
I feel aggressive

Every word I say
Comes out sounding
Like a cheap pick-up
Probably because it is

Probably because though I do not want to be seen
In any state of undress at the moment
I also want to be told
That I'm being stupid

That I look wonderful
That I'm sexy
That someone wants to fuck me

Pardon the frank language
But let's face it
If I were a size two
And blonde

Me cursing would be a total turn-on

Something about an overweight girl cursing, however
Just makes me come across like a bar wench
Or a saloon owner
Or Mama Cass

Doesn't it?

I'm not allowed to be sexy today

After all, sex has a weight
And you must be under that weight
And that weight is far under
What I weigh today

Yesterday I would have just made it
Right under the wire

I could have had sex
And not spent the entire time thinking
Is he looking at this part of me?
Or that part of me?

Is he disgusted?
Is he disinterested?
Is he going to leave as soon as this is over
And never speak to me again?

People tell me I'm a pretty girl

'You're a pretty girl,' they say

But you know what I've noticed?

When you're a pretty girl
People don't bother telling you
They show you

They sit across a room from you
And stare at you
The entire night

They don't need to say you're pretty

And you don't need to hear it

And you don't need to go home with whomever will have you

You don't have to compromise yourself
Or change your rules
Or fuck some married guy
Whose cleverly hiding his ring

Oops, I cursed again
Let me drop a nickel in a jar
If I can find one

When you're skinny
You are a well-oiled machine

Everything you do
Just
Works

Sometimes I wonder
What skinny sex is like

I imagine it's wonderful
Sex with two skinny people
Two beautiful individuals
Bending themselves
Into all sorts of positions

The two of them weighing so little
That even combined together
They seem to make their collective weight shrink
And soon they're floating in mid-air
As they're fucing
And laughing
At how easy life is

And then I think of my sex
And how heavy it is
How with a man my size it's embarrassing
And with a man less than my size
It's terrifying

Lately I've been told I'm losing weight
And the other night
I went home with someone
Who was smaller than me
In that, he was small
A small man, but...

Not much smaller than me

But the other night
Like tonight
Was a heavy night

And it didn't matter
That I wasn't what I used to be
Because I'm still not light and airy either
At least, not that night I wasn't

And he was making love to me
And I was imagining another me in the room

A commentator
Warning me
Making me aware
Of all the things
He clearly wasn't noticing

Telling me to get up and turn off the light
To keep his hands on my breasts
Because those are the two parts of any woman
Where a man prefers bigger over smaller

My commentator was looking at my sex
And saying--

'No, this isn't right. You're still too heavy to be having sex.'

. . . . .

I'm looking at your faces
And I can tell it's uncomfortable

It's uncomfortable, isn't it?
Hearing me talk about all this

You're picturing me getting fucked
And you're not enjoying it all that much, are you?

Isn't it funny that every day
Millions of people watch porn
And get turned on

They get all hot and bothered
People degrade themselves
For money

But the thought of some fat girl having sex
Is simply disgusting

Well, I think that's pretty shameful

And believe me
I know an awful lot
About shame

And it's the hardest thing
To lose