Couple Things

I know what's going on here

I'm being phased out
Because I
Can longer do
Couple things

Because it's awkward for you
You, coupled people
To hang out with me
Despite the fact
That some of you have been friends with me
For over a decade

And now when I see you
You look terrified

It's as if divorce is something
You think you can catch from me
Like the flu

Oh, and I'm sorry I can't take part in four hour discussions
About what color a future babies' room might be
Jesus Christ, do you remember when you all had MINDS?

Don't get me wrong
I know you're in a bubble
I was in the bubble too
But now I'm out of the bubble
And I have to tell you
The air can be much nicer out here

Is it a bit lonelier? 

Yes

But not because I lost my husband

It's because I lost my friends

It's bad enough that I feel like I failed
I don't need all of you looking at me like I failed
Treating me like I did something wrong
Because you're what?

Scared that I'll talk about how great it is to be single again?

To go on vacations whenever I feel like it
To spend every holiday with my family instead of splitting it between them and my in-laws, the Manson Family?
To be having sex again with men who actually know what they're doing?

Are you afraid that'll just all sound too appealing to you
And you'll start to think about jumping ship as well?

Because let's face it

Most of you are with who you're with
Not because you fell in love
But because you panicked

Well, if I were you
I'd keep panicking

Because the odds are most of you
Are going to be where I am
Long before death makes you part

And don't think that when that happens
You're going to come crawling back to me
So I can show you how to adjust

Because by then I'll have new single friends
Who are excited to do single things
Not couple things

Not group trips to Bermuda
Or a day on someone's boat
Or a weekend at someone's cabin

Can I ask you all something?

Why is it that in every group of yuppie, coupled friends
There is somebody with a boat
And somebody with a cabin
And everybody acts all excited that they get to go on the boat
Or to the cabin

'Oh yes, this weekend, we're all going to John's cabin in Vermont on this amazing lake where there's water and the occasional bird and maybe one of us will see a deer and we'll talk about it incessantly for forty-eight straight hours because that's ALL THAT HAPPENS THERE!'

Why do we look forward to that
When all we do when we get there
Is drink until we don't know where we are anyway?

Why don't we just sit in our living rooms and do that?
That's what I do now

Do you actually think getting drunk on a yacht with your spouse
And getting drunk in your kitchen with your cat
Is all that different?

Because it's not

You just tell yourself it is
So you have a reason
To stop looking at the door

I'm sorry I can't do those couple things anymore
But you know what I can do?

I can start thinking about all the stuff
I liked doing
Before I had to couple things

Before I had to pretend that I liked skiing
Or Scrabble on a Saturday night
Or acting like mature, older married people
When I don't feel all that old!

I feel like myself again
Like a person
Not part of a couple
Or a group
Or anything other than me

And if this sounds a little 'I Will Survive'
That's because I've been listening to it
Constantly
For the past three weeks

I love you all
I really do
And I don't mean to shit all over your lives
And I won't do it again
Provided you just stop shitting on mine
And stop being my friends again

My friends who had interests, and hobbies
And passions, and intelligence
And could care less
About which pre-school is most likely
To get their into Harvard

Just come back to me, guys
Please?

Just knock off the couple things
Every once in awhile
So you can hang out with me
So we can remind ourselves
That before we became the people
We are today
We were cool

We were really, really cool

I miss those people
Don't you miss them?

I mean...

Don't you?

Well...

I guess it's just...

Well