A Johnston Fender Bender

Hey there, this is Officer Patterson
From the JPDTDFBU

The, uh, Johnston Police Department
Traffic Divison
Fender Bender Unit

Yes, crimes involving fender benders are considered
Especially heinous

Look, I got a really nasty one here
The bumper's got at least three dings on it
And the passenger in one of the two cars
Says she feels, quote, 'eh, a little rattled'

This could get real ugly
Real fast

I'm going to need a S.W.A.T. team here
A.S.A.P.

Huh?

Look, if you think you're going to throw your bureaucratic bull at me
And make me wade through red tape
To get what I need to keep my men safe
Then I'll come down to that little paper pushing pussyhouse
You call an office
And show you how we handle things
On the mean streets of Johnston, Rhode Island

My men are--

Well, I mean, my man
My man is--

I only have one man

Joey Turcotti
Maybe you know him?
His brother's a waiter
At Fugili's on the west--

The point is, he feels unsafe

The driver of one of the cars
Is acting erractic
And I think he may be a terrorist

Maybe this is all just a distraction
And they're taking over Johnston Post Office
As we speak

What do you mean what would they want
With the Johnston Post Office?

Do you have any idea
What would happen to the town of Johnston
If its mail was compromised?

There'd be chaos
All those copies of Yankee Magazine
Not getting to their subscribers
And the--

Well, if you're not going to give me a S.W.A.T team
At least get me a helicopter
And an army tank

How about a jeep?
A motorcycle?
A mountain bike?

What about a submarine?

I can cart everybody here
To a nearby pond
And we can just blow the whole thing up

Wait, what were we talking about?

At the Academy
They always said I had trouble keeping focus

The Johnston Police Academy

Well, it's not exactly an Academy
We use the back room
Of the Atwood Grille
And occasionally, the all night McDonald's

The point is, I could really use some back-up here

It looks like the other driver may have a cut on her hand
And my partner Joey faints at the sight of blood

Is there any way you could send in a few ambulances
And maybe a fire truck?

I don't see any fires yet
But the kids sure do love 'em

Hello?

...Hello?

Looks like the town didn't pay their phone bill again

Damn these budget cuts

JOEY!  Make sure the safety on your gun is off

You never know when things
Are going to get
Crazy