When We Wrestled Oprah for Gold

When we wrestled Oprah for gold
We immediately realized
That we underestimated
How badly she would want
Gold she doesn't need

She fought, not like a woman
And not like an animal
But like a rainstorm
Pummeling us with an energy
Unknown to anything but nature

This all happened in broad daylight
On a busy city sidewalk in Chicago
Where people walk and chat
And have a lovely day

We saw the gold first
And immediately became excited

Think of all we could do!

Pay our bills!
Go on vacations!
Watch tennis!

The gold was sitting there quietly
Waiting to be discovered
Possibly by a leprechaun
But who can say?

We reached down to pick it up
Astounded by our own good fortune
And the fact that nobody else seemed to want it

What nice people these passerby are
We thought to ourselves
That they would let us simply HAVE this gold
Without so much as a word to contest who should have it

We didn't realize that they knew better
Than to grab for gold
In Chicago

We, mere visitors to the windy city
Did not know that all gold
Must be immediately given
To the Almighty She

Oprah

Our fingertips had no sooner grazed the gold
Before shew as on us like a mighty Griffin
Descending from the sky
On wings of wax and baby's hair

She beheaded one of us almost instantly
While with her other claw
She scooped up two bars of gold

Oh, but we would not be defeated that easily

Our parents did not let us watch television
And so we had no idea
Who this wild she-creature was
Or why she felt so entitled to our gold

We managed to jump onto her back
And bring her to the ground
Before she unhinged her jaw
And swallowed two of us whole

The last of us tried desperately to grab for at least one gold bar
No longer hoping to become rich
But simply to have enough money
To build a memorial later
To our fallen friends

But while the gold seemed to heavy and cumbersome
To that last weary survivor
Oprah's feet seemed to be able to reach into it
As if it were butter

She laughed at our friend
Bumbling along
Like a poor blind zebra
Not knowing that a lion is waiting
In the bush

Then she consumed him
And he joined us
Here in her stomach

Where we wait for the day
When we shall either be rescued
Or she shall die a natural death

The latter seeming impossible
Given the things we have seen
Residing amongst her innards

If you read this tale
Please, whatever you do

Spread our story
As far and wide as you can
So that others may know
Of our plight

We hope not simply to be rescued
But to prevent others from befalling the same fate

We wouldn't mind the company
But there is little room down here
And only so many copies of 'The Bluest Eye'
To go around

So if you see gold resting on the sidewalk in Chicago
We beseech you

Keep walking